confusion to confidence.

so...its been way too long. and i do apologize about that, but here i go again...

like i said, i did not have the confidence to tell anyone that i was going to be baptized. i was nervous and pretty uneasy about my decision. it was not until about a week or two later that i had an experience, too personal to share via internet, that changed my perspective about baptism completely. i was no longer scared to tell anyone about my decision to be baptized. i even felt ready to tell my mom the news.

i told her that day, after prayers for comfort and continued confidence...she responded in a matter that i could have never imagined...with love, compassion, and so much support that i was overwhelmed. i even explained to her that i was going to wait until after our trip for my 21st birthday and she said, "honey, this is really important to you...why wait?!"....my heart literally skipped a beat. i could not be more happy that my mom was being so supportive...especially knowing that she is in no means the number one fan of the LDS church.

i called the missionaries and changed my baptism date to april 19, 2008...about a month in the future...(interesting: there is something special about this date...i found out later, after i was baptized in fact, that one of the missionaries had an experience leading him to believe that april 19th would be the day i was baptized...but that is a whole different story i can share at another time)

my attitude had completely changed and i was ready for the month to come...

one giant step for...me.

so i was meeting with the missionaries twice a week. once with my mom and once by myself... i liked talking with them and looked forward to learning about the church...

the missionaries have a set of five lessons that help guide them in teaching fundamentals about the church...if an investigator is struggling to grasp a concept, or doesnt agree, or has reservations they will continue to teach that person more about the topic until that individual is ready to move on...

meeting with the missionaries twice a week meant i flew through the lessons...but i was still not ready to take the giant step and be baptized. i had no confidence to help me make that decision and so i kept meeting with the missionaries, only now it was just once a week and without my mom.

those poor missionaries. they had to come up with so many games and things to teach me that it was probably a nightmare for them. but they kept coming back and coming back and coming back.

they finally, and i will say it was very bold, asked me if i would just pick a date to be baptized. nervous, i agreed....BUT i said it had to be after my 21st birthday which was 3 months away.

i had a trip planned to go to vegas with my mom for my birthday...i didnt want to have any regrets about going there and not being able to drink...and i thought that it would hurt my moms feelings a lot if i didnt drink on our trip for my 21st birthday!

it was planned that i would be baptized the second week in june 2008(...after my birthday, after my trip.) i was really nervous, and not at all confident with that decision...but it was set, and i figured i could always change the date or cancel it...

because i was so uneasy, i decided that i was not going to tell anyone...

at least not yet.

missionaries...

so...to be honest... after going to church for 3 months... i knew how the church made me feel. the missionary discussions were a way for me to learn the fundamentals that i needed to know. i wanted my mom there with me because, and i know now, that deep down inside of me i knew i was going to be baptized someday and i really wanted her to know about the church first hand...not from rumors or speculation.

my mom agreed to talk with the missionaries with me. i was really happy she was coming, and really nervous all at the same time. we set up an appointment to meet them at the church building so that my mom could get a "church tour"...basically to show that it is just a normal church building...missionaries often meet at an LDS building for the first discussion to show the "investigator" around the building and get them acclimated.

when we got to the building i was really nervous for my mom to be there...if you could have felt how i did, it was as if i was a member of the church already and i just wanted my mom to feel comfortable and welcome...i can only imagine how nervous the missionaries were.

after looking around the building we went into one of the classrooms and the missionaries taught the first lesson about faith and prayer...

i did not have a great experience once the lesson started. the missionaries seemed to be more focused on my mom than they were on me....not meaning to be selfish, but i wanted them to focus on me, and my interest in the church rather than try to spend all their attention with my mom, who was really just there because i asked her to come with me...

they asked HER to say a prayer, asked HER if she had questions and kept pushing HER to try new things church related...not only did i feel bad she was being pressured, but i knew she was feeling uncomfortable...

unfortunately in the weeks that followed (the missionaries try to meet with investigators once a week) the discussions were all very similar to the first one, with attention toward my mom and not focused on the person, me, who wanted to learn about the church!

i decided, along with my boyfriend who also sat in on our discussions, that i needed to not only meet with the missionaries with my mom, but on my own as well.

a little catch up... and more.

so i forgot to mention...after two years living the sorority life i dropped out of the whole greek thing and moved into an apartment. this made life so much more simple and less stressful. not to mention i could do what i wanted to do without the nagging voice of 30 girls telling me what i "should" be doing (in their opinion)...

( i was living in my apartment for about 2 months before i went to church for the first time. )

now back to where i left off....

anyone who knows anything about the LDS church knows that there is a very strong missionary force... anyone who goes to the LDS church for the first time, or has questions about the church, or is new to anything..well... mormon, is usually introduced to the missionaries within, oh...30 seconds of entering the building. they are there to teach and inform "investigators" (those who are interested or "investigating" the church)...

...i however managed to go to church for about 2 months before i began to talk with the missionaries...i am guessing that since my attendance at church was so regular, they most likely assumed that i was already a member.

after going to church for that long, it was actually myself who decided that i wanted to meet with the missionaries. my boyfriend and i have a very honest relationship so i asked him any questions that i had, but i had the desire to meet with the missionaries because i felt like they could teach me and answer my questions better than anyone.

...i made the plan that i was going to start the missionary discussions (lessons that are taught by missionaries to further someones knowledge about the church) after the new year started in January....

i also decided that i wanted my mom to take the discussions with me... so that she would know the basics about the church...just in case.

going to church...

from my personal journal: december 3, 2007... here is part of the entry:

" ...OH, i went to church with [my boyfriend] 2x. i really like it. i am still searching for guidance but i feel like i am headed down the right path. i feel like i am somewhat happier already. if that is not a good sign, i dont know what is..."

its funny when you go back and read old journal entries. they truly do preserve emotions and capture moments in time that we wouldnt necessarily remember otherwise. i remember the first time that i went to church with my boyfriend...it was the thanksgiving of 2007.

i really enjoyed my experience going with him and his family. i found out for myself that the LDS (mormon) church is normal as normal can be. the people are just about the friendliest people i have ever met (i am pretty sure over 1/2 the congregation came and introduced themselves to me) and the overall feel of everything was wonderful. i left wanting to come back the next week for more...a feeling i didnt really think was possible coming from something i had to wake up before noon for...

i still wasnt convinced that the LDS church was the right one for me, but as my journal entry said, after going back for the second time i felt like i was definitely headed down the right path.

update

new post to come tomorrow....sorry for the delay. its been a weird couple of days.

the book of mormon...

i had realized pretty quickly that going to church would fill a large void in my life... i have always had a strong belief and faith in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father, even though i stopped going to church when i was young due to a very busy schedule...

having the feeling i should go to church started a whole new dilemma...what church should i go to?! i refused to go to the church i grew up at because they made the "new age" switch to wireless microphones and drum/guitar solos...in my opinion, the glitz and glam is not what church is all about...

one night at the sorority i was thinking about different churches. my boyfriend is LDS (mormon) so i decided to start looking up stuff about the LDS church online. i had heard some REALLY weird stuff about the church so i wanted to see if it was true... what happened was not, not, NOT good. i found what i was looking for: gross, disturbing websites about the LDS church that made me literally sick.

i started to bawl thinking about how much i loved my boyfriend but i knew i could never ever in a million years submit myself to what these websites said...right at about the peak of my crying my phone started to ring and it was him. of course he asked what was wrong and i felt even more sick to my stomach having to tell him the truth...that i looked up his church and i was disturbed by it.

what he told me then is very important... and i really want everyone reading this to know what i am about to say...the internet sucks. no, but seriously... he had me tell him everything that i was upset about and he explained the TRUTH. the internet is full of awful rumors and lies...100% of the awful things that i had read on the internet were untrue.

i hate to say it...but i had a really hard time believing everything he said...why would someone make something so awful up out of thin air?!

still crying uncontrollably when i got off the phone with him i tried to lay in bed and go to sleep...my phone rang again. my boyfriend was outside my sorority and told me to come to the door. i ran down the stairs and opened the door where he stood with the book of mormon in his hands. he told me to try reading some of it if i wanted...handed me the book and with a hug he left.

i wasnt going to read any of it...but i went back up to my room and opened the book there was a message inside that he had written for me...he assured me that is was ok if i didnt believe what i read in the book and if i didnt, i could just check the church off my list of potential churches to go to and move on.

that night i read until 3:30a.m... i couldn't put it down.

remembering how things used to be...

it is really hard for me to remember exactly how everything use to be... i do know that after the excitement of starting college and moving into the sorority wore off things in my life began changing...but definitely not for the better.

i started getting tired of going out to the frats all the time and the girls in my sorority began to criticize me and complain that i was never at the sorority anymore... when i did go out to parties with everyone it was almost as if i had to make up for what i had missed...i wanted to be fun and make the girls like me and want to hang out with me.

i started going home on the weekends and spending less and less time at the sorority, completely isolating myself from the others... it did not help that, on top of the criticism from my new friends, i was dealing with a lot of other stresses in my life...my parents had just gotten a divorce before i left for college, the house i had lived in my entire life was up for sale, my dad was getting re-married, and to top it off...the love of my life, patches my cat, got a stomach illness and had to be put down. needless to say things were not really going in my favor...

i was in a downward spiral mixed up of sadness about my past and present, depression from losing most of what i had known my whole life (house, parents, pets) and the pressure of trying to fit in that i reached the ultimate low.

i had the feeling in my gut that something had to change... that something was missing... and that something needed to be done quickly, or else it felt like i was headed for disaster...

an unlikely candidate...

i have to remind you i never thought i would be writing about this...this seems like an unlikely tale, especially when you rewind my life and look at who i used to be starting 3 years ago when i first started college...

i graduated high school and could not wait for college to start. before classes began i went through rush and joined a sorority notorious for "drinking like the boys do". sure enough this stereotype was not a myth.

a week after moving into the house the upperclassmen took the new freshmen out to the frats to show us off. i watched girls around me putting bottles of vodka and other alcohol up to their mouths and literally chugging them until they were sick. 2 weeks into this new lifestyle it was all normal to me...i was just a typical sorority girl living the greek life... my life was going great and i was living it up!

...at the time i would not have changed my life for anything...in fact if you would have tried to convince me that in the near future i would be talking with mormon missionaries regularly and reading the bible AND the book of mormon...

...guaranteed i would have had a laugh.

introductions....

only 2 years ago i was the typical college girl. living in a sorority, frat parties twice a week, going to spring break in mexico, and living life to "the fullest".

i would never, in a million years have thought that just 2 years later there would be no more parties, no more drinking, and no more "greek life"... but rather these things would be replaced with a new outlook on life plus going to church every sunday and actually enjoying it.

a little over a year ago i was baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints...you may be more familiar with another name...the mormon church.

today i am just the average person you see walking down the street.

no one would be able to pick me out of a crowd and say "hey she's mormon".

i am just a normal girl who made a decision that has and will change my life...forever.

this is my story.