doubts.

here's another formspring question and answer....

did you have doubts right before converting? have you had doubts since?

i have answered the first bit of this one before...

in "the letter"

"i had lost the confidence i had in my decision to be baptized and was so nervous i didn't think i would make it through the night. before i left my boyfriends house that evening he stopped me and said that he had forgotten to give me something...it was a letter from one of the missionaries father..."

{http://throughtheeyesofamormon.blogspot.com/2010/01/letter.html}

it's funny how the spirit and the adversary work...

i had all the confidence in the world with my choice to be baptized...

but the night before my baptism the adversary tried to knock me down as hard as he could.

i am grateful for the love and support that i had and still have, or else my choice would have been much harder.

my baptism would still have happened, but it would have been much more difficult to get into that water.

as for today, and doubts that may have arisen...they haven't.

yes living a "mormon lifestyle" isn't always the easiest...

we live in a day and age where promiscuity and drinking is almost expected.
that is not me, nor will it ever be, but i am ridiculed for not being like everyone else.

does it make it harder to find true friends?

 yes.

does it give me doubts about my choice?

never. 

i know that my choice was the right one to make.

i know that i am where i need to be.

primary songs and kids to come.

{reflecting on gina's comment about "thinking about the future for comfort" from this post}

i was driving to my mom's house just yesterday and the husband and i were listening to the Children's Songbook CD Collection...this one:

{for those of you who are not LDS it is a compilation of TONS of songs that are sung at church by the children in sunday school}

i put in the discs as a little bit of a joke because i wanted to prove to the husband that i knew all the books of the new testament in order... {there are songs to help you memorize things like that}. after accomplishing my goal of surprising him with my raw singing talent {not!}, we started listening to other primary songs that he remembers from when he was younger.

some of them are good, some are a little irritating, but all in all they are sweet. and let's face it, kids love to sing!

well, all of a sudden a song came on and it was a family singing "when there's love at home". it immediately made me think to the future...a flash of the husband and i, and our little children singing popped into my head. i was overwhelmed with the spirit.

its funny how one second you can be laughing and making fun of a silly song, the next you can be watery-eyed and emotional.

i cannot believe that one day the husband and i will have children {God willing} and they will be singing primary songs. they will go to church. they will be baptized.

it is all surreal.

so thank you gina for helping me to think about the future and the joy that it will bring. it does help, and it makes it all worth it!

formspring.

i was asked a VERY good question on formspring.

one that i have wondered myself at times, and had to get the asnwer from someone other than myself... so i figured i would share it with you all {including the answer}.

my formspring box is over on the righthand side of the blog...don't be shy, ask {mostly} any questions and i will do my best to answer it!

question from 'anonymous':

"You sound lovely, but how come your husband was willing to date a wild party girl (before!) when he was mormon?"

{thanksgiving 2005...post 'turkey bowl' win! and 3 years before my baptism}

answer:

Sometimes I wonder that myself...he has more patience than anyone I know that's for sure!

While I wouldn't necessarily tag myself as a "wild" party girl {though I did drink} I think meeting in high school helped. There were not many LDS kids at our public high school and so most of his friends drank- though he did not, they completely supported him for his choice not to.

We had the same core group of friends our Junior Year in High School which is when we both started liking each other. I don't think we would have met in college because he would have never gone looking for his future wife in that crowd...so I am really lucky...

ultimately I am not sure why he was willing to stick-it-out with me...let's ask him!

Husband's Response:

"Interesting question, I don't think I have ever been asked that before. Going off of what

Kristen already said, we met when we were in High School, I have tried to look past peoples actions and see them for the good (I think the good naturally outweighs the bad for most people). I saw Kristen for what she really was, not the partying or differing views of faith we had, but rather a person with so much good and beauty. Both inside and out.

Kristen was inherently different than all of the other girls at high school. There was just "something" about her. Admittedly it was very tough on our relationship through the first 2 college years, but I would say it also brought us a lot closer at the same time.

So to sum it all up, me being Mormon only helped me have the opportunity to look deeper at Kristen, rather than just seeing her looks/appearances and what you see on the outside. If I did not have my faith and was not Mormon I would have probably never even been looking for a girlfriend. I would have probably never stuck it out and would not be married to this wonderful woman.

Being LDS is all about trying to emulate Christ, and trying to become a better person through Him. It is about changing yourself into something that you were not previously. I guess it has taught me to see people in that same light.

Thanks again for the question!

-The Husband "

{may 2010...my 23rd birthday}

{he makes me smile...a lot!}

afraid.

for the first time i was nervous about being a member of the LDS church.

that is something very hard to admit.

the school i am doing my masters program at is a private christian school. while there is nothing wrong with that, at all, something in class provoked my nerves.

in one of my classes my teacher asked if there was anyone in the room who was not a 'believer'. no one raised their hands indicating that everyone in my program {a group of 26ish students} is a follower of christ in one way or another.

in a room full of what my teacher calls 'believers' it made me start to think of all the 'believers' out there that are very against the LDS church. in fact many churches, and individuals do not consider the LDS church even christian rather they think of the LDS church as a cult, or an abomination.

i knew this when i was baptized. what i didn't know was how it would affect me.

what if there were students in my program that would hate me because of my religion? what if no one would be my friend? what if i would be looked at differently just because of what i believe?

i was very nervous when my teacher starting asking a few individuals what church they went to...

"please don't call on me, pleeeease don't call on me" is all i could think to myself. my heart pounding.

i was not called on. i was, however, for the first time, afraid to admit what church i belonged to, in fear that i would be looked at differently. in fear that my teacher would grade me differently.

that is not fair.

many prayers have followed that day in class. many prayers have been answered since that day in class.

i am not afraid anymore. i have courage. i am proud to be a member of the LDS church.

i realize, nothing and no one can bring me down... unless I let them...

which i wont.

2 years...

today is april 19th, which means....it has already been 2 full years since my baptism. i cannot believe how fast time has been flying by. my life has changed more than i could have ever imagined it would....

although i am the same person i was and always will be, i know that i am truly a much happier person now. my life is so much more simple, and a lot of the unneeded stress of the outside world is no longer a burden on my life...

i am healthier because of the word of wisdom...

i am more patient because of the scriptures...

i feel comforted when i am scared because of the power of prayer...

i am happier because i know that there is a plan for me, that my family can be together forever and that i am living my life in a way that i can be proud of myself.

my baptism.

the day of my baptism was nothing like i have ever experienced.

i woke up on the morning of april 19, 2008 with a smile on my face. i was ready. i got ready for the day and headed to my boyfriends house where his family was anxiously awaiting my arrival. the atmosphere in their home was nothing short of pure joy and the smiles on everyone's faces made me even happier than i already was.

the drive to the church, where the baptism was to take place, seemed much longer than it actually was. it was quiet in the car as we listened to the mormon tabernacle choir, and gave me time to really reflect on the event that was about to happen. as we got closer and closer to the church building the butterflies in my stomach became more and more intense, and by the time we reached the building, i will admit it. i was nervous.

my boyfriend and i went inside and got dressed in our white clothing... in the LDS church, individuals who are being baptized and those doing to baptizing both wear white. white not only symbolizes purity and cleanliness, but it also is symbolic of what happens after you are baptized. at baptism, a person is washed clean of their sins... they then try to live their life in the best possible way, the most pure and clean way that they can, white is a reminder of this.

after getting dressed, we returned to the room where the baptism was going to take place. i was shocked to see how many people had shown up to be with me on my special day. many friends and individuals from the church had come to support me, and most importantly, my family came. my mom came with her sister (my aunt) and my dad and his wife came, along with my brother and his girlfriend. it meant so much to me that they were all there for me on this day that was so very important to me.

as the baptism started i was nervous for so many people to be watching me. in fact i could barely concentrate on the people who were talking (i was able to chose two people to speak at my baptism)...after the first speaker, it was time for the actual baptism to take place...

in the LDS church, baptism is done by full immersion under the water in a baptismal font. as my boyfriend and i entered the font all my previous worries had disappeared. in fact, something rather amazing happened....my perspective had changed and it was as if he and i were the only ones in the room. i had forgotten that an entire room full of people was looking at me and i concentrated only on what was happening... the water was warm and i can still remember the way it felt against the baptismal clothing.

after i was baptized, i cannot describe the feelings that i was overcome with. as i write this entry i am also overwhelmed by emotion. for that reason, and because the memory is so sacred to me, i am not going to explain every detail, however i will say that i have never been so happy, and felt so clean in my entire life. it was if i was floating on the clouds and nothing could pull me down. ever.

i returned to the room where all my friends and family were, after changing into dry clothes, and the second speaker gave their talk. then the baptism was closed with a word of prayer.

i was able to meet with everyone afterward. the room was filled with happiness and time passed by very quickly. i wished that it would have lasted forever.

i want to tell you, that the emotions that i felt after i was baptized give me, without a shadow of doubt, the confidence and knowledge that i made the right decision to be baptized into the LDS faith.

my life was changed forever that day, and i am so happy that it was.

the letter...

the month leading up to my baptism went by really quickly...about a week before my baptism i was starting to feel really nervous and started questioning myself to see if i was making the right choice....the day before my baptism was a roller coaster, to say the least.

i had lost the confidence i had in my decision to be baptized and was so nervous i didnt think i would make it through the night. before i left my boyfriends house that evening he stopped me and said that he had forgotten to give me something...it was a letter from one of the missionaries father. i was a little confused as to why he would be writing to me...i mean, he didnt even know me... anyway, i drove to my apartment and read the letter before going to bed.

i am not going to say what was in the letter because it is too personal, however, i will tell you all that the words that filled the pages of the letter filled my eyes with tears, and my heart with love and joy...

the letter spoke of his trials and tribulations as a convert to the LDS church and gave me the reassurance that everything would be ok and that i truly was making the right decision.

i went to bed that night feeling so happy, excited, loved, and comforted. all because one man felt the need to write a letter to a complete stranger.

i am and will always be so grateful for that letter that i received.

confusion to confidence.

so...its been way too long. and i do apologize about that, but here i go again...

like i said, i did not have the confidence to tell anyone that i was going to be baptized. i was nervous and pretty uneasy about my decision. it was not until about a week or two later that i had an experience, too personal to share via internet, that changed my perspective about baptism completely. i was no longer scared to tell anyone about my decision to be baptized. i even felt ready to tell my mom the news.

i told her that day, after prayers for comfort and continued confidence...she responded in a matter that i could have never imagined...with love, compassion, and so much support that i was overwhelmed. i even explained to her that i was going to wait until after our trip for my 21st birthday and she said, "honey, this is really important to you...why wait?!"....my heart literally skipped a beat. i could not be more happy that my mom was being so supportive...especially knowing that she is in no means the number one fan of the LDS church.

i called the missionaries and changed my baptism date to april 19, 2008...about a month in the future...(interesting: there is something special about this date...i found out later, after i was baptized in fact, that one of the missionaries had an experience leading him to believe that april 19th would be the day i was baptized...but that is a whole different story i can share at another time)

my attitude had completely changed and i was ready for the month to come...