teaching.

the longer i'm away, the more i miss it.

it's worse at night too...

when i can't squeeze chloe and remember why i am at home.

i know that staying home with chloe is an amazing opportunity, 

and such a huge blessing, 

but it doesn't mean that i don't miss teaching.

and trust me when i say, i miss it.

 a lot.

i find myself looking at my old school's website often...

looking at my old co-workers' websites and checking my work email.

doing this only makes me sad.

as you know, teaching is a huge passion of mine.

i loved being a teacher, and to toot my own horn a little, i was good at it.

teaching came naturally to me. 

plus with the amazing mentors i had, things just fell into place.

i miss having my own class of 21+ kiddos.

reading them stories.

watching their eyes light up and seeing their excitement as i taught them.

listening to them process new information.

i even miss the 'work' part of it all...the meetings and conferences.

but i love being home with chloe too.

i love being with her for every milestone.

watching her smile, laugh, and grow.

i wouldn't want to miss out on that for anything.

my plan has been to be a substitute teacher a day or two per week starting in january.

as january quickly approaches, however, so does my anxiety.

i would love, so much, to walk into a classroom and teach again.

but leaving chloe scares me...and i don't know why.

i really am not one of those moms, but this anxiety is killing me.

since chloe was born, i have never been away from her for more than 4 hours.

{and those 4 hours were when she was asleep for the night, not in the middle of the day}

it's not that i am afraid to leave her, 

it's because i have exclusively nursed her since she was born and she eats every 3 hours.

there are some things dad's just can't do. wink wink.

yes, she has taken a bottle a handful of times, but i was home for each one...

and it was more to train her to drink from a bottle in case of emergencies 

since there has been no real need for her to take a bottle with me being home all the time.

i know the husband can take care of baby c just fine. 

he is amazing with her.

i guess the thought of pumping {tmi...sorry}, storing milk, bottle feeding, and working, 

all at the same time, intimidates me. 

i think the only way to get over all this is to dive in head first.

i just question if i'm ready.