confessions of a convert

so i have a HUGE confession. although in actuality, it isn't a confession at all... it's really more of an apology. 

i confess, i dropped of the face of this crazy planet {and no i do not feel good about it}

the last 10 months have been ridiculous. but they are now behind me.

i am a year older. i have a year of teaching under my belt. and my life is quickly de-stressing.

i have not felt this happy in a long time.

i also want to admit something else... and it's a little tough to say, but the point of this blog is honestly right?

in the chaos that is my life the past few months i have struggled a little with church-ly things. 

with my desire to want to read scriptures.

with talking about anything church re-lated.

with my calling.

and even at times not wanting to go to church. 

i hate it. 

it makes me feel like i am doing everything wrong. 

it felt like years since i had felt the comfort or love of the spirit. 

then i was reminded by a friend at church today of something very important.

{although she doesn't realize she helped me}

you cannot sit around waiting for someone or something to help you be spiritually uplifted.

specifically, you cannot just sit and wait for the spirit to find you.

 you need to be proactive and do things to help bring the spirit back into your life.

i have been sitting around waiting. 

{hoping to magically feel uplifted}

not reading the scriptures.

not giving my all to my calling.

not letting my husband talk about church. {oops}

just waiting.

and that doesn't work. 

trust me.

if you want to feel the spirit in your life, you have to do something about it. 

thank you mindi.

your testimony today helped me more than you'll ever know. 

confessions of a convert.

i received a few questions on formspring {due to yesterday's post}

 i will be answering them all...

but here is the first:

question: hardest part about converting?

this is an easy one for me...

although i hate to admit it. 

thus it is a great addition to my "confessions" series.

the hardest part about converting, for me, was the instant label/ stereotype that i was giving myself.

when most people hear the word "mormon" it isn't usually the best of thoughts that pops into their head.

and i was one of those people...so i know.

it was extremely hard for me to realize that if i joined the church

i would be a "mormon"...

why did there have to be such a negative connotation to the word?!

i still struggle with this, to a much lesser degree.

occasionally i get nervous for people to find out what religion i am...

i don't want them to think differently about me because of what i believe in.

and especially not because of stereotypes and rumors.

confessions of a convert.

this blog is about my life through mormon eyes right?

right.

on that note, i have something to share...

mormons talk about church a lot.

this is something i used to give my husband a hard time about {in a cute, joking way of course}... i used to tease him that he could take any conversation and "bring it back to church". in other words, he could relate anything to something "churchy".

what i have realized though is that as a member of the LDS church, church comes up every day. i am not talking a mention of the word "church", i am talking a full conversation, literally everyday, comes up naturally no matter how your day is going or what you are doing.

it is because being LDS it isn't just something you do on sunday, it is a lifestyle change. it is a part of who you are.

you could be on a date, with friends, at dinner, with family, at a theme park...it doesn't matter. sometime during the day church will come up.

i know that this is not true of other faiths...because i have lived another faith...i have friends and family of other faiths...i know many people of other faiths... it may be true of some church going people, but seriously...who talks about church everyday?!

well...i do. and i like it.

and that is my confession.

confession of a convert.

i had just finished dinner with the husbands family when my phone rang. i answered the phone to hear a lot of commotion and my brother saying, "hi, i have a really random question"...not thinking much of the situation i said "okkkk...."

this is what he said, "is it true mormons have to give 10% of their income to temple?"

OK... random is right, that really came out of left field! my brother is a self-proclaimed atheist so i am wondering at this point, which of his friends brought that up, and what else are they talking about?!

i answered his question, "well, we do pay a tithing of 10% of our income, but it doesn't just go to the temples. there are many other things the money goes to. it is also a choice to pay tithing, no one can make you do anything, we all can choose to pay or not, that is between us and the Lord."

he just couldn't seem to get over this fact...asking me how they monitor if we really pay 10%, if they check our pay checks and what they do if we don't pay the money...after explaining that it is all based on honesty he seemed to understand. i related tithing to the offerings made in the episcopal church we grew up in, this helped tithing make much more sense to him.

we finished our conversation with me reminding him that if he ever reads or hears something weird about the church to make sure he asks me before believing what he hears and he said "i know, i figured i would call you and brett because you are the the ones i trust about this stuff"

i am so happy that my brother was able to call me and ask for the truth about something one of his friends was just throwing around in a conversation.

it also made me a little sick to my stomach to think that my brother and his friends were talking about the church, when none of them are members. i know what a lot of people think about the church, and it isn't all good.

so here is the confession: it sucks to know that my family hears a lot of garbage and false truths about the church, and most likely believes it...it sucks to know that my family talks about me behind my back.

{my brother and i on top of tiger mountain}

confessions of a convert.

it is never fun to be made fun of. i thought that bullying and being picked on ended in high school... boy was i wrong.

being a member of the church can be really hard sometimes. to be blunt, when you are baptized you are giving yourself a label. to those people who don't know anything about the church, that label can be a very negative one.

the other day i went to a small gathering (5 people total) with teachers from the school that i am interning at. the host was very excited to be serving margaritas... and eager to pass them out.

at this point, i don't think any of the other teachers knew that i was mormon, just that i didn't drink coffee...not drinking alcohol at this party would be a definite give away...(who on earth doesn't drink coffee or alcohol besides a mormon?! come on people, i mean seriously?!)

i obviously said "no thank you" to the margarita, as did one other woman...but OF COURSE i was the one that was singled out for it...

it was clear at this point that one teacher knew exactly "what i was" and she was not a fan.

little jabs about not drinking and being immature started to come out.

at one point she even went into the kitchen to get a re-fill, i glanced into the kitchen to see what was going on and she said "oh, kristen is watching, better be careful!"

i was hurt, mad, embarrassed, and did not want to be at the party any longer.

i never ever said anything about drinking being bad... i never said they shouldn't drink. i wasn't the only one not drinking, so why do she find the need to make fun of me?!

so here's the confession...sometimes being a member of the LDS church is hard, especially being in a crowd of non-members. you might get set apart by others for negative reasons, put down, made fun of, and sometimes laughed at...

i found it hard to handle, and i left in tears.

the husband tells me it will get better. he says that growing up in the church you hear that stuff all the time and grow a thick skin.

my skin is getting thicker each day. i am proud to be who i am. i am proud to be a member of the LDS church. i am proud of each and every decision i make.

it just sucks that at 24 years old i still have to deal with stupid bullies.

ugh.

i'm back and with a confession!

hi all!

i am so sorry it has been so long! a lot has happened. a lot has been on my mind. and now i have time to write.

finally.

today has been a very hard day.

i just got back from an amazing trip to arizona to see the husbands grandparents. it was wonderful being there, and soaking in the sunshine (i almost forgot there was a sun it's been so gray in seattle).

HOWEVER, i had to leave the husband down south.

yup, i had to catch a flight home to make sure i got to class by 4:00 this evening and the husband along with his brother and sister-in-law and our cute 2-year-old nephew are still having fun in the sun.

the second we got to the airport and he turned to give me a hug i started to cry. a) because i really wanted to stay and b) (the main reason) i did not want to leave the husband. i HATE not being with him. it makes me sick to my stomach.

then...i got on the plane and had the WORST flight ever:

-sitting next to the craziest child ever (i hate to say it, but she was such a bratty little girl!) and i love kids, especially sitting by them on planes because it allows for some entertainment, but this little 3 year-old was something else...i wish i was far, far away from her, we are talking screaming bloody murder (for the entire flight) because of reasons like her mom tied her shoe too tight, then too lose, then too tight. you get the picture.

-i spilled my pop in my lap...but it didn't look like i spilled pop, it landed so that it looked perfectly like i peed my pants. (the flight attendant wouldn't help me...she gave me 2 of those measly napkins for the entire mess). i had people STARRING at me. it was so embarrassing. i went into the bathroom to try to dry my pants and stayed in the tiny thing for 10 minutes crying.

-when i finally got the courage to go back to my seat and sat down with my laptop...i hear "I HAVE TO PEEEEEE". screaming in my ear was the lovely 3 year old. great.

then i had no time to go home and had to go straight to school and sit through 3 hours of the worst class ever.

THEN i raced to the house i am house sitting to let out their dogs and was locked out of the house because the girl that was taking care of the house while i was in AZ locked the only door i am able to get in. (i am finally in now).

ugh.

needless to say, i am glad this day is over. (but not glad i don't get the much needed therapeutic hug from the husband when i need it the most).

_____________________________________________

so now for the confession:

every six months in the LDS church is something called "general conference". general conference is a semiannual gathering of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. during general conference weekend, church members and others who are interested gather worldwide in a series of two-hour sessions to receive inspiration and instruction from church leaders

there are 2 2-hour 'sessions' on saturday and 2 2-hour 'sessions' on sunday.

total sessions that i watched: zero.

confession: i was lying in the sun, by the pool instead of watching conference (which i should have been doing).

conference is LONG. even longer than the 3 hour church sessions i just wrote about... we are talking 8 hours of church in one weekend!

now before you go thinking i am the worst person ever, here is the good news: i (anyone) can watch videos of all the talks given at lds.org and also there is an LDS magazine called the "Ensign" that has a 'conference issue' that will be coming out which will have all the talks published in it!

so yes, i didn't watch it live but yes i did pre-plan to not watch conference and to read/watch the talks when i got home.

did any of you out there watch conference? what were you favorites talks this time? OR if you are a non-lds reader, do you have ANY questions!?

i hope you are all doing wonderful!

confessions of a convert.

i will just get right out there and say it...

3 hours is a LONG time to be at church.

i sat in on a missionary discussion this week...the husband's cousin in taking the missionary discussions and i decided to listen in.

woah...dejavu of a whole year of my life! i had so many missionary lessons i could probably teach some of them! :/

the husbands cousin has come to church the past few sundays and only stayed for the first hour...well in the lesson i sort of, well actually completely blurted out to his cousin, "you should come with me to relief society!" (relief society is the 3rd hour of church on sunday. all the women get together and have their own class, and all the men get together to have their own class. it's awesome!)

anyway... a) awkward, did i really just blurt that out?! and b) what if she doesnt want to come and i just totally pressured her?!

then i got to thinking...if i didn't have a testimony of church (which i gained after going consistently), 3 hours would seem like a ridiculous amount of church!

on second thought, 3 hours is a long time...no matter who you are!

ok, so even though its a long time, and yes i get really hungry, and yes i daze off sometimes because maaaaybe i should have gone to bed earlier the night before... church is amazing.

i learn so much at church it is ridiculous and i know from my years of life without going to church that it is OH-SO-IMPORTANT to be spiritually fed.

also, we (meaning i) must remember that it is a blessing to be able to even attend church. many people in this world are oppressed, they are forced into religions they don't believe, or forbidden to go to church.

attending church is a remarkable blessing that i have in this day and age...it is one that should not be taken for granted.

i would stay any amount of hours at church if it meant the difference between going to church or not at all.

confessions of a convert.

i am writing this post with a heavy heart.

after 3 years teaching primary {sunday school}, with the cutest kids ever, i am officially done.

last week was supposed to be my last, but obviously i didn't teach.

so thats it.

no last class.

no party that i had planned to say goodbye to the cutest CTR 4 class ever.

{LDS sunday school classes are seperated by the age the children are on january 1...i had the 4 year olds...the class was called CTR-choose the right 4}

no expaining to the kids why i am 'abandoning' them, which is what it feels like i am doing.

i have loved being in primary. i practically begged to be called to teach.

there have definitely been ups and downs, hard days, amazing days, hilarious days, and everything in between. i have learned more from those kids then i could have ever taught them and i am so grateful i was able to be their teacher.

now, you may be wondering why this is a confession...well its because i asked to be released from being a teacher. {cue tears...why am i always crying?!} i don't think you are supposed to ask to be released but i did. and hey, i am a convert so i don't know the unwritten 'rules' anyway half the time...

so i confess... it was me. they did not ask me to stop teaching, and TRUST me i did NOT want to stop, but i had to. i had to think of me for once.

i am being stretched so thin right now that i think i might break in to 8 pieces. i don't have enough time for anything...not enough time for homework, or school, or student teaching, for planning the amazing primary lessons those kids deserve, and especially not enough time for the husband. he has been beyond neglected and i have been beyond mean/rude/the-worst-wife-ever the past month {which is not good considering we got married 7 months ago in 2 days} and its time for a change.

i feel the strong need to go to church and go to MY sunday school...sunday school for adults...to learn for me, to listen, and grow.

will i miss being in primary? yes. will i get to teach primary again...you better hope i get to, otherwise i will go all hulk on everyone! {just kidding...sort of}

so thats it, thats what i had to tell you all...

and now i am going to go pack.

the husband and i are going to visit my dad in charleston, sc. we have to be at the airport at 5:00am...that means waking up really early.

so goodbye for now. i will miss you all.

see you back here in t-minus one week...

confessions of a convert...

so i have another confession to post, and you all much answer the question at the end because i need your help!

i have to say that i have always been a pretty modest dresser.

some of you may disagree because of standards you were raised by, but that is my opinion, and this is MY blog. :]

i have never worn the tiny little abercrombie shorts, with holes basically on the butt cheeks...although i used to wear shorts.

i have never been comfortable wearing low cut tops or mini skirts.

my confession here is that although i understand the reasons for dressing modestly, it is REALLY hard to find cute, modest clothing...key word: cute, and this makes life realllllly frustrating sometimes.

i want to dress in cute clothes.

i want to dress in modest clothes.

i know i can do both...

i love shade's clothes, they are cute and modest without looking like a 'molly-mormon' (altough they are closed for a little longer).

but i cannot, for my life, find other clothing websites that have cute modest clothes that i know i can order from... and wont have to send back because they're too short, too low, too wide on the shoulders etc.

does anyone have any good websites with fabulous clothes?!

help. help. help.

i had to add this to my post:

this is what we're working with people. i searched for modest clothing and i found this:

quote from my sister-in-law: "is it a one piece or a two piece?"

i really don't know.

what i do know is that not only is this wonderful modest ADULT outfit sold out in 3 sizes, it is also $60.

no-thank-you.

{ok rant is over}

confessions of a convert.

i have decided to start a series of posts called "confessions of a convert".

i am not sure if they will be once a month...once a week...or whenever but the point of them will be to highlight the things that i, a convert, faces dealing with church-y things....those little things that i struggle with or hide and think to myself...um, i could probably be better about that, or what the heck does that even mean?! you know...those moments.

i was at a baby shower last week and someone mentioned a name like: malyshamalamahama... {try to say it its fun!}

ok, it wasn't really that... but the name was so foreign to me that it sounded like that. i had NEVER heard the name. then i asked the woman who she was talking about and she said "oh, he's in the book of mormon!".

busted.

like i said, i had never even heard the name...in fact i don't even remember the name {dyann help me out here!} which means one thing.

confession number one is to commence....now:

i suck at reading the book of mormon...really i suck at reading the scriptures in general. i don't know what it is but i have an awful time motivating myself to read them. i know its important. i know i would like it if i read it but i just...dont. :[

its even worse when my husband asks if i want to read them with him and i say no!

i will say it again...i suck!

it doesn't help that i dont really like to read in general, but even though i dont like to read, i NEED to read the scriptures. its essential and i am smart enough to know that!

i definitely have my ups and downs...times where i do read the scriptures and really enjoy it. but after the ups, there are downs and i just dont read at all.

its hard. and i am bad at it.

perhaps reading should have been my new years resolution along with these.

ugh.

{maybe i should get these books. haha}