thursday through {the husbands} eyes.

...or through his lens rather.

the husband put this video together yesterday.

only he could take a simple walk,

and turn it into something so fun...

Mamma 'n Me from Brett Smith on Vimeo.

BH.

i read a blog post yesterday that really spoke to me.

the post was all about post-partum body image, and an alter ego named 'body hater' 

aka 'BH'.

i don't have much to say or add,

other than the fact that if you are a woman who is pregnant, 

a woman who already has a child, 

or a woman who ever wants children in the future,

i suggest you book mark the post for when you might need the reminder.

there is no denying the fact that pregnancy changes your body,

but what i love about the blog post is that it brings out the truth:

pregnancy is suppose to change your body!

your body changes for a reason:

"My body is being molded into a different shape 
so that I can be the best possible caretaker for this child."

today,

 as i get dressed,

i will look in the mirror at the 'tiger stripes' that cover my stomach,

slip into my bigger-than-pre-baby jeans,

avoid stepping on the scale,

and tell BH to get lost.

because being a mom is worth it.

and...

{in the words of 'sweet brown'}

"aint nobody got time for that."

link to the post i refer to: A Post It-Size Post About Postpartum

pre-halloween.

every year, before halloween, our church has a party.

we call it 'trunk-or-treat' because after a traditional chili and cornbread dinner,

and the little ones parading across the stage in costume,

the kiddies take their pumpkin buckets outside to the parking lot and go car to car 

{or trunk to trunk}

trick-or-treating.

it's always a big hit,

and why shouldn't it be...

after all, it's like halloween on steroids for the kids.

they have to walk all of 2 feet to the next trunk...

and their bags are filled with gobs of candy in about 5 minutes flat.

i'd say that sure beats walking for a couple hours to fill up a bag.

or maybe it's not better...

i'll let you decide.

every once in a while, our family decides to dress in themes.

this year was no exception.

although...it took my sister-in-law and i some coercing to get the husband 

and father-in-law to wear this years choice in costume.

why you ask?

we decided to be rats.

the adult 'costumes' included a gray shirt, 

which i added the acronym: R.O.U.S. to...

funny right?!

well...only if you have seen 'the princess bride' it is.

and if you haven't seen the movie:

1) stop reading and go watch it now.

2) the acronym stands for "rodents of unusual size".

{see, a group of adults dressed as ROUS'...funny, i know.}

please note: clearly my sister-in-law and i wouldn't make good politicians because 

as you can see from the pictures below...

my father-in-law wouldn't be photographed in the costume 

and my nephew refused to wear it all together.

c'est la vie...

at least the baby girls look a.d.o.r.a.b.l.e.

oh-- and you can bet there will be more baby-rat pictures to come after halloween.

...preferably ones that are not passed a specific little rat's bedtime.

...ones where she actually looks happy.

... and ones that aren't so grainy 

due to taking pictures of pictures 

because a certain larger rat forgot their camera.

4 months.

time is so weird.

tomorrow chloe will be 4 months old.

to all of you, that probably doesn't seem that long.

to me, 4 months seems like an eternity...

it seems like another lifetime ago that we were in the hospital with her for the first time.

at the same time--it seems like time has escaped me.

i cannot believe it has already been 4 months! 

how is that even possible?!

stay tuned for a halloweeny post on monday.

baby c makes the cutest...

well, you'll just have to wait and see.

my one true love.

being a new mom comes with many changes.

we have all heard the usual:

"you'll never sleep again"

we prepare ourselves for changing diapers...

spit up...

crying.
we get excited for the snuggles and the smiles.
and let's not forget the giggles...

but what i wasn't prepared for was having to give up my one true love.

milk.
ok, i realize that was a bit dramatic...
and maybe milk isn't my one true love, but let's just say:
i.love.me.some.milk!

i had no idea, prior to having a baby, that i might have to change my diet due to nursing.
fortunately, most women don't have to change their diet at all.
unfortunately, i happen to be unlucky and did not fall into that 'most' category.
it's a good thing i don't live in district 12, because the odds are not in my favor...
{yes, i did just reference the hunger games}

no milk means:
no milk {duh}, no cheese, no butter, no chocolate {you can eat specialty dark chocolate},
and no anything that contains any of the previous mentioned items.

most people would probably have used this to their advantage and decided,
"hey, i'll just make healthier options now and eat better...aka no pizza, desserts, etc"
but what do i do?
i research every dessert that doesn't need dairy,
find all the substitutes to dairy that i can use,
and make/eat every dessert i possibly can...
especially my new favorite chocolate chip cookies.
which i've made 3 times already.
{have i mentioned i have a sweet tooth?!}

now i'm off to make a dairy free chocolate cake.
...and i wonder why 'i just can't loose that extra baby weight!'
ugh.

i'm a salmon.

last weekend i had the opportunity to go to a local salmon hatchery.

i know... it sounds really exciting {note my sarcasm}.

the thing is...

it was actually very cool.

when you first arrive, you walk over a small bridge where you can see countless salmon.

these salmon are returning to where they were born.

 after a lifetime of making their way to the icy oceans

 {from this exact hatchery} 

and growing into mature fish,

these salmon return to their birthplace, to reproduce, which will end their life cycle.

 the hundreds of salmon we watched from the bridge were attempting to jump upstream 

passed a man-made fish barrier.

after repeated jumps, these salmon try the alternative underwater flow 

which leads to the fish ladders and ultimately, holding ponds.

the ladders at the hatchery are surrounded by glass walls.

this is to allow observers to watch as the fish use every last ounce of energy they have

 to make it to the holding ponds.

many of the fish die in this process, if not before.

many of the fish in the ladders are clearly bruised, beaten, and sickly.

so, i know you are now wondering why the heck i am writing about salmon.
i promise there is a correlation.

the thing is, after watching these salmon try to make their way back home,
i realized something strange...

we, as christians, are just like the salmon in a sense.
weird analogy, i know, but hear me out...

in the LDS church, we believe that we came to earth from a pre-mortal existence.
we lived with our father in heaven and chose to come to earth.
we are blessed with a body at birth
and are given free agency to make our own choices as we learn and grow.

just like the salmon who leave the hatchery to mature and grow,
and then do everything in their power to return to the hatchery...
we come to earth in order to gain experiences,
 to make choices {hopefully good ones},
to learn,
to develop and to progress into the best people we can,
all so that we can return to heaven again.

so, what are we, 

if not like the salmon...

spending our entire lives trying to build ourselves up.

trying to reach a 'higher ground' {or ladders in the salmon's case...}

trying to be better people.
trying to get home.

{my cute family on the bridge} 

{my sister-in-law and niece looking over the bridge at the salmon} 

{niece and nephew} 

{salmon watching}

{my beautiful niece} 

{grandpa loves his grandkids!}

{i spy a salmon!}

{baby c obviously had a great time too!}

the house that built me.

i was flipping through old photos yesterday.

some made me laugh, a lot made me smile, 

some made me reminisce on years that seem very long ago...

but the one photo that stood out the most to me wasn't a picture of me, or family...

the picture that stood out the most was a picture of the house i grew up in.

when i say grew up in, i mean it literally.

we moved into that house

{after my parents built it from the ground up}

 when i was just 3 years old.

i moved out when i was 18-- 

i went off to college,

and due to their divorce, 

my parents sold the only house i had ever known...

the house that has my handprints in the cement on the garage floor.

the house that i learned to ride a bike in front of...

the house that i had my first real kiss with the husband in front of.

 i am fairly certain i could tell you exactly how many stairs are in each of the staircases.

i could probably walk through the entire house blindfolded and not get hurt.

looking at this single picture brings back a flood of so many memories.

happy memories.

sad memories.

great memories.

memories that have lead me to who i am today.

my first few years in college were rough years for me.

looking back on them, i realize that i struggled with depression worse than i care to admit.

all the changes i was going through definitely attributed to the depression

i know that having to give up the only home i ever knew did too.

have you ever heard the miranda lambert song, "the house that built me"?

she puts into words exactly how i felt:

{"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it 

this brokenness inside me might start healing. 

Out here its like I'm someone else, 

I thought that maybe I could find myself. 

If I could just come in I swear I'll leave. 

Won't take nothing but a memory from the house that built me."}

even though the depression is gone now, and i'm married with a daughter...

i'd be lying if i said i wouldn't want to go back inside.

fresh start.

fall.

every year when the air starts to turn crisp,

i cannot help but feel a sense of renewal. 

i know the new year technically starts in january, 

but i cannot help but feel like fall is my time of year for a fresh new start. 

i love seeing the sun shining through the color changing leaves.

the fall hues of yellow, orange, and red.

bundling up for walks with the husband--

a tradition that now baby c can join us in.

sweaters.

rain.

pumpkins.

halloween.

mulling spices.

candles.

thanksgiving.

need i say more?

i think i say it about every season...but i absolutely love fall.

thursday through my eyes: on alcohol.

ok.

alcohol...

hot button topic, i know.

on my 21st birthday, 

just about a month after i was baptized,

the husband

 {he was then called--the boyfriend} 

and i went out to a nice restaurant for dinner.

it was the typical, "hi, how are you" as we took a seat at our table.

then...our waiter came.

server:

"hey guys! are we celebrating anything special?!"

me: 

"it's actually my 21st birthday..."

server:

"awesome! happy birthday! let's get you two started with some drinks!! we've got x, y, z...how about some shots?!"

me:

"oh, no that's ok. do you have diet coke?"

what followed my words in that moment will live in my mind forever.

our server literally looked at us {speechless} and walked away.

he did not utter one.single.word.

rather, with a dumbfounded look on his face, he turned and headed away from us.

the funny thing about this situation is...

it has happened to the husband and i multiple times since then.

most of the time it is at a nice restaurant!

it's not that our server walks away each time... 

but the moment we say we aren't ordering alcoholic drinks, 

and our server knows the bill is going to be smaller {aka smaller tip},

our service tanks. 

we've even had to speak to a manager before because we sat at a table for 20 minutes,

watching others get, not only their drinks, but their appetizers and salads

 before our server came back with our drinks.

it's crazy, i know.

i've been criticized, questioned, and teased for not drinking alcohol since converting.

i've been labeled "weird" because i choose not to drink because of my faith.

so why not label those who choose not to drink because of the taste?
or those who choose not to drink for the health reasons?

or what about those who choose not to drink because of alcoholism in their family?
and how about people who choose not to drink
because they don't like the way they act when they are drinking?

do we judge these people?

nope.
at least, i don't see that happening.
in fact in many cases it looks the opposite to me.
we often look up to people who choose not to drink for those reasons.
we see them as doing something honorable.

through my eyes, drinking alcohol is a personal choice.

you can chose to either drink it...or not.

it's really that simple.

does it matter why you make your choice?

maybe.

but the only person it should matter to is yourself.

music.

'popular' music, the music on the radio, in my opinion, is designed to distract you...

meaning-- its music that has a catchy beat, 

but if you truly listen to the words 

it's littered with sex, partying, drugs, and all things worldly and material.

its designed to make you feel good,

to make you think about yourself, to want to dance and have fun.

it's designed to make you feel wanted and attractive.

don't get me wrong, 

you can often find me jamming out to some of the 'popular' tunes on the radio.

i will be the first to admit that.

but the music i listen to is a little bit different these days, especially with baby c in the car.

there is nothing like having a little one to change your perspective.

i've turned off a lot of the 'popular' music on radio stations 

and started being much more selective on what i chose to listen to.

we've been listening to more classical music,

more church hymns,

and now, we will get a chance to listen to lullabies. 

there is nothing like baby lullabies to help you slow down

 and help you truly realize the world around you.

i have noticed since this change i am also a happier person when i drive. 

i am less stressed, and much more patient.

i am not, in any way, saying that you shouldn't listen to the music in the radio,
i just know that the music i listen to dramatically changes my mood.
for example, you wouldn't listen to calming lullabies prior to running a marathon...
you'd want music to pump you up and make you excited.

i would challenge you, 

even if you don't have a child in the car, 

to be more selective with your music choice and see how it makes you feel.

if you are feeling anxious or impatient, in the car especially, 

try switching up the tunes you are listening to.

i think you'll be surprised.

i just burned a cd today and will put it in the car this afternoon.

it totally brought me back to my high school days...

you know, when making mixes and decorating cd's was the cool thing to do. 

so be a cool kid, and go burn a cd! 

thursday through my eyes.

{if you are new, read about thursday through my eyes here}

a woman i know was recently talking about how our language has been corrupted.

she was referencing the king james bible and our change in language today.

it was an intense comment, for sure, and definitely made me sit up in my chair.

she mentioned how our youth 'make up words'.
can you say...twerk? yolo?
or maybe you'd rather i speak in abreivs?!
that's totes cray cray fo sho...

the abbreviations drive me nuts.
{although i have to admit i will use one occasionally as a joke}
however, what is more concerning to me is the need for people to swear every.other.word.

i just don't get how people can fit swear words into every.single.sentence.
this is coming from a convert people.
i used to swear. i can admit that much.
AND i can even admit that my lips may utter a specific s*bomb when i get really startled.
old habits die hard, am i right?

it's not that i am offended by swearing...
i just don't understand the need for all of it.
the swear words aren't even being used in the correct context.
it doesn't make sense people.

through my eyes, i am not sure i would go so far as to say our language is corrupt.
but we totes need to clean up our language.
most def.

{see what i did there}

one year ago.

last october the husband and i flew to california for a little vacation.

we flew out thursday evening so that we'd have the whole weekend ahead of us.
we spent friday in hollywood meeting famous people...

famous people made of wax...
and eating yummy food.
{there's always food in vacation posts right?!}

the purpose of our trip?
disneyland.
the problem?
i had just found out that i was pregnant...3 days before leaving.

needless to say, i was researching all the rides i could/couldn't go on,
only to find out that most of the rides recommend not riding them while pregnant.

this was fine with me.
sure, i was sad i couldn't go on most the rides... but a baby was worth it.
and heck, disneyland would still be the happiest place on earth.
there was one more problem though:
my brother and his cute girlfriend were flying in to meet us friday night.
surely they would think it was weird i wasn't going on the rides...
and the husband and i didn't want to tell anyone about our soon-to-be bundle of joy until
i was out of the danger zone {12 weeks}.
i was about 6 weeks at the time.

we didn't really have a choice though.
we had to tell them.
{secretly i was beyond excited to tell them and for someone to share in our joy with us!}


my brother and his girlfriend arrived at the airport, where the husband and i picked them up.
i wasn't going to tell them in the car so the whole car ride was filled with anticipation.
once we arrived at the hotel, the giddy little girl inside couldn't wait and i pulled the classic,
"we have somethiiiiing to tell you..."
only to have my brother say, "let me guess, you're pregnant..."
{he was kidding}
when i responded with "YES!" the look on their faces were priceless!
needless to say, hugs and laughter followed.
it. was. awesome.

the next morning, we woke up bright and early to...rain.

not seattle rain, but california mist.

we were hopeful this would mean shorter lines,

but for some reason everyone else had the same idea and it was packed, per usual.

to top off an already amazing weekend,
you know that restaurant inside pirates of the carribean?! 

the one where it looks like you are outside?

we. got. in.

it was an item on my bucket list for sure,

but i had heard it was impossible to get in.

turns out it isn't in october! 

even though the prices were ridiculous, 

it was a great, one time thing, just to say we had eaten there.

even though i had to play 'photographer' for a lot of the weekend, it was still an amazing trip!
and i got to laugh at the husband for being an awkward 'single rider' on most the rides.
sucker.

{me and my friend conan}

{just the husband and snoop.}

{had to stop at in-n-out while is california}

{disney decorated for halloween, so fun!}

{blue bayou}

{thus husband being a "creepy singleton rider" and my brother and his gf making fun of him}

{i was tricked into this photo, so that i'd get sprayed by woody}

{i love me some disneyland!}

mormons and sunday.

you might notice that i did not post yesterday.

you might notice that i typically don't post on sundays.

this is because...

 sundays are special.

if you ever knew an LDS person growing up, 

you probably remember that they most likely did not 'hang out' on sunday.

they probably didn't go to birthday parties on sunday.

they didn't go out to dinner on sunday.

their parents probably didn't work on sunday.

you thought it was weird right?! maybe slightly annoying?

prior to my baptism, 

sunday's were just another day.

i'd go to the store. maybe go grab a bite to eat with friends...

now, sunday's are different.

we, as christians, take the 10 commandments literally.

one of the ten commandments is "keep the sabbath day holy". 

what exactly does that mean?

to me, it means that you go to church.

you abstain from your 'normal' daily activities.

 you spend time with family. 

you reflect on christ and his teachings.

you read scriptures {which i need to be better at}.

and you reflect on your own personal self.

as church members, we are discouraged from normal weekly activities such as work, shopping, and spending money.

sunday, the sabbath, is the day of rest. 

in the king james bible {see the quote below} 

we learn that it is not only important for us to keep the sabbath day holy, 

but to help others do the same as well. 

thus the no shopping/eating at restaurants/activities that require others to work on sunday.

at first, i'll admit, this was hard for me.

however, now sundays are the day of the week i enjoy the most.

do i sometimes get upset when i realize we've run out of milk  

and wish i could run to the store on sunday morning?

sure. 

but the thing is-- faith and obedience trump a delicious bowl of cereal any day.

From the King James Bible:

Exodus 20:8-11

"Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work:

But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates:

For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it."

{a visit to great grandmother's house last sunday.}

murderer.

i never wanted to do it.

in almost any other situation i wouldn't have...

i had no choice.

i had to kill...

a huge, nasty spider.

normally i would scream and run out of the room in a panic.

trust me when i say, i am not one to kill spiders.

 and it's not because i am one of those, "it's a living thing" save the insects type...

it's because

 {let's be honest}

you and i both know the second i get within 10 feet of one of those 8 legged beasts,

that sucker is going to long jump like an olympic athlete and bite me.

ok. i might have been a little dramatic there.

but seriously, spiders are scary.

and thus i typically hire out a hit-man {aka the husband} to kill them for me to relocate them.
{he got mad at me for saying he kills them. My husband IS one of those, "it's a living thing" types.}

so back to the spider i killed...

the mother's lounge at my church building

{where all the mothers go to feed their children and change diapers}

is no joke, infested with spiders.

 each and every time i have been in that room the past 5 weeks 

there has been a giant spider in the sink.

it's not just me-- other mom's i know have found spiders too.

well, last sunday at church i walked into the mother's lounge, knowing i'd see a spider.

sure enough, on the wall was a hairy little monster.

the only problem, it was right behind the head of a mother... 

who i had never met...

who was breastfeeding her child...
without a nursing cover.

cue a VERY awkward moment.

i slowly removed my shoe--unable to speak
and reached over her shoulder.

now, at this moment i am sure she thought i was a huge creeper, trying to sneak a peak.
i told you... awkward right?!
i swear i was just trying to save her life!

all i could say was "sorry, there's just um, a spider there..."

her response {after the initial side-eye she gave me as i was reaching over her}
"thank goodness you're here then, i can't kill spiders!"

 a girl after my own heart...
need i say, "instant friends"?!

did i mention i need volunteers to come to church with me so that i have someone to scope out the mother's room prior to my entry?!

now, for your viewing pleasure, here's a completely random picture of a lemon.

you're not going to find any spider pictures here.

i'm going to be vanna white!

dirty diapers, burp rags, laundry and sleep deprivation have replaced grade books and lesson plans.

growing up i wanted to be three things:

1) a mom

2) a teacher

and

3) vanna white

i was extremely lucky to have a mom that worked from home growing up. 

the thing is, having that blessing as a child put one thing in my mind:

no matter what-- i was going to be a stay at home mom.

now fast forward to two years ago.

fresh out of my master's in teaching program i was offered my dream job.

first grade teacher.
no kidding guys... i had wanted this job since kindergarten. kindergarten!
i could not have been happier.

when i found out that i was pregnant last year, i was in my second year of teaching.
i had an extremely difficult choice to make.

do i continue to work?
 or do i quit the job i have wanted forever and stay at home?
in the back of my mind i knew the answer.
the more i thought about the topic, the more sure i felt.

i was going to teach.
i was going to stay at home and teach my daughter.
the most important student that i will ever have.
{with the exception of her siblings who are just as important...obviously}

as hard as it was not 'going back to school' this year
{this was the first time since i was 3 years old that i didn't have a 'first day of school'}
i could not be happier with the decision that i made.
andplusalso, i do plan to go back to teaching in the future.
no question about that!

ok, so i can check #1 and #2 off my list of to-do's...

{come on vanna, don't you need a replacement yet?!}

i've learned from the very best!

on being mormon.

picture this:

a room full of people.

everyone is chatting and having a good time.

then someone mentions religion.

specifically Christianity.

its inevitable-- the m-bomb (mormon) is going to be dropped. 

i brace myself for impact.

coincidentally, this is also when i feel like crawling into the corner of the room 

and pretending i am not there.

after being a member of the LDS faith for 5 years now i still get rattled.

i still get nervous when people ask me where i go to church.

am i ashamed of my religion.

not even a little.

i feel like at this point i've been asked just about everything:

questions about the temple.

questions about sundays and why on earth we go to church for 3 hours.

questions about the LDS faith being a 'woman hating' church.

questions about joseph smith.

questions about why we don't believe in 'the trinity'.

i've been asked if i have horns, or if as a convert they take longer to grow...

the list goes on and on.

these questions do not bother me.

what i fear is what people think they know about the church.

and the questions they don't ask.

i fear what's going through their mind when they find out i am mormon because

  i've been that person.

i've been the person who calls members of the LDS church 'crazy'.

i've been the person who made fun of the missionaries.

i've been the person who thought temples were weird, scary places.

while i am proud of who i am and the decisions i have made in my life...

i hate that i am judged the moment i tell people that i am mormon.

i hate the awkward silence after i tell someone what church i go to.

but i love how i feel being a member of the LDS church.

i love how the church has changed my life.

i love who i have become.

i love being mormon.

but if we're being honest, i still get a little nervous too.