if you just believe...

christmas can be a hard time of year.

amidst the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, and in spite of the holiday parties and sugar cookies galore, it is also a time where we reflect on ourselves and our families.

for me it is the time of year that reminds me that my family is not what is always was...

what i mean is that it is this time of year that really makes me think about my parents divorce and how much i wish that it never happened, how much i wish that my cute little family was one again...instead of little pieces.

i have been told that i shouldn't be bothered by it...that i am 23 and i should just grow up and get over it. but i don't see it that way. whether you are 3 or 43 i think it would still be hard to see your family going through something like that.

regardless what people say, i cannot help but be a little sad at this time of year thinking and dreaming about christmas past.

when i am feeling this way i turn to josh groban's song "believe":

"children sleeping, snow is softly falling

dreams are calling like bells in the distance
we were dreamers not so long ago
but one by one we all had to grow up
when it seems the magic's slipped away
we find it all again on Christmas day

believe in what your heart is saying

hear the melody that's playing

there's no time to waste
there's so much to celebrate
believe in what you feel inside
and give your dreams the wings to fly
you have everything you need
if you just believe"

if you haven't heard the song, find it on itunes and listen to it, it is beautiful... {from the polar express soundtrack}.

i especially love the part in red because it is so true. no matter how we are feeling before christmas...the joy, laughter, smiles, and company -no matter who it is- on christmas make the day truly magical.

i wish everyday could feel like christmas.

with that...

"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house..."

...you know the rest of the story. get off your computer, snuggle by a fire, and go finish it with your family and loved ones.

and please, have a VERY merry christmas!

love always,

prescription filled!

yesterday was eventful. to say the least.

like this post mentioned, i have been having a little trouble with being excited about going to church. it's been frustrating because i know i love church... but i have just wondered why its been hard to go lately.

i said i needed to figure out the answer...

i said i would inform you when i found the answer. i found it yesterday.

my husband and i have not been to the temple since we were married...{which was one of the best/most amazing spiritual experiences of my life}. we finally went back yesterday.

both a little nervous because we were on our own {without having an 'escort' or family that knew what they were doing and had experience being at the temple} we went anyway.

the second we walked in the temple i was overcome with happiness. the temple is an amazing place. it is hard to miss feeling the holy spirit there... i was overcome with emotions and fought back tears multiple times during the temple session we went to.

once we were done we got lunch and went home.

all day i had been having pains in my stomach that started the night before. i figured they would get better but as the pain escalated and shooting pains started in my lower abdomen i was convinced to get a hold of the doctor on call.

before i even explained everything that was going on she quickly advised me that i needed to go to the emergency room as soon as i could.

reluctant, i went. {with my wonderful sister-in-law, as my husband was unable to come with me}.

2 hours later, at about 11:00pm, after being tested in every single way they could... and feeling a little 'medically molested' as my sister-in-law and i named it {i am extremely shy when it comes to going to the doctor} they informed me that i had an ovarian cyst that had ruptured which was causing internal bleeding.

the bleeding was causing severe pain but unfortunately all you can do is take advil for the internal swelling, medicine for the pain and wait it out.

i am in the waiting period right now.

now you must be wondering how any of this relates to me being happy about going to church.

well...when i got home i was lying with my husband in bed and i was in the best mood i have been in in a long time.

i was thinking about the temple.

the temple is such a blessing. it puts into perspective the important aspects of life and brings the spirit so close to your heart.

i could have been wallowing in my sorrows of pain, but rather the spirit was comforting me and i was happy. PLUS i was overcome with an excitement for going to church in the morning.

i know, without a shadow of a doubt that my feelings were caused by my husband and i going to the temple and the blessing that going to the temple brings into your home.

i am so grateful to be able to live so close to a temple. i am grateful to be able to go to the temple.

i am grateful for the temple and the happiness it brings into my life.

it wont be long before i go back again.

language...

another thought inspired by facebook...

after browsing facebook a few days ago i couldn't help but notice the language many people use. the slang, the swearing, the vulgar comments that blow. my. mind.

it made me think one thing.

i am really lucky.

i am lucky that the people in my life who surround me don't use that language. i am lucky that my husband treats me with respect and doesn't call me names...names that other men wouldn't find offensive at all {but are}.

i cannot believe that a little over 3 years ago that type of talking wouldn't have even made me think twice. {not that i had a trucker's mouth at all, but i just wasn't as sensitive as i am now to swearing etc.}

it's continues to amaze me...{the gospel of Jesus Christ that is}. my life has changed so much...and yet i have not really changed at all.

yes, i don't swear anymore...ok confession...only when i am REALLY mad. {i'm working on that one}.

yes, i don't drink alcohol anymore.

yes, i go to church every single sunday {for 3 hours straight!}

yes, i pray all the time.

yes...well... i guess i have changed.

but i am still kristen. just improved.

stressed

why is it that stress always hits you in one big tsunami wave!?

in my life, as i am sure in most of yours, everything has to happen at once.

for me right now it's finals week, school assignments, planning with my corresponding teacher who will help me with my student teaching {that i will be starting in january!} and meeting the kids in my new classroom, family in town, church callings, buying gifts, and on top of all of that its the busiest time of the year...which just so happens to be the time of year you want to cuddle up on the couch next to your christmas tree with your loved ones and do...nothing! but you continue to shop, go to parties, decorate cookies galore, eat cookies galore, and plan for endless festive activities...

why is life so hectic? scratch that...why do we make life so hectic?! i mean seriously, its crazy!

amidst the hustle and bustle of this holiday season it is my hope that we can all slow it down and take the time to cuddle with our family on the couch and that most of all we can remember what this time of year is all about...

the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

even santa knows what's important...

giving to the poor.

it happens to us all.

whether we are driving in our cars and just outside our window someone is standing with a tattered cardboard sign or we are walking and {it seems like} out of no where a stranger is standing right next to us begging for spare change... we all have run-in's with 'homeless' men and women asking for money.

{the reason i have 'homeless' in quotes is not to belittle what it means to be homeless but rather because of the ever present question of is this person actually homeless.}

anyway...i often struggle with the question of if i should give these people money. without a doubt i would offer spare money i have if i knew that it would not be used on alcohol and drugs, but how do you know for sure?!

my mom used to keep brown paper bags filled with water bottles, granola bars and other snacks to hand individuals expressing hunger and the need for food, just to make sure they can't spend money on boose and while i should probably do this i haven't yet...

in the mean time i try to go by the spirit. in other words, i listen to my gut... if i truly feel like this person is struggling and needs money i will offer what i have...

just two days ago however, i was angered beyond belief by a "poor starving artist living on the street". after finishing my grocery shopping i was leaving the store and practically jumped on by a notorious man in my city who day in and day out stands by our shopping center. he asked for spare change. this man has always intrigued me because i've wondered what all his signs mean {he wears very random signs, and a coat that says 'artist skateboard mike'} and i really did feel bad for him so i scrounged for the very little change i had and i offered it to him. he took the change gratefully and i walked to my car.

while unloading my groceries i realized that the bag of oranges i had bought would never be finished by my husband and i so i ripped a hole in the bag and grabbed a couple oranges to bring back to 'mike'. i was so excited to have something to offer him and when i got back to where he was standing i raised the oranges up and offered them to him...

a look of complete and utter disgust took over his face. and rage began to take over my body. he looked at the oranges, looked at me and then, trying to come up with any excuse he could said, "oranges, uh... don't agree with me". without a word i turned around and walked back to my car.

this is the second time i have offered food to a "starving" person on the side of the road and they've refused to take it with an extremely bad attitude...it makes me angry beyond belief when this happens, i cant help it!

i am not sure about all of you, but if i was starving and living on the streets i would pretty much eat anything, as long as it wouldn't kill me...

i dont really have a moral to the story or reason for this post {as i will continue to struggle with to who and when to give money} however i wanted to share a frustration and question if this has ever happened to any of you? and if it has, does it make your blood boil like mine?! what do you all do when confronted by people asking for money?

being tested...

something has been happening the past few days.

an unusual amount of people around me have not only been bringing up the LDS church, but putting me on the spot.

monday: i was literally called out by my teacher..."who's the mormon in here?" then i was asked endless questions about random 'mormon' things, including how my parents feel about me joining the church. after answering that they are supportive of me being happy {over actually being happy i am mormon} my teacher responded that they are 'weird'. hmmm...

tuesday: another teacher started listing off churches too see who was from what faith. the third church he asked was LDS...i raised my hand...and unlike him moving on to the next on the list of faiths, he stopped and asked a list of questions as well...very similar questions to the ones i was asked the previous day. {others in my class laughed because of how weird it was that this interrogation happened just yesterday as well...i think they felt bad for me}. interestingly, my teacher said that 2 generations back his family was all LDS but they were excomm

unicated from the church because they refused to end their polygamous way, and actually housed polygamous families in their basement when the church {and state} ended the practice and it became illegal.

today: a workout class that i attend regularly has a very outgoing teacher. today randomly she brought up that her best friend when she was growing up was mormon {and she had 15 siblings}...then she TOO asked if anyone in the class was. she, luckily, had no interrogation for me {i think she was just curious}.

from all of this one thing is clear to me.

i am being tested.

heavenly father knows about this post, and he knows that i need to get my confidence levels up.

i will admit this trial has been hard, and kinda scary...but it is an answer to my prayers. i needed help with being able, and comfortable, talking to people about who i am...and this is his way of helping me... literally giving me practice.

be careful what you pray for... he's listening :]