doubts.

here's another formspring question and answer....

did you have doubts right before converting? have you had doubts since?

i have answered the first bit of this one before...

in "the letter"

"i had lost the confidence i had in my decision to be baptized and was so nervous i didn't think i would make it through the night. before i left my boyfriends house that evening he stopped me and said that he had forgotten to give me something...it was a letter from one of the missionaries father..."

{http://throughtheeyesofamormon.blogspot.com/2010/01/letter.html}

it's funny how the spirit and the adversary work...

i had all the confidence in the world with my choice to be baptized...

but the night before my baptism the adversary tried to knock me down as hard as he could.

i am grateful for the love and support that i had and still have, or else my choice would have been much harder.

my baptism would still have happened, but it would have been much more difficult to get into that water.

as for today, and doubts that may have arisen...they haven't.

yes living a "mormon lifestyle" isn't always the easiest...

we live in a day and age where promiscuity and drinking is almost expected.
that is not me, nor will it ever be, but i am ridiculed for not being like everyone else.

does it make it harder to find true friends?

 yes.

does it give me doubts about my choice?

never. 

i know that my choice was the right one to make.

i know that i am where i need to be.

today.

since 5:30am, i have cried A LOT.

i wish i could say that it was because i was rehearsing my talk, but i didn't even give my talk today.

yes, you read that right, i did not give my talk, in fact i didn't even go to church.

a few days ago i developed a cold, and in the past 2 days an awful cough had been added to it. this morning {i consider it last night since it was so early} i woke up because my throat was on fire. i couldn't swallow or breathe because it hurt so badly.

the husband woke up with me and consoled me, because i was crying due to the pain...he helped me spray that throat spray to help ease the pain, and rubbed my back to help me fall back asleep.

he woke up around 6:50am to get ready for a meeting he has each week before church. the leaders of our ward meet at 8:00am to go over logistics of the week etc.

at the meeting, the bishop and his counselors asked if we were excited and ready for our talks and the husband said that i wasn't really feeling well but we were ready.

the husband called me and said they were concerned and didn't want me to speak if i wasn't feeling well...i knew in my head that i shouldn't speak today {i couldn't even get a full sentence out, my voice was so gone}, but i insisted.

i had to speak the same day as the husband. i had to be there to support him. and my mom and grandma were coming! {remember} i just had to give my talk today.

i got a text about 10 minutes later from the husband, as i was getting out of the shower saying that they didn't feel like i should talk and they would re-schedule me.

i melted... i burst into tears knowing that i would miss the husbands talk and realizing how sick i felt and how much my throat hurt.

of course i had to call my mom, and the second she answered i started crying even harder. {crying does not help a sore throat at all, let me tell you}

i struggled to get any words out as i told her what was going on.

crying still, i got back into bed depressed, miserable, and very upset.

now i am awake, waiting for the husband to walk in the door from church and knowing that i will cry the second i see him.

this sucks.

i feel like i cannot handle anything else happening to me right now. you already know about all the migraines, plus in the past week i have been dealing with a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst that is causing a lot of pain, now this sickness {the husband and i think it is probably strep because of those infamous little white spots on the back of my throat} and...sorry if there are any guys reading this... but i am 90% sure i am going to get the 'p' soon because i am getting cramps {although this may be due to coughing so hard that i am getting an ab workout...a possible benefit?! not really}.

i am sorry to those of you who wanted to read my talk today...i wish with all my heart that i was able to give my talk and post it today, but i promise i will post it after i give it, if i ever get to..

for now i am going to go lie down, hopefully with some soup {if i can swallow it}.

happy sunday.

advice...i need it!

ok, so i need advice.

blogging: i love it. i love being able to express my feelings {good and bad} and i love having somewhere to write everything down {other than my personal journal}.

mostly i love that when i am confused about something, upset or struggling, or just trying to better understand, i can write about it and through the writing process i am able to more clearly think about the topic/issue and really evaluate.

here lies the problem: i don't mind putting myself out there for strangers... at all! in fact i love it! i was just featured on one of my favorite blogs "that wife" {you can check out her wonderful blog and read the post here}. the thought of strangers and new friends reading my blog was exciting.

i also don't mind sharing my blog with friends from church. what i have found is that it is uncomfortable, for lack of a better way to put it, telling or sharing my blog with non-member friends and my family. i feel embarrassed telling them about it.

my friends who have read my blog tell me i need to be more brave to just post the link on my facebook account because it is worth sharing!...but i can't do it.

in fact i've tried... two days ago. i posted the link under 'my website' and then after i clicked submit and went straight back and deleted it.

i am worried friends will no longer be my friend because i am LDS. that they will think i am weird and gossip about me behind my back {something i know is already going on, and hurts to think about}. THE WORST PART ABOUT IT IS: those are the types of friends i would never want to have in the first place AND all my real friends already know i am a member and i am still embarrassed to share my blog.

what is my problem!? if everyone already knows, and i am in no way ashamed of my choices, then why is it so hard for me to tell those people who are close to me about it?

also, and this is a BIG issue. as you may have noticed, i have a very good relationship with my mom. i love her so much! she means the world to me and i tell her EVERYTHING {save some details of course}... she has no idea i have a blog! so many of my struggles as a convert are family related. surely i wouldn't be able to voice my true feelings as a convert {the very purpose of this blog} if they are mommy related and mommy is reading the blog! at the same time, maybe she should know?!

help!