news coverage.

i feel like this topic has been talked about a lot... but i just cannot get it off my mind recently.
it seems like these days, more and more, the news that is covered is all negative.
i hardly ever watch the news, or check news webpages because when i do,
all i see are stories about heartache, robberies, car accidents, murders...

i feel like that intent of 'news' was to give information to the public.
to empower us with information about what is going on around us.
that being said,
i don't think that hearing about a couple who decided they wanted to kill someone
for fun
is something that i need to hear about.
{yes, that is the latest news story that i saw last night}

i think that news stories like the one above give power to evil people.
i think that news stories like the one above poison our minds...
they give ideas to others who may choose to do the same thing, or something even worse.
they create a sense of paranoia...at least i know they do for me... and i'm sure i am not alone.

so where is the fine line between reporting news stories to keep people informed,
and reporting news stories for the shock and awe value?

i don't have the answer.
and until there is an answer, i'll stay away from the news.
i guess if something really important happens i will hear about it...
you may think i am crazy, or ignorant, or careless for doing this, and that is ok with me.
i just cannot stand to see another article about another innocent person being murdered.
i.just.cant.

teaching.

the longer i'm away, the more i miss it.

it's worse at night too...

when i can't squeeze chloe and remember why i am at home.

i know that staying home with chloe is an amazing opportunity, 

and such a huge blessing, 

but it doesn't mean that i don't miss teaching.

and trust me when i say, i miss it.

 a lot.

i find myself looking at my old school's website often...

looking at my old co-workers' websites and checking my work email.

doing this only makes me sad.

as you know, teaching is a huge passion of mine.

i loved being a teacher, and to toot my own horn a little, i was good at it.

teaching came naturally to me. 

plus with the amazing mentors i had, things just fell into place.

i miss having my own class of 21+ kiddos.

reading them stories.

watching their eyes light up and seeing their excitement as i taught them.

listening to them process new information.

i even miss the 'work' part of it all...the meetings and conferences.

but i love being home with chloe too.

i love being with her for every milestone.

watching her smile, laugh, and grow.

i wouldn't want to miss out on that for anything.

my plan has been to be a substitute teacher a day or two per week starting in january.

as january quickly approaches, however, so does my anxiety.

i would love, so much, to walk into a classroom and teach again.

but leaving chloe scares me...and i don't know why.

i really am not one of those moms, but this anxiety is killing me.

since chloe was born, i have never been away from her for more than 4 hours.

{and those 4 hours were when she was asleep for the night, not in the middle of the day}

it's not that i am afraid to leave her, 

it's because i have exclusively nursed her since she was born and she eats every 3 hours.

there are some things dad's just can't do. wink wink.

yes, she has taken a bottle a handful of times, but i was home for each one...

and it was more to train her to drink from a bottle in case of emergencies 

since there has been no real need for her to take a bottle with me being home all the time.

i know the husband can take care of baby c just fine. 

he is amazing with her.

i guess the thought of pumping {tmi...sorry}, storing milk, bottle feeding, and working, 

all at the same time, intimidates me. 

i think the only way to get over all this is to dive in head first.

i just question if i'm ready.

he's cheating on me.

it's every woman's nightmare...

to find out that your husband is cheating on you.

a few days ago, i was giving chloe a bath,

as i towel dried her off, i saw something faint on the bathroom mirror.

if you look closely you can see it...

d+c with a big, juicy heart.

immediately my mind raced.

who is 'd' and who is 'c'?

was it the previous tenants of our apartment?

surely that answer is no.

 we have lived in our place over 3 years and i had never seen the markings before.

i then wondered what the letters stood for.

secret code names perhaps?!

no one had showered in our bathroom besides the husband and i... 

i didn't write it, which means it was the husband.

whooooo the heck was my husband writing love notes about?!

of course, i proceeded to yell for the husband to join chloe and i in the bathroom.

"what is this?!" i asked.

the husband answered in a very cheerful voice:

"daddy + chloe of course!"

at that moment... i melted.

if he's going to give his love away to another girl, she's definitely the one to give it to.

lucky baby. 

hypocrite.

a pet peeve of mine is hypocrisy. 

if something really bugs you, ya probably shouldn't do it, right?

that being said, when i cook/bake i am definitely a 'by-the-recipe' gal.

you won't find me in the kitchen without a recipe. 

and let me tell you, or you can ask the husband,

i follow recipes to a 't'. 

the thought of no recipe? 

please excuse me while i shudder a little. 

today i decided to make some good ol' chex mix.

{one of the many kitchen-y items on my bucket list}

now, i have to mention, i make chex mix the right way.

what way is that you ask?

 the way without the extra garbage...i mean...without the pretzels and nuts.

everyone just picks out the cereal part anyway right?

{ok, maybe that's just me}

anywho, i had actually just finished telling the husband i was going to make chex mix

 "the right way"

when it happened...

i must love my salt because i decided to use a tablespoon instead of a teaspoon for all the spices.

whoops.

the irony... not 4 days ago i jumped on the husband 

for using a tablespoon instead of a teaspoon when we were baking chocolate chip cookies.

{as it turns out, he actually was using the right measurement, double whoops}

i had to laugh when i told him i measured the seasonings wrong.

let's just say, he had a good time with that one.

the good news: i saved the day {aka the chex mix}.

{my little helper}

why the 'x'?

i've always been bothered by one thing during the christmas season:

the word x-mas

x-mas trees...

x-mas lights...

x-mas sales...

it's everywhere.

but why must people write x-mas at all?!

i know i shouldn't let it bother me, but for some reason this one really gets under my skin.

the christmas season is all because of the Savior.

the holiday is not called christmas by mistake people...

saying or writing x-mas, in my opinion, is just like writing a big slash through Christ's name.

it just doesn't seem right to me.

do i judge those who say/use x-mas? 

of course not.

but i'll stick to writing the 6 extra letters.

a joyous union of eggs and nogs.

it's day two of december, and as you can see below on my bucket list,
i have officially checked off two items.
score.

and now ladies and gentlemen...

i would like to formally let you all know that not only did i find dairy-free eggnog,

i found two different types of dairy-free eggnog!

...so obviously i had to buy both and do a taste test.

the competitors:

'SO DELICIOUS' Dairy Free Coconut Milk "Nog"

vs

'Silk' Soymilk "Seasonal Nog"

i typically try to steer clear of most soy products, due to health reasons, so i have to say:

 i entered this challenge with a bias.

i tried the coconut 'nog' first hoping it would be the winner.

it was definitely 'noggy'. it had the right taste, and it was just as thick as normal eggnog.

however, i usually water down my eggnog with milk to make it less thick, 

so i tried thinning it with almond milk, but it didn't mix well. yuck.

it also had a super strong after taste. 

if you've ever had coconut milk products before, you know what i mean. 

it leaves a 'thick' aftertaste/feel in your mouth. i am not a fan of that.

next was the soymilk 'seasonal nog'.

for me... it was love at first pour.

it was thinner than the coconut nog, 

and the perfect consistency for a watered-down-normal-nog-lover.

i was just as pleased when i tasted it. it had the perfect balance of the eggnog flavor, 

without being overwhelming and without the yucky aftertaste.

there you have it folks. the soy-nog wins the prize...

and my holiday devotion.

is it sad that these are the things i get excited about these days?!

it's here!

the christmas season is finally here! 

i cannot express how excited i am...

i actually get excited driving around town seeing christmas trees on the tops of cars...

seeing houses with glimmering christmas lights at night...

and looking at all the beautiful decorations people are starting to put up.

it really is the most wonderful time of the year!

and now, since it is the last day in november, 'tis time to reveal the bucket list.

tomorrow starts the official countdown to christmas!!!

i am so excited to start checking these babies off.

did you make your list yet?! 

missionaries.

last week, the husband, chloe and i were on one of our frequent walks 

when i saw a group of people walking ahead of us.

i could tell right away that this group was not on the same type of walk we were on.

in fact, i could tell, almost immediately that this small group of about 5 individuals were missionaries. 

i think nowadays just about everyone has seen an LDS missionary.

they can be spotted a mile away.

pants/suit, white shirt, tie, and the infamous name tag indicating that they are missionaries 

for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

these missionaries were not LDS, and i have no idea what church they belong to,

but it made me think about missionary work in general...

i have a huge amount of respect for anyone, of any religion, who chooses to do missionary work.

especially in this day and age.

to give up your time to spread a message of happiness is a wonderful thing.

i don't think you can make an argument against that.
you may not hold the same beliefs as the individuals carrying out the message,
but the sacrifice and devotion to their faith is admirable.

missionaries, of all faiths, have the door slammed on them daily.
they are yelled at. called idiots.
if someone has a differing opinion, we all have a tendency to disagree, argue, belittle, or ignore.
but its my hope, that all of us can look at these people who are dedicating their time,
with more respect.
whether you agree with their message or not,
you can change their entire day by taking a minute to just say "hi".
you can make a big difference in their life.

there is really no major point to this post, other than to say:
i am extremely grateful for those who chose to do missionary work. 

especially to the young men and women from the LDS church 

who dedicate their time and leave their homes to be "full time missionaries".

{young men serve 2 year missions; young women serve 18 month missions}

thank you, to all the missionaries out there. 

perfection.

 just because these are pretty awesome...

 it's officially one week until thanksgiving!

that also means i've officially been sugar free for 21 days now.

that, my friends, is a true miracle.

{but you can bet i am already planning out my thanksgiving day desserts!}

what are your favorite holiday treats?!

are you with me?

if you didn't know already...i love the holidays.

i love everything about them.

i love the music.

i love the lights.

the food...

the movies.

the family gatherings.

i love it all. 

now, i'm also one of those who likes to celebrate each holiday as its own.

i can't stand how people rush though one holiday to get to the next one.

christmas commercials in october? 

no thank you.

christmas music before thanksgiving?

no thank you.

ok. ok... i lied.

typically i have the "no christmas music until the day after thanksgiving" rule.

then you can hear christmas songs blasting from every speaker i can get my hands on.

this year i am breaking that rule.

thanksgiving isn't until the 28th this year! 

that just didn't give us enough holiday cheer time. 

SO...

christmas music will officially start playing in our home at the end of this week.

{i am so excited!}

all that being said...

i saw a cute idea that i wanted to share with you.

{in hopes that you might share in the fun with me and do it too!}

and although its still 'thanksgiving time' in my mind,

 it takes a little preparation so i wanted to share it with you now.

this year i've made...

a christmas bucket list.

you make a list of 25 things that you want to do during the holiday season,

then, the goal is to do at least one thing on your list per day up until christmas.

a couple things from my list:

"buy a real christmas tree"

"take chloe to go see santa"

"make paper snowflakes"

i cannot wait to share the rest of my list with you, 

and then subsequently, post {with pictures} as i check things off.

i love this idea because i feel like every year i forget something.

after the holidays i'm always saying, "i wish we remembered to do x,y, or z".

not gonna happen this year!

i'm on a mission.

are you with me?!

{i've broken another rule by putting chloe in a christmas onsie already.
i had to though...it was too cute and will be too small in december. sigh.}

baby blessing.

in the LDS church, babies are not baptized.

it is our belief that individuals can be baptized starting at the age of eight.

we see the age of 8 as"the age of accoutability"

which means simply:

an eight year old knows wrong from right.

then can choose to make good and bad choices.

at the age of eight, a child can choose to be baptized.

when a child is born into an LDS family,
rather than being baptized,
they are given a baby blessing.
this blessing is typically given at church
during their first couple months of life.

in the blessing the child is officially given their name
as well as a blessing of health and happiness.
each baby's blessing is unique to the individual child.
for those non-lds folk reading, a blessing is king of like a prayer.
 {i'll write more about blessings in the near future}

i was lucky enough to have many family members attend baby c's blessing.
all of of the husbands immediate family were there
along with some extended family who were able to fly in from out of town.
almost all of my immediate family came too,
which was lucky for me because i didn't ask most of them until the day before.
i was really nervous, and didn't want to pressure them to come,
and I was nervous because many of them had never attended an LDS church service before.

it was such a special day, and to be able to share it with family made it even better.
here are some pictures we took after church:

{two of my 3 older brothers}

{my mom...aka grandma}

{the husbands' dad and grandfather}

{all the girls}

{cousins}

{it's a good thing you cannot tell baby c had spit up EVERYWHERE and was screaming throughout all the pictures}

a place of peace.

i was asked if i might share some pictures of baby c's nursery.

but i want to preface the pictures with some thoughts...

as always.

when i found out i was pregnant, 

it was quite a shock.

after all, just a few weeks prior 

i was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome...

a syndrome that can leave you with many fertility issues.

in my case, i was lucky.

the diagnosis was wrong.

while i do struggle with extremely painful ovarian cysts,

i would not have to worry about the awful 'i' word so many struggle with.

(infertility)

the excitement kicked in and i was beyond overjoyed to plan.

ask anyone that knows me...

i am a list writer.

an organizer.

a planner.

one thing i couldn't wait to get started on was our baby's nursery.

i knew i wanted to go neutral with the bedding and many of the decorations.

i also knew i would add pops of either blue or pink depending on the gender of our child.

when we found out c was a girl, i was pretty shocked.

i had thought that our little one was a boy.

in fact i was pretty sure of it.

jokes on me i guess! 

thrilled to be having a baby girl, i wanted to jump into decorating asap.

the only problem:

chloe's nursery was currently a home office for the husband.

the next few months were as follows:

me: hey dear, lets clean out the middle room so i can start getting ready for the baby! 

the husband: we've got a lot of time, lets just hold off a bit.

you can just repeat the last few lines. 

overandoverandoverandover.

the husband was excited for her arrival, but not all that thrilled to be giving up his office.

of course, in time, we slowly packed things up.

moved his desk to our bedroom

 and cleared out what would soon become baby c's little place of peace.

i am beyond pleased with how it turned out.

you know how projects don't end up how you envisioned, 

probably like 99% of the time?!

well, this one i am happy to say turned out exactly how i wanted.

i guess all that extra time i had while the husband was dragging his feet 

gave me plenty of time to really plan

{and search pinterest}.

i didn't think her room would be super girly,

but the pops of pink i chose 

{the drapes, and scrapbook paper, along with some gifts from family members and friends}

made her room especially girly.

perfect for our little june bug.

{sorry in advance for the crumby pictures. they are from my phone}

 

today i lost it.

i've had a pretty rough day today and i just need to get it all out...

i am writing as i think things over, 

so please forgive the rambling and or randomness of this post.

since day, 1 chloe has been an amazing baby.

i don't have anything to compare her to except stories of other babies,

but i'd say she is a very 'good' baby.

she sleeps pretty well,

she is typically very happy, and she rarely cries

unless she is crying for a reason

{hungry, tired, needs to be changed}.

we've had it pretty easy.

when she is fussy with me, 

i can hand her to the husband and she typically calms down {or vice versa}.

however, things have changed recently.

last friday, chloe had her 4 month check up where she got her vaccinations.

if you know anything about those, you know it can make little ones pretty fussy.

on top of that, we were greeted by daylights savings time,

which has messed up her schedule in the worst possible way.

on top of that, she has already cut two teeth and is still teething.

on top of that, my once happy baby is no longer happy.

she goes from happy and laughing, to wailing-- in a matter of seconds.

to top it all off, for some reason, the past two days when i try to put her to sleep or console her,

she arches her back and wants nothing to do with me.

my patience was wearing thin today...

and then it happened.

she was in another crying episode and i was trying to console her.

i was doing everything i could...feeding her, rocking, singing, pacifier, the works.

all she would do is try to squirm away from me.

i tried putting her down, but the screaming got worse.

i tried and tried. 

i was frustrated. 

she was frustrated.

so i put her down on her play mat and walked away.

i sat in my bedroom, right down the hall from where she was lying, 

and took a few deep breaths...

then i was hit with what felt like a ton of bricks.

i went back, picked her up, and started to cry.

i feel awful for losing my patience.

i feel awful for not being able to make her feel better,

and for not knowing what is wrong with her.

overall, i feel plain awful.

i can't express how grateful i am for a new day tomorrow.

confessions of a convert: fasting.

for those of you reading who are not mormon,

the first sunday of each month the LDS church has what is called 

"fast and testimony meeting".

members of the church are asked to fast, or give up all food and drink, 

for two consecutive meals (typically sunday breakfast and lunch).

then, the money that would have been spent on those two meals 

is donated to the church to help those in need.

while fasting we are asked to be prayerful about something specific in our lives.

we fast to deny ourselves of our physical and temporal needs, 

and to focus on our spiritual selves.

 

on top of fasting, 

at church, members of the congregation are given the opportunity 

to stand up in front of everyone and bear their testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

{a testimony is something that you personally know to be true.}

fast sundays, as we call them, have been quite different for me that past 13 months.

the thing is-- you are not supposed to fast while pregnant or nursing.

now here's the confession: i was not upset about this.

fasting is hard for me. i am not going to lie.

i am usually cranky 

and i get pretty bad headaches when i don't eat for long periods.

plus, i love food.

 

that being said, i realized this week how important fasting is.

my testimony of fasting was strengthened.

while i couldn't give up food for two meals, i gave up something else:

social media.

i know, i know. lame right?

 i wanted to give up something that i used constantly 

and the thing is, the past few months i feel like i have been glued to my phone...

checking in on facebook and instagram constantly. 

all things considered, 

i figured i could 'fast' from something i used a lot in lieu of giving up food and drink.

so... i gave up all forms of social media for the day.

i was suprised to find myself in a better mood.

more clear headed.

more present.

i spent more time singing and playing with chloe.

i spent more time talking with my family.

how sad is it that it took me giving up social media completely 

to realize how much i am on it?!

 

i realized yesterday, 

that no matter how you fast, 

we are asked to do so for a reason.

and that reason is different for everyone.

for me, it was to show me what's really important.

...and that the world doesn't end when you ditch facebook for the day.

plus-- this is the view i got, instead of my phone screen:

{don't you wanna just pinch those cheeks?!}

day 2.

due to the copious amounts of sugar i have consumed in the past few weeks,

i decided it needs to stop...

i have decided to cut out "sweets" from my diet.

to go cold turkey...

until turkey day that is!

today is day 2.

this new challenge of mine means...

no desserts

no candy 

no treats

{i guess it's a good thing we didn't go trick-or-treating after all}

no, i am not cutting out all sugar.

i will still eat fruit, and maybe occasionally drink a glass of juice.

my one 'treat' that i am definitely not giving up {yet}:

diet coke.

while i am not going to drink it all the time

{i only occasionally drink it right now}

i feel that keeping a zero calorie, zero sugar, beverage on the menu is just fine by me.

so who's with me?

only 26 days to go until thanksgiving!

___________________________________________________________________________

now for those of you who think i am crazy, 

here is a dairy free cookie that is

to.die.for.

they taste like mini brownies.

try adding a little peppermint extract for holiday zest! 

chocolate crinkle cookies:

(from allrecipes.com)

ingredients:

1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

2 cups white sugar

1.2 cup veggie oil

4 eggs

2 tsp vanilla extract

2 cups flour

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 cup confectioners sugar

Directions:

1. in a medium bowl, mix together cocoa, white sugar, and oil. beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in the vanilla. combine the flour, baking powder, and salt; stir in cocoa mixture. cover dough, and chill for at least 4 hours.

2) preheat oven to 350 degrees F. line cookie sheet with parchment paper. roll dough into one inch balls. coat each ball in confectioners sugar before placing on prepared cookie sheet.

3) bake in preheated oven for 10-12 minutes. let stand on cookie sheet for a minute before transferring to wire racks to cool.

4) eat. eat. eat.

my added two cents: 

*if you don't have 4 hours to let the dough chill, throw it in the freezer for about 25-30 minutes.
*keep dough cool. if it warms up, its terribly hard to work with.

*wet your hands before making dough balls. the dough is very sticky.

*make sure to use enough powdered sugar to get the crinkle effect.

*who has parchment paper lying around? not me, just spray the cookie sheet with pam.

my little mouse.

halloween this year was very low key for us.

i'd say it was pretty much a typical day...

until 5pm when we dressed up our little mouse

 and brought her "trick-or-treating" to a couple houses.

aka we wanted to show her off to her great-grandparents and some friends.

no real trick-or-treating for us this year...

but you can bet i am already planning our costumes for next year.

chloe made the cutest little mouse.

now...happy thanksgiving time!!!

thursday through {the husbands} eyes.

...or through his lens rather.

the husband put this video together yesterday.

only he could take a simple walk,

and turn it into something so fun...

Mamma 'n Me from Brett Smith on Vimeo.

BH.

i read a blog post yesterday that really spoke to me.

the post was all about post-partum body image, and an alter ego named 'body hater' 

aka 'BH'.

i don't have much to say or add,

other than the fact that if you are a woman who is pregnant, 

a woman who already has a child, 

or a woman who ever wants children in the future,

i suggest you book mark the post for when you might need the reminder.

there is no denying the fact that pregnancy changes your body,

but what i love about the blog post is that it brings out the truth:

pregnancy is suppose to change your body!

your body changes for a reason:

"My body is being molded into a different shape 
so that I can be the best possible caretaker for this child."

today,

 as i get dressed,

i will look in the mirror at the 'tiger stripes' that cover my stomach,

slip into my bigger-than-pre-baby jeans,

avoid stepping on the scale,

and tell BH to get lost.

because being a mom is worth it.

and...

{in the words of 'sweet brown'}

"aint nobody got time for that."

link to the post i refer to: A Post It-Size Post About Postpartum

pre-halloween.

every year, before halloween, our church has a party.

we call it 'trunk-or-treat' because after a traditional chili and cornbread dinner,

and the little ones parading across the stage in costume,

the kiddies take their pumpkin buckets outside to the parking lot and go car to car 

{or trunk to trunk}

trick-or-treating.

it's always a big hit,

and why shouldn't it be...

after all, it's like halloween on steroids for the kids.

they have to walk all of 2 feet to the next trunk...

and their bags are filled with gobs of candy in about 5 minutes flat.

i'd say that sure beats walking for a couple hours to fill up a bag.

or maybe it's not better...

i'll let you decide.

every once in a while, our family decides to dress in themes.

this year was no exception.

although...it took my sister-in-law and i some coercing to get the husband 

and father-in-law to wear this years choice in costume.

why you ask?

we decided to be rats.

the adult 'costumes' included a gray shirt, 

which i added the acronym: R.O.U.S. to...

funny right?!

well...only if you have seen 'the princess bride' it is.

and if you haven't seen the movie:

1) stop reading and go watch it now.

2) the acronym stands for "rodents of unusual size".

{see, a group of adults dressed as ROUS'...funny, i know.}

please note: clearly my sister-in-law and i wouldn't make good politicians because 

as you can see from the pictures below...

my father-in-law wouldn't be photographed in the costume 

and my nephew refused to wear it all together.

c'est la vie...

at least the baby girls look a.d.o.r.a.b.l.e.

oh-- and you can bet there will be more baby-rat pictures to come after halloween.

...preferably ones that are not passed a specific little rat's bedtime.

...ones where she actually looks happy.

... and ones that aren't so grainy 

due to taking pictures of pictures 

because a certain larger rat forgot their camera.

4 months.

time is so weird.

tomorrow chloe will be 4 months old.

to all of you, that probably doesn't seem that long.

to me, 4 months seems like an eternity...

it seems like another lifetime ago that we were in the hospital with her for the first time.

at the same time--it seems like time has escaped me.

i cannot believe it has already been 4 months! 

how is that even possible?!

stay tuned for a halloweeny post on monday.

baby c makes the cutest...

well, you'll just have to wait and see.

my one true love.

being a new mom comes with many changes.

we have all heard the usual:

"you'll never sleep again"

we prepare ourselves for changing diapers...

spit up...

crying.
we get excited for the snuggles and the smiles.
and let's not forget the giggles...

but what i wasn't prepared for was having to give up my one true love.

milk.
ok, i realize that was a bit dramatic...
and maybe milk isn't my one true love, but let's just say:
i.love.me.some.milk!

i had no idea, prior to having a baby, that i might have to change my diet due to nursing.
fortunately, most women don't have to change their diet at all.
unfortunately, i happen to be unlucky and did not fall into that 'most' category.
it's a good thing i don't live in district 12, because the odds are not in my favor...
{yes, i did just reference the hunger games}

no milk means:
no milk {duh}, no cheese, no butter, no chocolate {you can eat specialty dark chocolate},
and no anything that contains any of the previous mentioned items.

most people would probably have used this to their advantage and decided,
"hey, i'll just make healthier options now and eat better...aka no pizza, desserts, etc"
but what do i do?
i research every dessert that doesn't need dairy,
find all the substitutes to dairy that i can use,
and make/eat every dessert i possibly can...
especially my new favorite chocolate chip cookies.
which i've made 3 times already.
{have i mentioned i have a sweet tooth?!}

now i'm off to make a dairy free chocolate cake.
...and i wonder why 'i just can't loose that extra baby weight!'
ugh.

i'm a salmon.

last weekend i had the opportunity to go to a local salmon hatchery.

i know... it sounds really exciting {note my sarcasm}.

the thing is...

it was actually very cool.

when you first arrive, you walk over a small bridge where you can see countless salmon.

these salmon are returning to where they were born.

 after a lifetime of making their way to the icy oceans

 {from this exact hatchery} 

and growing into mature fish,

these salmon return to their birthplace, to reproduce, which will end their life cycle.

 the hundreds of salmon we watched from the bridge were attempting to jump upstream 

passed a man-made fish barrier.

after repeated jumps, these salmon try the alternative underwater flow 

which leads to the fish ladders and ultimately, holding ponds.

the ladders at the hatchery are surrounded by glass walls.

this is to allow observers to watch as the fish use every last ounce of energy they have

 to make it to the holding ponds.

many of the fish die in this process, if not before.

many of the fish in the ladders are clearly bruised, beaten, and sickly.

so, i know you are now wondering why the heck i am writing about salmon.
i promise there is a correlation.

the thing is, after watching these salmon try to make their way back home,
i realized something strange...

we, as christians, are just like the salmon in a sense.
weird analogy, i know, but hear me out...

in the LDS church, we believe that we came to earth from a pre-mortal existence.
we lived with our father in heaven and chose to come to earth.
we are blessed with a body at birth
and are given free agency to make our own choices as we learn and grow.

just like the salmon who leave the hatchery to mature and grow,
and then do everything in their power to return to the hatchery...
we come to earth in order to gain experiences,
 to make choices {hopefully good ones},
to learn,
to develop and to progress into the best people we can,
all so that we can return to heaven again.

so, what are we, 

if not like the salmon...

spending our entire lives trying to build ourselves up.

trying to reach a 'higher ground' {or ladders in the salmon's case...}

trying to be better people.
trying to get home.

{my cute family on the bridge} 

{my sister-in-law and niece looking over the bridge at the salmon} 

{niece and nephew} 

{salmon watching}

{my beautiful niece} 

{grandpa loves his grandkids!}

{i spy a salmon!}

{baby c obviously had a great time too!}

the house that built me.

i was flipping through old photos yesterday.

some made me laugh, a lot made me smile, 

some made me reminisce on years that seem very long ago...

but the one photo that stood out the most to me wasn't a picture of me, or family...

the picture that stood out the most was a picture of the house i grew up in.

when i say grew up in, i mean it literally.

we moved into that house

{after my parents built it from the ground up}

 when i was just 3 years old.

i moved out when i was 18-- 

i went off to college,

and due to their divorce, 

my parents sold the only house i had ever known...

the house that has my handprints in the cement on the garage floor.

the house that i learned to ride a bike in front of...

the house that i had my first real kiss with the husband in front of.

 i am fairly certain i could tell you exactly how many stairs are in each of the staircases.

i could probably walk through the entire house blindfolded and not get hurt.

looking at this single picture brings back a flood of so many memories.

happy memories.

sad memories.

great memories.

memories that have lead me to who i am today.

my first few years in college were rough years for me.

looking back on them, i realize that i struggled with depression worse than i care to admit.

all the changes i was going through definitely attributed to the depression

i know that having to give up the only home i ever knew did too.

have you ever heard the miranda lambert song, "the house that built me"?

she puts into words exactly how i felt:

{"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it 

this brokenness inside me might start healing. 

Out here its like I'm someone else, 

I thought that maybe I could find myself. 

If I could just come in I swear I'll leave. 

Won't take nothing but a memory from the house that built me."}

even though the depression is gone now, and i'm married with a daughter...

i'd be lying if i said i wouldn't want to go back inside.