headaches.

so to start things off i just have to give some background info...

my whole life i have gotten headaches. i have been poked and prodded by doctors but none of them can tell me what is causing them.

these headaches are not just every once in a while, they are about 4-5 times per week, sometimes more...and recently have turned into mostly migraines. {whereas i used to get migraines, but only rarely}.

my headaches are now offset by everything.

working out.

watching tv.

studying.

doing anything really.

and let me tell you that feeling nauseous, along with being sensitive to light, along with feeling even worse if you move or talk is not fun... at all!

because they have been getting worse than ever i have considered going back in to the doctors to see if, yet again, they can try to find the cure.

well, the past week i started seeing stars every once in a while and now i know i need to go to the doctor, because that is BAD. i will be sitting, minding my own business, and little stars appear and disappear in an instant in my eyes.

{i promise this is going to relate to church, so just keep reading}.

last night the husband and i were sitting in our office talking about randomness when the little stars appeared and in my head i heard myself say, "you need to go to the doctors", only it wasn't me talking...it was the spirit talking to me through myself {if that makes any sense}.

i stopped talking awkwardly, and the husband asked what was going on.

i was embarrassed for some reason to say anything, but the moment i started telling him what had just happened i started crying, and hid my face in my hands.

without another word, he asked my if i wanted a blessing.

{in the LDS church we believe that men who hold the priesthood can give a special prayer, also called a blessing, by the laying on of hands and by inspiration, to one who is sick or otherwise in need of special counsel, comfort, or healing {just as Jesus Christ and his Apostles did in their time}.

i agreed and he gave me a blessing.

i was so comforted by his words, and the love that i felt not only from him, but also from our loving Father in Heaven that my tears stopped and i was comforted and able to relax.

i am so grateful to have a husband who holds the priesthood and for the power of blessings in my life.

i don't know what i would have done without the husband last night.

and i am calling the doctor right now.

i will keep you all posted.

primary songs and kids to come.

{reflecting on gina's comment about "thinking about the future for comfort" from this post}

i was driving to my mom's house just yesterday and the husband and i were listening to the Children's Songbook CD Collection...this one:

{for those of you who are not LDS it is a compilation of TONS of songs that are sung at church by the children in sunday school}

i put in the discs as a little bit of a joke because i wanted to prove to the husband that i knew all the books of the new testament in order... {there are songs to help you memorize things like that}. after accomplishing my goal of surprising him with my raw singing talent {not!}, we started listening to other primary songs that he remembers from when he was younger.

some of them are good, some are a little irritating, but all in all they are sweet. and let's face it, kids love to sing!

well, all of a sudden a song came on and it was a family singing "when there's love at home". it immediately made me think to the future...a flash of the husband and i, and our little children singing popped into my head. i was overwhelmed with the spirit.

its funny how one second you can be laughing and making fun of a silly song, the next you can be watery-eyed and emotional.

i cannot believe that one day the husband and i will have children {God willing} and they will be singing primary songs. they will go to church. they will be baptized.

it is all surreal.

so thank you gina for helping me to think about the future and the joy that it will bring. it does help, and it makes it all worth it!

"i'm a convert, not a convert-er!"

since being baptized into the LDS church i have really only focused on myself. what i mean by that is that i have been busy growing my own testimony and learning more about the gospel and the church to help me grow.

i cannot count, or even remember, the number of times i have been asked if my family is interested, or been told i should talk to my mom, my brothers, my dad, step mom, step siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents...my cousins...my dog.....{just kidding, i don't even have a dog}...about the church.

i have to admit, it made me frustrated having so many people pressure me about my family, and hearing them say "they'll be members some day". i would think to myself:

'what do i care if they are members?! i was just baptized...let me figure myself out!'

well... everything's changed.

last sunday my husband and i watched a movie: "Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration". i had seen the movie just twice before sunday, both times i was very emotional, and both times included a LOT of crying {even the first time i saw the movie which was before i was a member of the church}.

this time we watched it, it was much different.

the entire movie i could not stop crying. i cried harder than i have even cried when watching a movie in my entire life.

as i watched i couldn't believe that i was a part of what i was watching... that everything Joseph Smith did, everything he went though {losing friends, children, being tarred and feathered, being killed for what he believed} has become a part of my life and has made it possible for me to be where i am today.

and then i started crying even harder. i wished so badly, for the first time, that my family would know what i know. that they could share with me in the great happiness that i feel because of my membership in the LDS church. i wish their hearts would be softened and they could feel what i do, that they could just... understand.

i want so badly to sit by my mom at church on sundays. i want my family there with me. i want to go to the temple with them... to be sealed to each one of them.

i am filled with so many emotions.

love...

sadness...

faith...

hope...

anxiety...

pressure...

but mostly gratitude... for those members of the church who came before me. who showed me the way, and led those to come in the greatest way possible- by example.

i hope i can be that light for someone else. i hope i can be more like they were.

prescription filled!

yesterday was eventful. to say the least.

like this post mentioned, i have been having a little trouble with being excited about going to church. it's been frustrating because i know i love church... but i have just wondered why its been hard to go lately.

i said i needed to figure out the answer...

i said i would inform you when i found the answer. i found it yesterday.

my husband and i have not been to the temple since we were married...{which was one of the best/most amazing spiritual experiences of my life}. we finally went back yesterday.

both a little nervous because we were on our own {without having an 'escort' or family that knew what they were doing and had experience being at the temple} we went anyway.

the second we walked in the temple i was overcome with happiness. the temple is an amazing place. it is hard to miss feeling the holy spirit there... i was overcome with emotions and fought back tears multiple times during the temple session we went to.

once we were done we got lunch and went home.

all day i had been having pains in my stomach that started the night before. i figured they would get better but as the pain escalated and shooting pains started in my lower abdomen i was convinced to get a hold of the doctor on call.

before i even explained everything that was going on she quickly advised me that i needed to go to the emergency room as soon as i could.

reluctant, i went. {with my wonderful sister-in-law, as my husband was unable to come with me}.

2 hours later, at about 11:00pm, after being tested in every single way they could... and feeling a little 'medically molested' as my sister-in-law and i named it {i am extremely shy when it comes to going to the doctor} they informed me that i had an ovarian cyst that had ruptured which was causing internal bleeding.

the bleeding was causing severe pain but unfortunately all you can do is take advil for the internal swelling, medicine for the pain and wait it out.

i am in the waiting period right now.

now you must be wondering how any of this relates to me being happy about going to church.

well...when i got home i was lying with my husband in bed and i was in the best mood i have been in in a long time.

i was thinking about the temple.

the temple is such a blessing. it puts into perspective the important aspects of life and brings the spirit so close to your heart.

i could have been wallowing in my sorrows of pain, but rather the spirit was comforting me and i was happy. PLUS i was overcome with an excitement for going to church in the morning.

i know, without a shadow of a doubt that my feelings were caused by my husband and i going to the temple and the blessing that going to the temple brings into your home.

i am so grateful to be able to live so close to a temple. i am grateful to be able to go to the temple.

i am grateful for the temple and the happiness it brings into my life.

it wont be long before i go back again.

being tested...

something has been happening the past few days.

an unusual amount of people around me have not only been bringing up the LDS church, but putting me on the spot.

monday: i was literally called out by my teacher..."who's the mormon in here?" then i was asked endless questions about random 'mormon' things, including how my parents feel about me joining the church. after answering that they are supportive of me being happy {over actually being happy i am mormon} my teacher responded that they are 'weird'. hmmm...

tuesday: another teacher started listing off churches too see who was from what faith. the third church he asked was LDS...i raised my hand...and unlike him moving on to the next on the list of faiths, he stopped and asked a list of questions as well...very similar questions to the ones i was asked the previous day. {others in my class laughed because of how weird it was that this interrogation happened just yesterday as well...i think they felt bad for me}. interestingly, my teacher said that 2 generations back his family was all LDS but they were excomm

unicated from the church because they refused to end their polygamous way, and actually housed polygamous families in their basement when the church {and state} ended the practice and it became illegal.

today: a workout class that i attend regularly has a very outgoing teacher. today randomly she brought up that her best friend when she was growing up was mormon {and she had 15 siblings}...then she TOO asked if anyone in the class was. she, luckily, had no interrogation for me {i think she was just curious}.

from all of this one thing is clear to me.

i am being tested.

heavenly father knows about this post, and he knows that i need to get my confidence levels up.

i will admit this trial has been hard, and kinda scary...but it is an answer to my prayers. i needed help with being able, and comfortable, talking to people about who i am...and this is his way of helping me... literally giving me practice.

be careful what you pray for... he's listening :]

comfort.

there is comfort found in prayer.

today i found out some news that rattled the ground i walk on. it made it hard to concentrate...especially when i felt as though my emotions were schizophrenic...crying one second, laughing the next, angry with frustration at other moments....it was exhausting.

however, amidst the range of emotions and sadness i was able to bow my head and pray. there is definitely a power, and a difference when you are praying with an open and or broken heart.

day to day prayers are important...however when you say a prayer, as i said one today, tears racing each other down my face, {it seemed to me} it would be impossible to not feel love and know that you are being watched over and truly TRULY listened to...

i am grateful i can pray to heavenly father and for the comfort it provides in times of happiness, sadness, strength and weakness...

i am grateful for prayer.