it's the most wonderful time...of my life!

a little christmas surprise for you today. 

all i want for christmas is for june 17th to come sooner! 

praying for my friend...

a few days ago i heard the news that a friend of mine's 18 month old was in the hospital.

today, the news was shared that their dear little girl would not survive.

at a time when all i want to do is cry

i am reminded (by those who are affected an uncountable amount more than me)

that each day is a blessing.

that i need to have unconditional trust in the Lord.

that prayers are always heard and answered...

not necessarily how we want them to be, but how we need them to be.

my prayers and love are being sent to the amazing mother and father who lost their little girl today.

http://sarahjaggi.blogspot.com/

thursday through my eyes

today has been a long day! 

i have been in pain from a bad ovarian cyst that burst.

my doctor told me to take the rest of the week off to rest so the pain doesn't get too bad. 

i am have been lying down all day.

thinking.

watching tv.

wishing the husband didn't have an unusually busy day so that he could sit at home with me. 

while many people wish for days off, as a teacher, being away is hard.

i have been thinking a lot about the upcoming presidential campaign. 

how people stopped worrying so much about the religious side and focused on the real politics.

but i have been wondering what might happen if mitt romney is elected. 

will there be a surge in hatred against the church?

will there be any positive that comes from it?

i am not sure what will happen, but i am anxious either way.

i have been receiving more anti comments and formspring questions than usual.

i expected this. 

and i am sure it coincides with what is going on around the world.

i wouldn't choose a president based on religion. 

although i am sure that is happening this term.

through my eyes, religion is personal. 

it is up to the individual and what they personally believe.

it shouldn't bother you if someone has different religious beliefs than you 

because it doesn't effect you.

rant. rant. rant.

i blame it on my boredom.

sorry.

my kind of work week!

as a teacher, i really hate missing work.

sub plans are impossible to write. 

and they take forever.

i stress about leaving anything and everything the substitute might possibly need.

and i worry that my little stinkers will be...little stinkers! 

that being said,

i had to take monday off because of a doctors appt.

tuesday went by very quickly because i missed monday.

wednesdays are always a half day and fly by.

and toooomorrow...i am leaving at noon from work to catch a plane to...

DISNEYLAND! 

i could not be more excited! 

i.love.disneyland.

to help you understand how much i love it...

i will tell you a secret...

{{ i cried last time i went to disneyland during the parade. }}

yup. i said it. 

i cried at disneyland.

not because of the long lines, or the heat exhaustion.

i was one of those people who cry because of the joy of being at "the happiest place on earth".

i am cool. really, i swear. 

...don't judge me.

{this is from the first time the husband- who was the boyfrined then- and i went to disneyland together}
{this weekend will be our 3rd time going together!}

off to celebrate love

it's an exciting day today...

one of my oldest brothers {he is a twin} is getting married today! 

i am so excited for him, and even more excited to have yet another...SISTER! 

well, sister-in-law, but since my mom and dad were stinky and i don't have any real sisters...

sister-in-laws are the best! 

weddings are so fun. espcecially when it's someone close to you.

congrats to my big bro and his lovely bride.

you two are perfect for eachother! 

thursday through my eyes

my eyes have been a little hazy the past two weeks.

there have been many moments of hope, sadness, and worry.

in the past two days things have gotten better.

i haven't spoken with a doctor again.

i haven't been told this is all a dream.

but i have prayed.

and then prayed again.

prayed with the husband.

prayed with my family.

and then prayed again.

before joining the LDS church, i think i would have just moped around.

don't get me wrong,  i have done my share of moping...

but i have learned through the teachings of the church that we need to have faith,

and we need to trust in The Lord.

He will hear us speaking to him.

knowing that i can pray, and recieve answers, is comforting.

the power of prayer is strong.

very strong.

i feel that anything is possible through faith and prayer.

i haven't asked to be miraculously cured...

i have asked to feel of The Savior's love for me.

and i have felt it. 

i know that everything is going to be ok.

hurting.

as i have said many times before,

all i have ever wanted in life is to become a mom.

to have my very own family.

to be called "mommy".

to feel the unconditional love i will have for my children,

and that they will have for me.

my biggest fear in life has been that i won't be able to have my own children.

my fears are being realized.

i was diagnosed today with polycystic ovarian syndrome. 

PCOS.

the most awful acronym i've come across in my 25 years of life.

while this doesn't mean i can't have children...
it makes that thought closer to reality as it is one potential side effect of PCOS.

i am depressed.
i am scared.
and mostly i am heartbroken.

still the same

well...there she is.

the good ol'church.

i have to say, it was pretty weird being back inside.

i didn't think there would ever be a reason for me to go back there.

i guess i have jenny to thank for that!

do you have a sensitive nose?

do you ever have memories flood back to your mind...

because of a smell?

maybe my nose is just a super sniffer

maybe i am weird

but smells trigger my memories in an instant! 

my old church smelled exactly how it did.

it hasn't changed at all. 

i swear i was 6 years old again

sitting between one of my 3 brothers 

and my mom and dad

drawing on the "for kids to draw on" paper and pens that are set in each pew.

i wish i could bottle up scents to keep forever. 

that way

if i needed a little pick me up

or reminder of a special time

i could just open the vial...

and sniff! 

:) 

sick, sick, sick

i have been at home.

feeling absolutely crummy! 

i wish i could get over this nasty bug, 

but having to go to work

 and be around little ones with more germy germs all day 

is definitely not helping.

hoping i get better soon.

because this elephant that is sitting on my chest is making it very hard to breathe! 

:( 

old church

Jenny and I at our MIT Graduation

today, a good friend of mine is getting married.

i haven't known her very long.

but she is one of those people that makes you feel like you've known them forever.

i am so excited for her.

wedding days are full of emotion, energy, and being busy busy busy! 

the only advice i have for her is to take in each moment.

forget the stress.

ignore the chaos.

and enjoy her day.

her wedding ceremony is at the church that i grew up in.

i haven't been back since investigating the mormon church.

part of me is anxious to step back inside the walls.

part of me is excited...

to revisit those memories of my past and when my family was a whole.

i will let you all know how it goes. 

thursday through my eyes

a good friend of mine had a baby 10 days ago.

i had the opportunity to visit her today.

it is amazing how calm and peaceful a home is when there is a new baby around.

you can feel the precious spirit that baby brings to the house.

everyone moves slower.

talks more quietly.

and shows more love to one another. 

my friend is taking time off work and coming back in january.

i can see it in her eyes, when she talks about coming back, that she doesn't want to.

she wants to be at home with her 2 children.

it makes me sad that she has the pressure to go back.

through my eyes, there is nothing wrong with a mother staying home with her kids.

the title, "stay at home mom" should be celebrated, not chastised. 

i love the fact that LDS families celebrate stay at home mothers.

while others chastise mom's for staying at home,

saying they are "throwing away their life and degree".

i applaud all you stay at home moms.

and i pray

that one day 

the husband and i will have the means that it will be an option for us too. 

children

there is nothing quite like hearing a child sing.

{or laugh, or speak, or cry}

but this post is about singing.

i love music

i always have.

but being around children who are singing...

it's the best.

yesterday my nephew sang me his own "rendition" of his favorite church song.

{aka he made up some new words that may or may not need to be added to the dicitonary}

 and in this particular case, he had hand motions to go along with it.

it. was. priceless.

{i love this kid!!}

movie making

my husband

 is in the midst of writing a screenplay, filming, and making a movie.

this summer he filmed an extended trailer which blew me away.

i know he is talented.

but i don't know 

how he surprises me so much each time he makes a new film.

today, was an awful day.

i have been on the verge of crying since 8:00am.

it made my day worse knowing that i was coming home to an empty apartment.

the husband has work to do in bellingham tonight.

the only thing that has stopped me from giving up on this day all together was 

a note.

i found it right inside the door when i got home tonight.

it was from the husband.

it's funny how the little things can make such a big difference in our lives.

no, this isn't a thursday through my eyes post.

but it was needed.

here are some sneak peaks...
feel lucky because no one, i repeat, no one has seen these.

bears. yikes.

a few weeks ago, 

the husband and i went camping.

i should tell you...i have only been camping once.

and there was a covered area, fireplace, bathroom, and bbq's.

oh and about 20 other people.

this time it was just me, the husband, and yup, me and the husband.

if you know anything about me, you'd know that i am an extremely paranoid person.

i am pretty sure i am afraid of my own shadow. 

and definitely afraid of the dark.

point being...

every crack of a twig there was a gasp.

every movement of leaves there was a jolt of my body 

turning towards what i was sure was either going to be a bear creeping up on us 

or some other animal i was sure wanted to eat me.

this about killed the husband.

i have to laugh about it now of course...

poor guy.

one man can only take so much fear 

before he starts second guessing himself too!

after a summer of relaxation and even some...

dare i say it...

boredom

my weeks are full of stress, pressure, and a high speed pace.

not a minute to spare.

ever.

my weekends have become full of precious time with family. 

and my bed.

i forgot how much i loved my bed.

have a great week...hopefully i will see you before thursday! :) 

thursday through my eyes

"oh wow, i didn't realize that you were mormon"

i was thinking about this comment a lot this week.

i have heard it many times.

i don't really like it.

there are those that say, 

"i didn't know that you are mormon"

and those that say,

"i didn't know that you are mooormon"

there is a difference.

can you hear it?

the emphasis on the moooooorman.

this comment bothers me.

it reveals what that individual thinks about the LDS church?

why didn't you realize i was moooormon?

because i don't look like a cult memeber?

because i don't have 100 siblings?

because i am not strange like you thought mormons were?

i know i sound bitter.

i just wish people thought differently about mooooormons.

through my eyes, being mormon makes me a better person.

sorry thats not how you see it. 

mormon hater?

i know.

its friday.

almost saturday.

i've missed my thursday post.

but oh if only you knew the stresses i have been dealing with at school.

i have now had my room completely set up and ready to go.

then had to change everything.

three times. 

needless to say...

my brain is dead.

and so is my level of awareness.

i didn't even know yesterday was thursday!

sheesh.

anyway...i met my class and their parents today for the first time.

one of the moms mentioned she had a mutual friend of mine 

{who is mormon}

and then asked if i was. 

i laughed and said yes

 because i knew instantly that she was too.

whats weird is that knowing she was mormon was...comforting.

i don't know why

but i keep having day dreams, well day-mares, that 

a parent of one of my students finds out i am mormon and is not happy.

in my thoughts they are loud, they throw things, drag their child out my room and yell,

"i will not have trash teaching my child"

it makes me sick to my stomach.

i think ultimately it's showing me my inner fears...

i am afraid people won't like me because of my faith.

 because of who i am.

i know i shouldn't let other peoples' attitudes bother me.

but i cannot stop these thoughts.

they stink.

big time. 

i cant believe signs like this exist...however i am pretty sure the parent in my day-mares would be carrying this outside my classroom door. 

:(

school

it's back to school time for me and the other teachers in my district.

that means long days and not a lot of sleep.

and the kids haven't even started yet.

today i get to sit in a lecture hall all day 

while my classroom just sits and waits for me to come finish setting up. 

i am so excited. 

{please note the sarcasm}

happy wednesday! 

trippin' part deux

i think i mentioned we ate a lot while in san francisco.

if not...

we ate a lot in san franciso.

but we also did a lot of other fun activites.

we went on walks.

toured the city.

went to a giants game.

went to china town...it was HUGE.

i saw a man carrying a box with live, for the moment, chickens.

it was...weird.

we saw alcatraz.

we saw the burned and abandoned bath house ruins.

we walked along the piers.

 and MUCH more. 

{me, my sis-in-law in the middle, and her friend}

{the husband and i at the sutro bath house ruins}

{the bath house burned down in 1966} 

{china town}

the. trip. was. awesome.

the worst feelings.

i am feeling inadequate in every sense of the word.

i don't think anything i do ever adds up to what i want it to be.

or what others want it to be.

it is a really sucky feeling. 

i have always been a perfectionist...

but this is different.

 it is having an impact on not just myself but those most important to me. 

i am not happy with myself so why should others be happy with me?

i am at a complete loss as to what to do.

i am not doing "x" enough.

i don't "y" enough.

i should "z" more.

i am trying.

i really am.

but it's not enough.

thinking about lots. 

clearly.

trippin' part 1

the husband and i had a wonderful time

on our trip down the west coast.

we woke up early 

hopped in the car

and drove straight to sunny san fran.

and when i say sunny, i mean freezing cold.
the thickest fog i have ever seen rolled in around 6:30 every night.
yes, rolled.
or maybe crawled?
you could literally watch it creep its way down the street
until it surrounded you
in it's wet, thick, cold, air.

who has their 'winter' season during august?! 

thanks san francisco.

while we were there we ate wonderful food.

and then went and got more food.

and then we ate food.

did i mention we ate lots of food?

lets just say i wont be eating sugar or sweets for a while.
{well...at least until my pants fit again.}

{don't worry...it was my second milkshake of the day}

{saturday market with amazing fruits and veggies...and some questionable flavored water}

{we almost got eaten by a seagull...hey, not much different than seattle!}

{we went to a few uh-mazing local market places}

{and we ate, and ate, and ate then got dessertS}

thursday through my eyes...

as a new school year begins
and as summer draws to a close,

i cant help but reminisce about my childhood. 

my family.

 my whole family... together.

all six of us.

not the broken pieces we are now.

i think about my friends.

long days at the swimming pool.

i remember looking out the window at night, 

not wanting to go to bed, 

wishing i could stay up with "the big kids"

{i was the youngest of 4 children}

i think about the days where i would run around barefoot all day long.

not a care in the world.

now, i take my shoes off on the gravel and try to hold my balance.

the rocks feel sharp, nothing like they use to. 

through my eyes, 

the world is a much different place. 

it isn't innocent.

it isn't at all like i remember.

the sad thing is that the reason it looks different through my eyes is because it is different.

parents don't let their children play in the street all day, whistling when it's time to come home from dinner.

i am scared for the world my children will experience.

and i can't help but wonder what they will see, through their eyes. 

seattle 'rain'

forgot to add these ones...this is me preparing myself for fall in seattle. 

it's a good thing i love the rain. 

photos...

as promised...here are the hair pictures!

mint, cream, and chocolate...

yum.

nothing beats homemade ice cream on a hot summer night.

fresh mint, straight from my father in law's garden.

cream.

sugar.

finely chopped dark chocolate.

all mixed together by hand.
 with love {of course}.

thursday through my eyes

the husband and i are back!

and i have had so much to reflect on over this vacation.

i will write about our trip later this week {with pictures of course}.

the husband and i were walking along haight street in san francisco 

when we over heard this:

"oh yeah, it's sunday today!"

we looked at each other and smiled. 

we were thinking the exact same thing

 and i couldn't help but think

 of how very differently from these two strangers 

that i view sunday.

sunday isn't just another day of the week.

in fact, i think without sunday, i'd be lost.

on sunday, i wake up early.

i get ready.

i go to church.

3 hours of church.

i take the sacrament.

i learn.

i grow.

i usualy squeeze in a sunday nap.

i have family dinner.

i relax.

no working.

no stress.

i never have that "what day is it today" feeling, 

because i know...it's sunday.

i love my sunday routine.

i love that it is the day of the week that i can reset.

refocus.

renew myself.

i didn't feel this way before being baptized.

before going to church consistently.

 but now

through my eyes, sunday's are special.

and in my opinion, thats how they should be.

san fran.

the husband and i are on a road trip! 

i love road trips.

singing in the car.

eating at new places.

being out of your comfort zone.

it's the best.

i am taking lots of pictures and cannot wait to share when i get back! 

have a great weekend 

and don't miss me too much. 

:) 

thursday through my eyes...

i am very excited to say that i am starting a new post
series.

it will be titled "thursday through my eyes"

each thursday, i will be writing a post about something in my life.

something that i see differently because i am...

mormon.

i want to reflect on myself. 

on the world around me.

i really want to push myself to know and appreciate how i see the world differently.

because i am truly, a changed person.

something you may not know.

it's the husband's birthday today!

wahoo!

so here's a fun post about the husband and i that i thought you might like to read...

many of you may know this fun tidbit about me already...but here it is anyway!

a reader left a comment under this post about my husband and i a while back. she said:

It does seem really heaven-sent that you found each other so young

and that you stayed together despite your differences.

Christ really put his hand on your relationship and guided you both

- I am in awe.

she was referring to when we became friends and started dating junior year in high school...but high school was not the first time we ran in to each other.

my husband and i had been going to the same school together since 6th grade {11 years old}. while we were never friends and never knew each other personally, we definitely knew who the other was and had the occasional class together.

after we began dating i use to joke about the possibility of us having a run-in with each other at an even younger age... since we both grew up in the same town, from a very young age, surely there was some park, some birthday party, some time that we both played together unknowingly {a far-fetched, yet fun idea to amuse myself with}.

3 years later i came across this footage {that i turned into a little movie this week} as we watched the husband's home videos:

i kid you not, that cute-as-can be little blondie is my man! and the little-rat-like girl, hair {always} in her face, with an unmistakable grin {as most of my front teeth had been chipped after slipping and hitting my head on a coffee table} is ME!

can you believe it! 4 years old and right next to each other! he likes to joke that i have been stalking him ever since that day so long ago... what can i say, he was as much of a stud then as he is now!

not that girl.

 i was at the salon.

again.

twice in 3 days.

{trust me it would have been sooner had i been able to score an appointment}

looking around me, i noticed i was surrounded by ombres. 

not liking... any of them. 

especially the one that was looking back at me in the mirror.

maybe it's my unwillingness to conform to 'hype' that makes me dislike the look.

 i didn't read harry potter. 

or twilight.

i don't have an iphone.

i don't own any mint, or orange clothing.

i am just not that trendy i guess.

i am pretty sure that half the clothes in my closet are from at least 5 years ago.

well, like i said, i went back to the salon.

something i have never done.

i don't like to dissapoint people, or make them feel bad.

i didn't want to hurt the hair dresser's feelings.

it didn't look bad,

in fact i was told it was "fergalicious" 

{lol} 

by a friend of mine.

she said i looked like a model, and i'll admit, i liked that much.

but in the end...

i didn't think it was me.

i didn't look like me, to me at least. 

and that is what is most important. 

so i am no longer fergalicious,

but i am back to the real me!

 

{before haircut/color}

{the good news is that the husband and i did a fun photo shoot with my oh so blonde locks before i had them dyed back...i'll post them this week!}

oh ya baby!

yup.
that's all. 

screaming...

have you ever been around something that made you so excited you felt like screaming?

not scared screaming.

happy, i cannot hold it in any longer, i have goosebumps, i am kid with too much sugar screaming. 

{sort of like when a toddler sees something they are SUPER excited about and squeals}

that was me.

this weekend.

watching the awesome  no, ridiculously amazing Blue Angels fly over my head.

and believe me when i say:

they are loud. 

and so crazy!

i don't even like riding bikes next to people because i am afraid we are going to crash,

or maybe our handle bars will get stuck together...

 let alone fly a jet plane going 700 MPH flying only 18 INCHES apart. 

in case you forgot, that is just a little longer than a standard ruler. 

holy moly.

i was like a kid on christmas morning. 

those crazy suckers bring my right back to my childhood
when i would run outside the house i grew up in 

to watch them race by and fill the sky with smoke.

i love summer! 

{the husband and his dad...we call him 'the todd'}

what are your summer traditions?