struggle.

what do you do

when you want to explain yourself to someone

because you are unhappy

but you know they just...don't understand?

this is my current struggle.

i am definitely not a confrontational person.

{by any means}

but there are times in life when enough is enough

 and you know that if you don't explain how you are feeling

self destruction is just knocking on the door. 

i know i am being very vague
{and eventually i will get around to telling all about it}
but i just want you all to know something:

even when something is hard to do.
do it.

don't wait around, hoping for things to get better
because chances are...they wont.

be strong.
have courage
and have faith in the lord that he will help you.

because he will.

"i'm a convert, not a convert-er!"

since being baptized into the LDS church i have really only focused on myself. what i mean by that is that i have been busy growing my own testimony and learning more about the gospel and the church to help me grow.

i cannot count, or even remember, the number of times i have been asked if my family is interested, or been told i should talk to my mom, my brothers, my dad, step mom, step siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents...my cousins...my dog.....{just kidding, i don't even have a dog}...about the church.

i have to admit, it made me frustrated having so many people pressure me about my family, and hearing them say "they'll be members some day". i would think to myself:

'what do i care if they are members?! i was just baptized...let me figure myself out!'

well... everything's changed.

last sunday my husband and i watched a movie: "Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration". i had seen the movie just twice before sunday, both times i was very emotional, and both times included a LOT of crying {even the first time i saw the movie which was before i was a member of the church}.

this time we watched it, it was much different.

the entire movie i could not stop crying. i cried harder than i have even cried when watching a movie in my entire life.

as i watched i couldn't believe that i was a part of what i was watching... that everything Joseph Smith did, everything he went though {losing friends, children, being tarred and feathered, being killed for what he believed} has become a part of my life and has made it possible for me to be where i am today.

and then i started crying even harder. i wished so badly, for the first time, that my family would know what i know. that they could share with me in the great happiness that i feel because of my membership in the LDS church. i wish their hearts would be softened and they could feel what i do, that they could just... understand.

i want so badly to sit by my mom at church on sundays. i want my family there with me. i want to go to the temple with them... to be sealed to each one of them.

i am filled with so many emotions.

love...

sadness...

faith...

hope...

anxiety...

pressure...

but mostly gratitude... for those members of the church who came before me. who showed me the way, and led those to come in the greatest way possible- by example.

i hope i can be that light for someone else. i hope i can be more like they were.

resolutions...

happy new year!

i cannot believe it's the start of yet another year... a fresh start, a new beginning!

i have never been the 'resolution' type, but this year i am going to try...

the past few months, since being married, have been crazy. i am not going to lie and say that they have been easy because they have definitely had their ups and downs, however i will say that they have been wonderful all the same.

although we've been together for over 6 years, since being married and living with my husband i learn something new about him every day. i learn something new about myself, oh... every other second.

one thing that i have learned is that most of the 'downs' in the past few months have been related to one thing: my patience... while i thought that i had patience, i realize i have none. this is definitely a problem, for example when my cute husband loads the dishwasher and thinks i will have a sigh of relief but rather i sigh with frustration because he put the silverware in upside down.... come on kristen! who cares!!!

so what is my resolution?!....i can tell you are all just holding your breath waiting to find out {note the sarcasm}.

to be more patient and and to be more confident in myself.

i know that with more patience my whole life will run more smoothly... i wont get upset when i am stuck at a red light, or when i am at the grocery store and the line i chose is the worst! {isn't that how it always works out?!} or when the stupid silverware is upside down. life will just be better with patience.

and the second part of my resolution: have i mentioned that i have no self-confidence?! i am always frustrated with this or that about myself... that i wish this was different or that i didn't have that 'issue'. it drives the husband absolutely crazy because in his eyes i am...wait for it... "perfect". oh bless him, what a sweetheart! {but what a crazy man!! i mean seriously, who's perfect? and how boring is perfect!!}

my goal is to come to love who i am, and for everything that i am...no ifs, ands and despite the butt! {hehe}

humor aside, i am ready for what the new year has to offer me and excited to work on my goals!

i am not sure if 2011 can beat an engagement and a wedding... but i guess we'll just have to wait and see.

happy new year to you and your family...here's to 2011!

giving to the poor.

it happens to us all.

whether we are driving in our cars and just outside our window someone is standing with a tattered cardboard sign or we are walking and {it seems like} out of no where a stranger is standing right next to us begging for spare change... we all have run-in's with 'homeless' men and women asking for money.

{the reason i have 'homeless' in quotes is not to belittle what it means to be homeless but rather because of the ever present question of is this person actually homeless.}

anyway...i often struggle with the question of if i should give these people money. without a doubt i would offer spare money i have if i knew that it would not be used on alcohol and drugs, but how do you know for sure?!

my mom used to keep brown paper bags filled with water bottles, granola bars and other snacks to hand individuals expressing hunger and the need for food, just to make sure they can't spend money on boose and while i should probably do this i haven't yet...

in the mean time i try to go by the spirit. in other words, i listen to my gut... if i truly feel like this person is struggling and needs money i will offer what i have...

just two days ago however, i was angered beyond belief by a "poor starving artist living on the street". after finishing my grocery shopping i was leaving the store and practically jumped on by a notorious man in my city who day in and day out stands by our shopping center. he asked for spare change. this man has always intrigued me because i've wondered what all his signs mean {he wears very random signs, and a coat that says 'artist skateboard mike'} and i really did feel bad for him so i scrounged for the very little change i had and i offered it to him. he took the change gratefully and i walked to my car.

while unloading my groceries i realized that the bag of oranges i had bought would never be finished by my husband and i so i ripped a hole in the bag and grabbed a couple oranges to bring back to 'mike'. i was so excited to have something to offer him and when i got back to where he was standing i raised the oranges up and offered them to him...

a look of complete and utter disgust took over his face. and rage began to take over my body. he looked at the oranges, looked at me and then, trying to come up with any excuse he could said, "oranges, uh... don't agree with me". without a word i turned around and walked back to my car.

this is the second time i have offered food to a "starving" person on the side of the road and they've refused to take it with an extremely bad attitude...it makes me angry beyond belief when this happens, i cant help it!

i am not sure about all of you, but if i was starving and living on the streets i would pretty much eat anything, as long as it wouldn't kill me...

i dont really have a moral to the story or reason for this post {as i will continue to struggle with to who and when to give money} however i wanted to share a frustration and question if this has ever happened to any of you? and if it has, does it make your blood boil like mine?! what do you all do when confronted by people asking for money?