freaky friday:

ironic that when i went to type in 'freaky friday' my computer went on the fritz and posted just the title that i had written before i had time to type anything else...hmmm. freaky?!

anyway, the reason for this post is because something crazy happened!!! {ok it wasn't that crazy, but it was a little strange}

this one is for all you 'LOST' fans out there...

last weekend the husband, my mom and i were watching LOST {the television show}...to those of you who don't watch it, be careful starting it...it is A-DICTING.

for those of you who DO watch it, SHHHH i haven't finished watching the last season, so no spoiling it for me :] and i promise i wont spoil it for you if you haven't finished and you keep reading...

like i said, we were watching an episode {i think it was the 8th?} of the last season and i legitimately had to pause the dvd and turn to my husband and say "WHAT?!?!?!"...the episode that was playing before my eyes had more LDS church ideas and 'stuff' than i could handle without stopping and saying something.

obviously they worded everything differently than the church does, but the similarities between the dialogues in the show and what i was taught by the missionaries was uncanny. i even turned to my mom and said "remember when the missionaries taught you about...blah blah blah" and she was shocked to realize the similarities. {not to mention the quick conversation we had was a good refresher for her on a church topic}.

anyway, this post is really random, and very confusing, but i had to let you all know....i swear, the church is integrated in everything i do...

it's freaky.

advice...i need it!

ok, so i need advice.

blogging: i love it. i love being able to express my feelings {good and bad} and i love having somewhere to write everything down {other than my personal journal}.

mostly i love that when i am confused about something, upset or struggling, or just trying to better understand, i can write about it and through the writing process i am able to more clearly think about the topic/issue and really evaluate.

here lies the problem: i don't mind putting myself out there for strangers... at all! in fact i love it! i was just featured on one of my favorite blogs "that wife" {you can check out her wonderful blog and read the post here}. the thought of strangers and new friends reading my blog was exciting.

i also don't mind sharing my blog with friends from church. what i have found is that it is uncomfortable, for lack of a better way to put it, telling or sharing my blog with non-member friends and my family. i feel embarrassed telling them about it.

my friends who have read my blog tell me i need to be more brave to just post the link on my facebook account because it is worth sharing!...but i can't do it.

in fact i've tried... two days ago. i posted the link under 'my website' and then after i clicked submit and went straight back and deleted it.

i am worried friends will no longer be my friend because i am LDS. that they will think i am weird and gossip about me behind my back {something i know is already going on, and hurts to think about}. THE WORST PART ABOUT IT IS: those are the types of friends i would never want to have in the first place AND all my real friends already know i am a member and i am still embarrassed to share my blog.

what is my problem!? if everyone already knows, and i am in no way ashamed of my choices, then why is it so hard for me to tell those people who are close to me about it?

also, and this is a BIG issue. as you may have noticed, i have a very good relationship with my mom. i love her so much! she means the world to me and i tell her EVERYTHING {save some details of course}... she has no idea i have a blog! so many of my struggles as a convert are family related. surely i wouldn't be able to voice my true feelings as a convert {the very purpose of this blog} if they are mommy related and mommy is reading the blog! at the same time, maybe she should know?!

help!

"i'm a convert, not a convert-er!"

since being baptized into the LDS church i have really only focused on myself. what i mean by that is that i have been busy growing my own testimony and learning more about the gospel and the church to help me grow.

i cannot count, or even remember, the number of times i have been asked if my family is interested, or been told i should talk to my mom, my brothers, my dad, step mom, step siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents...my cousins...my dog.....{just kidding, i don't even have a dog}...about the church.

i have to admit, it made me frustrated having so many people pressure me about my family, and hearing them say "they'll be members some day". i would think to myself:

'what do i care if they are members?! i was just baptized...let me figure myself out!'

well... everything's changed.

last sunday my husband and i watched a movie: "Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration". i had seen the movie just twice before sunday, both times i was very emotional, and both times included a LOT of crying {even the first time i saw the movie which was before i was a member of the church}.

this time we watched it, it was much different.

the entire movie i could not stop crying. i cried harder than i have even cried when watching a movie in my entire life.

as i watched i couldn't believe that i was a part of what i was watching... that everything Joseph Smith did, everything he went though {losing friends, children, being tarred and feathered, being killed for what he believed} has become a part of my life and has made it possible for me to be where i am today.

and then i started crying even harder. i wished so badly, for the first time, that my family would know what i know. that they could share with me in the great happiness that i feel because of my membership in the LDS church. i wish their hearts would be softened and they could feel what i do, that they could just... understand.

i want so badly to sit by my mom at church on sundays. i want my family there with me. i want to go to the temple with them... to be sealed to each one of them.

i am filled with so many emotions.

love...

sadness...

faith...

hope...

anxiety...

pressure...

but mostly gratitude... for those members of the church who came before me. who showed me the way, and led those to come in the greatest way possible- by example.

i hope i can be that light for someone else. i hope i can be more like they were.

if you just believe...

christmas can be a hard time of year.

amidst the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, and in spite of the holiday parties and sugar cookies galore, it is also a time where we reflect on ourselves and our families.

for me it is the time of year that reminds me that my family is not what is always was...

what i mean is that it is this time of year that really makes me think about my parents divorce and how much i wish that it never happened, how much i wish that my cute little family was one again...instead of little pieces.

i have been told that i shouldn't be bothered by it...that i am 23 and i should just grow up and get over it. but i don't see it that way. whether you are 3 or 43 i think it would still be hard to see your family going through something like that.

regardless what people say, i cannot help but be a little sad at this time of year thinking and dreaming about christmas past.

when i am feeling this way i turn to josh groban's song "believe":

"children sleeping, snow is softly falling

dreams are calling like bells in the distance
we were dreamers not so long ago
but one by one we all had to grow up
when it seems the magic's slipped away
we find it all again on Christmas day

believe in what your heart is saying

hear the melody that's playing

there's no time to waste
there's so much to celebrate
believe in what you feel inside
and give your dreams the wings to fly
you have everything you need
if you just believe"

if you haven't heard the song, find it on itunes and listen to it, it is beautiful... {from the polar express soundtrack}.

i especially love the part in red because it is so true. no matter how we are feeling before christmas...the joy, laughter, smiles, and company -no matter who it is- on christmas make the day truly magical.

i wish everyday could feel like christmas.

with that...

"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house..."

...you know the rest of the story. get off your computer, snuggle by a fire, and go finish it with your family and loved ones.

and please, have a VERY merry christmas!

love always,

vancouver b.c. temple

words cannot truly express my experience at the open house of the vancouver b.c. temple. as we pulled into the driveway i was overcome with the spirit and i knew that it was going to be an experience that i would never forget.

as we walked from room to room with our tour guide i was in awe of the beauty that i was surrounded by. every one of the rooms we entered was magnificent. even the chandeliers were so brilliant that it was impossible to not be captured by their immaculate beauty.

as we entered the sealing room (the last room on the tour and the room in the temple in which couples are married and sealed together for time and all eternity) i was filled with happiness and i couldn't help but glance behind me where my fiancé was standing. we exchanged smiles and i know that we were both thinking the same thing...that in just a little over 3 months we would be standing in a room very similar to the one we were in and that WE would be getting sealed to one another for eternity. tears of love, joy, peace, and happiness flooded my eyes.

having not only my fiancé and his brother and dad with us, but also my brother and mom along made the trip very special to me. the fact the i was able to share in this experience with them means the world to me....

my brother who has never showed an interest in spiritual...well... anything, was asking questions and and seeking answers. my mom, though still reserved towards some ideas of the LDS church was able to acknowledge and truly enjoy the simplistic elegance that is inside the temple.

my testimony of temples grows every day and the love and respect i have for my family and their support is inexpressible....

i am overwhelmed by the countless blessings and opportunities that i have been given since being a member of the LDS church... and i know in my heart that somehow the pathway that lies ahead of me is going to be even more amazing that the trails that are behind me.

love and marriage... and....temples?!

so...first, i apologize for the long period i have been away from my blog...i guess i am not as consistent as i thought i could be...second, so much in my life has changed...

on february 12, 2010 by boyfriend of 5 1/2 years proposed in, what i think is the most romantic way possible...but this isn't a personal blog so i will skip the details...sorry!

with a wedding in the near future it is time to think about the temple.

as many of you probably know, or have heard, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints have the opportunity to be married inside one of the many LDS temples...as a convert to the church this idea, of being married in the temple, is a new one to me...

first, you must be a member of the church to go into the temple, and second you have to be living your life in a way that is worthy of going inside the temple...although i am a member of the church and i try my best to be the best i can, not a single person in my family is a member of the church...this means that NONE of them will be able to see me get married inside the temple....this, as you can imagine, has created a roller coaster of emotions for me, and i am sure for my family as well...

however, with all the turmoil, the mix of emotions, and the big question marks that are no doubt looming over my families head concerning the temple, the lord always finds a way to help us when we are in need....

this week, something very special is happening. a temple in vancouver, canada was recently built and is open for the public to take tours...this means that non-members, like my family, will have an opportunity to go inside an LDS temple and see how wonderful it really is. because i will be getting married in august and my family will not be able to join my fiance and i inside the temple, this was a chance that i could not pass up!

my mom and i are driving to canada this weekend to see and visit the vancouver temple. i know that this is going to be such a blessing and even though my mom and family will not be able to come inside the temple on my actual wedding day, at least my mom will have a vivid picture in her head of the temple and the types of rooms we will be in...specifically the sealing room (which i will be writing about very soon!)

if you would like to visit the temple...go. i would highly recommend it! i have never been inside a temple myself but i know in my heart that is going to be wonderful...i am beyond excited and cannot wait to go...what a great opportunity this is going to be for everyone who goes...and it does not happen very often...please take advantage of it...you have until april 24th.

here is a link to the LDS website with more information:

http://www.lds.org/temples/main/0,11204,1919-1-594-2,00.html

confusion to confidence.

so...its been way too long. and i do apologize about that, but here i go again...

like i said, i did not have the confidence to tell anyone that i was going to be baptized. i was nervous and pretty uneasy about my decision. it was not until about a week or two later that i had an experience, too personal to share via internet, that changed my perspective about baptism completely. i was no longer scared to tell anyone about my decision to be baptized. i even felt ready to tell my mom the news.

i told her that day, after prayers for comfort and continued confidence...she responded in a matter that i could have never imagined...with love, compassion, and so much support that i was overwhelmed. i even explained to her that i was going to wait until after our trip for my 21st birthday and she said, "honey, this is really important to you...why wait?!"....my heart literally skipped a beat. i could not be more happy that my mom was being so supportive...especially knowing that she is in no means the number one fan of the LDS church.

i called the missionaries and changed my baptism date to april 19, 2008...about a month in the future...(interesting: there is something special about this date...i found out later, after i was baptized in fact, that one of the missionaries had an experience leading him to believe that april 19th would be the day i was baptized...but that is a whole different story i can share at another time)

my attitude had completely changed and i was ready for the month to come...

one giant step for...me.

so i was meeting with the missionaries twice a week. once with my mom and once by myself... i liked talking with them and looked forward to learning about the church...

the missionaries have a set of five lessons that help guide them in teaching fundamentals about the church...if an investigator is struggling to grasp a concept, or doesnt agree, or has reservations they will continue to teach that person more about the topic until that individual is ready to move on...

meeting with the missionaries twice a week meant i flew through the lessons...but i was still not ready to take the giant step and be baptized. i had no confidence to help me make that decision and so i kept meeting with the missionaries, only now it was just once a week and without my mom.

those poor missionaries. they had to come up with so many games and things to teach me that it was probably a nightmare for them. but they kept coming back and coming back and coming back.

they finally, and i will say it was very bold, asked me if i would just pick a date to be baptized. nervous, i agreed....BUT i said it had to be after my 21st birthday which was 3 months away.

i had a trip planned to go to vegas with my mom for my birthday...i didnt want to have any regrets about going there and not being able to drink...and i thought that it would hurt my moms feelings a lot if i didnt drink on our trip for my 21st birthday!

it was planned that i would be baptized the second week in june 2008(...after my birthday, after my trip.) i was really nervous, and not at all confident with that decision...but it was set, and i figured i could always change the date or cancel it...

because i was so uneasy, i decided that i was not going to tell anyone...

at least not yet.