primary songs and kids to come.

{reflecting on gina's comment about "thinking about the future for comfort" from this post}

i was driving to my mom's house just yesterday and the husband and i were listening to the Children's Songbook CD Collection...this one:

{for those of you who are not LDS it is a compilation of TONS of songs that are sung at church by the children in sunday school}

i put in the discs as a little bit of a joke because i wanted to prove to the husband that i knew all the books of the new testament in order... {there are songs to help you memorize things like that}. after accomplishing my goal of surprising him with my raw singing talent {not!}, we started listening to other primary songs that he remembers from when he was younger.

some of them are good, some are a little irritating, but all in all they are sweet. and let's face it, kids love to sing!

well, all of a sudden a song came on and it was a family singing "when there's love at home". it immediately made me think to the future...a flash of the husband and i, and our little children singing popped into my head. i was overwhelmed with the spirit.

its funny how one second you can be laughing and making fun of a silly song, the next you can be watery-eyed and emotional.

i cannot believe that one day the husband and i will have children {God willing} and they will be singing primary songs. they will go to church. they will be baptized.

it is all surreal.

so thank you gina for helping me to think about the future and the joy that it will bring. it does help, and it makes it all worth it!

confessions of a convert.

i have decided to start a series of posts called "confessions of a convert".

i am not sure if they will be once a month...once a week...or whenever but the point of them will be to highlight the things that i, a convert, faces dealing with church-y things....those little things that i struggle with or hide and think to myself...um, i could probably be better about that, or what the heck does that even mean?! you know...those moments.

i was at a baby shower last week and someone mentioned a name like: malyshamalamahama... {try to say it its fun!}

ok, it wasn't really that... but the name was so foreign to me that it sounded like that. i had NEVER heard the name. then i asked the woman who she was talking about and she said "oh, he's in the book of mormon!".

busted.

like i said, i had never even heard the name...in fact i don't even remember the name {dyann help me out here!} which means one thing.

confession number one is to commence....now:

i suck at reading the book of mormon...really i suck at reading the scriptures in general. i don't know what it is but i have an awful time motivating myself to read them. i know its important. i know i would like it if i read it but i just...dont. :[

its even worse when my husband asks if i want to read them with him and i say no!

i will say it again...i suck!

it doesn't help that i dont really like to read in general, but even though i dont like to read, i NEED to read the scriptures. its essential and i am smart enough to know that!

i definitely have my ups and downs...times where i do read the scriptures and really enjoy it. but after the ups, there are downs and i just dont read at all.

its hard. and i am bad at it.

perhaps reading should have been my new years resolution along with these.

ugh.

{maybe i should get these books. haha}

overwhelmed.

they told me i'd be busy.

they told me i would be stressed.

they told me i would have no extra time.

but they didn't tell me i would be going to bed at 2am.

waking up at 6am.

and seeing my husband for 15 minutes before getting into bed at night.

really school?!

i thought i was done with you after 4 years at uw.

i thought i would never have a test, or homework again.

and yet here i am...11:00pm on wednesday night so tired i can barely keep my eyes open, drowning in homework, papers, projects and readings....but on my blog.

i think i need to look at my priorities a bit! :]

tomorrow is the first time i am actually teaching something in my student teaching classroom. and i will be the first to admit... i am NERVOUS! but when they heck did i become scared of first graders?! i need to pull-it-together!

anyway...send prayers my way. i need a cup of confidence for breakfast!

goodnight.

T.G{OODNESS}.I.F.

its friday. and thank goodness for that. it's been one of THOSE weeks...{you know, where it feels like so much has happened that you think it's friday but its monday around...11:00am. great.}

this is all i want to do:

have a giant bowl of popcorn.

eat lots of candy.

watch a movie.

snuggle.

sleep.

now all i have to do is find the husband, wherever he is, and convince him to want to do the same.

happy friday everyone. hope you week was better than mine! :p

witnessing a baptism.

no, i haven't forgotten about my blog {i know you were all VERY worried!}

i have been pretty sick with a bad cold that has made me really sleepy...and yet unable to sleep! so i have not been up to writing, but it's been too long so here i go.

last saturday was a great day. i woke up early to get ready with my husband who had been planning a baptism {he is the ward mission leader which means he works closely with the full-time missionaires (the young men who knock on your doors with smiles and name tags on) He is the middle man between the members of the ward (our church congregation) and the missionaries.}.

i knew the baptism was coming and to be honest wasn't so sure it should be happening.

the fifteen year old boy to be baptized had been to church only 3 times, missed several appointments he had made with the missionaries and didn't seem all that motivated from what i had heard about him {as far as missing appointments etc.}.

when i considered baptism, i knew i had to be absolutely sure...it took me months and months of going to church and months talking with the missionaries to commit {setting a date for baptism}...it took this boy less than 3 weeks to commit. surely there is no way he knew the significance of what he was doing.

boy was i wrong, and boy do i feel bad.

saturdays baptism was amazing. sitting just 2 seats away from the boy i could feel the spirit so strongly that tears were welling in my eyes consistently the entire time. it was the same room that i was baptized in so i was flooded with emotions and memories of my own as well.

after the baptism i had the opportunity to talk with the boy and his mother. the excitement that he showed and the happiness that radiated throughout him proved me wrong... he wasn't making a random decision, he knew exactly what he was doing and he really desired to be baptized. while his mother is not a member of the LDS church, she was there, with a huge smile on her face, and seemed to be so proud of her son. it was amazing being in the room with them.

i cannot believe that someone so young could be so wise and make such a huge decision such as baptism {especially at the age of 15! i am pretty sure all i thought about at that age was turning 16 and getting my drivers license...oh and boys!} he is definitely a very special person, and so is his mother; as she demonstrated pure love and joy for her child and supporting his decisions and what makes him happy.

i am grateful i was able to be a part of and watch the baptism.

it makes me even more grateful for where i am today.

advice...i need it!

ok, so i need advice.

blogging: i love it. i love being able to express my feelings {good and bad} and i love having somewhere to write everything down {other than my personal journal}.

mostly i love that when i am confused about something, upset or struggling, or just trying to better understand, i can write about it and through the writing process i am able to more clearly think about the topic/issue and really evaluate.

here lies the problem: i don't mind putting myself out there for strangers... at all! in fact i love it! i was just featured on one of my favorite blogs "that wife" {you can check out her wonderful blog and read the post here}. the thought of strangers and new friends reading my blog was exciting.

i also don't mind sharing my blog with friends from church. what i have found is that it is uncomfortable, for lack of a better way to put it, telling or sharing my blog with non-member friends and my family. i feel embarrassed telling them about it.

my friends who have read my blog tell me i need to be more brave to just post the link on my facebook account because it is worth sharing!...but i can't do it.

in fact i've tried... two days ago. i posted the link under 'my website' and then after i clicked submit and went straight back and deleted it.

i am worried friends will no longer be my friend because i am LDS. that they will think i am weird and gossip about me behind my back {something i know is already going on, and hurts to think about}. THE WORST PART ABOUT IT IS: those are the types of friends i would never want to have in the first place AND all my real friends already know i am a member and i am still embarrassed to share my blog.

what is my problem!? if everyone already knows, and i am in no way ashamed of my choices, then why is it so hard for me to tell those people who are close to me about it?

also, and this is a BIG issue. as you may have noticed, i have a very good relationship with my mom. i love her so much! she means the world to me and i tell her EVERYTHING {save some details of course}... she has no idea i have a blog! so many of my struggles as a convert are family related. surely i wouldn't be able to voice my true feelings as a convert {the very purpose of this blog} if they are mommy related and mommy is reading the blog! at the same time, maybe she should know?!

help!

another great question...

question:

There are lots of things I genuinely like about the Mormom church but lots of historical things that make me question and seem illogical (to me). Did you deal with any of these doubts when you converted or have any problems with things like this?

answer:

I definitely had my questions. I, as many people, had heard rumors and stories about the mormon church before being a member. In fact, in the beginning of my relationship with my now husband, if I was asked whether I would ever convert to mormonism I would give a foul look at said "no way!" because of what I had heard.

Three things I struggled with were: 1) polygamy 2) the temple and 3) Joseph Smith/ The Book of Mormon

Polygamy: My now-father-in-law is a very smart and well educated man, especially in church history. It took only one conversation on the topic of polygamy to understand why it was a necessary thing in the past. To many people's disbelief, it was never for {and excuse my bluntness} sexual reasons. The early church members were NOT sexual deviants...rather if you look into church history polygamy started as many of the men in the church were being killed for their beliefs. The women were left on their own right before having to cross the United States with their children on foot. Specific men, NOT all LDS men were called to marry other women. It would have been inappropriate for men to have lived with and cared for the women and children if not married...thus polygamy started. Now, of course, polygamy is illegal and the church stands by that full force. Any member of the church who tries to have a polygamous relationship is excommunicated {something that is relatively hard to have happen}.

The Temple:

I cannot stand being left in the dark. When I am learning about something, I want to know everything. This brought a problem when learning about the Temple because I just wanted to go inside! I didn't care I wasn't a member...it wasn't fair I couldn't go in. My interest in what went on inside was only heightened when my mom told me AWFUL stories about what she had heard happened inside to women. I was disgusted, mortified, and did not want to go. I relayed this information to my husband {then boyfriend} and he helped me tremendously. He, admittingly frustrated that I would believe such stories told me this, "My Dad loves my Mom more than anything. He loves his daughters more than anything... do you EVER think that he would let something like that happen to them?!"...I felt a little silly realizing what I had believed and realized that nothing like that would happen in the temple.

My confidence, love and excitement to go to the temple came through prayers this experience {http://throughtheeyesofamormon.blogspot.com/2010/04/vancouver-bc-temple.html} and and overwhelming feeling of confidence I received through the Holy Ghost as driving by the Temple one day. I can say, since being to the Temple that it is an amazing place of peace, happiness, and love. I don't think anything un-pure or negative could happen there.

Joseph Smith/ The Book of Mormon:

This is probably the number one thing people struggle with. It is an amazing, unbelievable thing to think of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appearing to a boy of 14. I was told that if I didn't believe that they appeared to him, but read the book of mormon and found the words in the book to be true, the Joseph Smith 'story' must then be true as well, for if Joseph Smith had not seen Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ then the Book of Mormon would not exist.

Since being a member of the church, I have learned many more things about The Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith that help confirm to me that he saw what he did and that there is no way he could have made up the Book of Mormon. One such way was through talking to someone who had served a mission and had met a man who had lived in the Middle East. He was not a member of the church but knew the area's spoken of in the Book of Mormon very well. He expressed to the missionaries that there is no way someone could write about those places in that time without visiting the Middle East, which Joseph Smith had never done. The middle-eastern man joined the church as soon as he could even though he would have been killed for doing so if he returned to his home. He expressed to the missionaries who warned him he could be killed, "wouldn't you die for this church?"

Ultimately, like the how I gained confidence about the Temple, many prayers and thought were put into understanding Joseph Smith and what he went through {and also the Book of Mormon}. The more I read and the more I research the more I understand and realize there is no way he came up with the words written in the Book of Mormon by himself and I know that the words within it are inspired of God. So I no longer have an issue with this at all!

Sorry for the lengthy, scrambled answer! If I made other questions come up, feel free to ask!

Have a good one!

:]

Delete

formspring.

i was asked a VERY good question on formspring.

one that i have wondered myself at times, and had to get the asnwer from someone other than myself... so i figured i would share it with you all {including the answer}.

my formspring box is over on the righthand side of the blog...don't be shy, ask {mostly} any questions and i will do my best to answer it!

question from 'anonymous':

"You sound lovely, but how come your husband was willing to date a wild party girl (before!) when he was mormon?"

{thanksgiving 2005...post 'turkey bowl' win! and 3 years before my baptism}

answer:

Sometimes I wonder that myself...he has more patience than anyone I know that's for sure!

While I wouldn't necessarily tag myself as a "wild" party girl {though I did drink} I think meeting in high school helped. There were not many LDS kids at our public high school and so most of his friends drank- though he did not, they completely supported him for his choice not to.

We had the same core group of friends our Junior Year in High School which is when we both started liking each other. I don't think we would have met in college because he would have never gone looking for his future wife in that crowd...so I am really lucky...

ultimately I am not sure why he was willing to stick-it-out with me...let's ask him!

Husband's Response:

"Interesting question, I don't think I have ever been asked that before. Going off of what

Kristen already said, we met when we were in High School, I have tried to look past peoples actions and see them for the good (I think the good naturally outweighs the bad for most people). I saw Kristen for what she really was, not the partying or differing views of faith we had, but rather a person with so much good and beauty. Both inside and out.

Kristen was inherently different than all of the other girls at high school. There was just "something" about her. Admittedly it was very tough on our relationship through the first 2 college years, but I would say it also brought us a lot closer at the same time.

So to sum it all up, me being Mormon only helped me have the opportunity to look deeper at Kristen, rather than just seeing her looks/appearances and what you see on the outside. If I did not have my faith and was not Mormon I would have probably never even been looking for a girlfriend. I would have probably never stuck it out and would not be married to this wonderful woman.

Being LDS is all about trying to emulate Christ, and trying to become a better person through Him. It is about changing yourself into something that you were not previously. I guess it has taught me to see people in that same light.

Thanks again for the question!

-The Husband "

{may 2010...my 23rd birthday}

{he makes me smile...a lot!}

"i'm a convert, not a convert-er!"

since being baptized into the LDS church i have really only focused on myself. what i mean by that is that i have been busy growing my own testimony and learning more about the gospel and the church to help me grow.

i cannot count, or even remember, the number of times i have been asked if my family is interested, or been told i should talk to my mom, my brothers, my dad, step mom, step siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents...my cousins...my dog.....{just kidding, i don't even have a dog}...about the church.

i have to admit, it made me frustrated having so many people pressure me about my family, and hearing them say "they'll be members some day". i would think to myself:

'what do i care if they are members?! i was just baptized...let me figure myself out!'

well... everything's changed.

last sunday my husband and i watched a movie: "Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration". i had seen the movie just twice before sunday, both times i was very emotional, and both times included a LOT of crying {even the first time i saw the movie which was before i was a member of the church}.

this time we watched it, it was much different.

the entire movie i could not stop crying. i cried harder than i have even cried when watching a movie in my entire life.

as i watched i couldn't believe that i was a part of what i was watching... that everything Joseph Smith did, everything he went though {losing friends, children, being tarred and feathered, being killed for what he believed} has become a part of my life and has made it possible for me to be where i am today.

and then i started crying even harder. i wished so badly, for the first time, that my family would know what i know. that they could share with me in the great happiness that i feel because of my membership in the LDS church. i wish their hearts would be softened and they could feel what i do, that they could just... understand.

i want so badly to sit by my mom at church on sundays. i want my family there with me. i want to go to the temple with them... to be sealed to each one of them.

i am filled with so many emotions.

love...

sadness...

faith...

hope...

anxiety...

pressure...

but mostly gratitude... for those members of the church who came before me. who showed me the way, and led those to come in the greatest way possible- by example.

i hope i can be that light for someone else. i hope i can be more like they were.

resolutions...

happy new year!

i cannot believe it's the start of yet another year... a fresh start, a new beginning!

i have never been the 'resolution' type, but this year i am going to try...

the past few months, since being married, have been crazy. i am not going to lie and say that they have been easy because they have definitely had their ups and downs, however i will say that they have been wonderful all the same.

although we've been together for over 6 years, since being married and living with my husband i learn something new about him every day. i learn something new about myself, oh... every other second.

one thing that i have learned is that most of the 'downs' in the past few months have been related to one thing: my patience... while i thought that i had patience, i realize i have none. this is definitely a problem, for example when my cute husband loads the dishwasher and thinks i will have a sigh of relief but rather i sigh with frustration because he put the silverware in upside down.... come on kristen! who cares!!!

so what is my resolution?!....i can tell you are all just holding your breath waiting to find out {note the sarcasm}.

to be more patient and and to be more confident in myself.

i know that with more patience my whole life will run more smoothly... i wont get upset when i am stuck at a red light, or when i am at the grocery store and the line i chose is the worst! {isn't that how it always works out?!} or when the stupid silverware is upside down. life will just be better with patience.

and the second part of my resolution: have i mentioned that i have no self-confidence?! i am always frustrated with this or that about myself... that i wish this was different or that i didn't have that 'issue'. it drives the husband absolutely crazy because in his eyes i am...wait for it... "perfect". oh bless him, what a sweetheart! {but what a crazy man!! i mean seriously, who's perfect? and how boring is perfect!!}

my goal is to come to love who i am, and for everything that i am...no ifs, ands and despite the butt! {hehe}

humor aside, i am ready for what the new year has to offer me and excited to work on my goals!

i am not sure if 2011 can beat an engagement and a wedding... but i guess we'll just have to wait and see.

happy new year to you and your family...here's to 2011!