i'm a salmon.

last weekend i had the opportunity to go to a local salmon hatchery.

i know... it sounds really exciting {note my sarcasm}.

the thing is...

it was actually very cool.

when you first arrive, you walk over a small bridge where you can see countless salmon.

these salmon are returning to where they were born.

 after a lifetime of making their way to the icy oceans

 {from this exact hatchery} 

and growing into mature fish,

these salmon return to their birthplace, to reproduce, which will end their life cycle.

 the hundreds of salmon we watched from the bridge were attempting to jump upstream 

passed a man-made fish barrier.

after repeated jumps, these salmon try the alternative underwater flow 

which leads to the fish ladders and ultimately, holding ponds.

the ladders at the hatchery are surrounded by glass walls.

this is to allow observers to watch as the fish use every last ounce of energy they have

 to make it to the holding ponds.

many of the fish die in this process, if not before.

many of the fish in the ladders are clearly bruised, beaten, and sickly.

so, i know you are now wondering why the heck i am writing about salmon.
i promise there is a correlation.

the thing is, after watching these salmon try to make their way back home,
i realized something strange...

we, as christians, are just like the salmon in a sense.
weird analogy, i know, but hear me out...

in the LDS church, we believe that we came to earth from a pre-mortal existence.
we lived with our father in heaven and chose to come to earth.
we are blessed with a body at birth
and are given free agency to make our own choices as we learn and grow.

just like the salmon who leave the hatchery to mature and grow,
and then do everything in their power to return to the hatchery...
we come to earth in order to gain experiences,
 to make choices {hopefully good ones},
to learn,
to develop and to progress into the best people we can,
all so that we can return to heaven again.

so, what are we, 

if not like the salmon...

spending our entire lives trying to build ourselves up.

trying to reach a 'higher ground' {or ladders in the salmon's case...}

trying to be better people.
trying to get home.

{my cute family on the bridge} 

{my sister-in-law and niece looking over the bridge at the salmon} 

{niece and nephew} 

{salmon watching}

{my beautiful niece} 

{grandpa loves his grandkids!}

{i spy a salmon!}

{baby c obviously had a great time too!}

the house that built me.

i was flipping through old photos yesterday.

some made me laugh, a lot made me smile, 

some made me reminisce on years that seem very long ago...

but the one photo that stood out the most to me wasn't a picture of me, or family...

the picture that stood out the most was a picture of the house i grew up in.

when i say grew up in, i mean it literally.

we moved into that house

{after my parents built it from the ground up}

 when i was just 3 years old.

i moved out when i was 18-- 

i went off to college,

and due to their divorce, 

my parents sold the only house i had ever known...

the house that has my handprints in the cement on the garage floor.

the house that i learned to ride a bike in front of...

the house that i had my first real kiss with the husband in front of.

 i am fairly certain i could tell you exactly how many stairs are in each of the staircases.

i could probably walk through the entire house blindfolded and not get hurt.

looking at this single picture brings back a flood of so many memories.

happy memories.

sad memories.

great memories.

memories that have lead me to who i am today.

my first few years in college were rough years for me.

looking back on them, i realize that i struggled with depression worse than i care to admit.

all the changes i was going through definitely attributed to the depression

i know that having to give up the only home i ever knew did too.

have you ever heard the miranda lambert song, "the house that built me"?

she puts into words exactly how i felt:

{"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it 

this brokenness inside me might start healing. 

Out here its like I'm someone else, 

I thought that maybe I could find myself. 

If I could just come in I swear I'll leave. 

Won't take nothing but a memory from the house that built me."}

even though the depression is gone now, and i'm married with a daughter...

i'd be lying if i said i wouldn't want to go back inside.

music.

'popular' music, the music on the radio, in my opinion, is designed to distract you...

meaning-- its music that has a catchy beat, 

but if you truly listen to the words 

it's littered with sex, partying, drugs, and all things worldly and material.

its designed to make you feel good,

to make you think about yourself, to want to dance and have fun.

it's designed to make you feel wanted and attractive.

don't get me wrong, 

you can often find me jamming out to some of the 'popular' tunes on the radio.

i will be the first to admit that.

but the music i listen to is a little bit different these days, especially with baby c in the car.

there is nothing like having a little one to change your perspective.

i've turned off a lot of the 'popular' music on radio stations 

and started being much more selective on what i chose to listen to.

we've been listening to more classical music,

more church hymns,

and now, we will get a chance to listen to lullabies. 

there is nothing like baby lullabies to help you slow down

 and help you truly realize the world around you.

i have noticed since this change i am also a happier person when i drive. 

i am less stressed, and much more patient.

i am not, in any way, saying that you shouldn't listen to the music in the radio,
i just know that the music i listen to dramatically changes my mood.
for example, you wouldn't listen to calming lullabies prior to running a marathon...
you'd want music to pump you up and make you excited.

i would challenge you, 

even if you don't have a child in the car, 

to be more selective with your music choice and see how it makes you feel.

if you are feeling anxious or impatient, in the car especially, 

try switching up the tunes you are listening to.

i think you'll be surprised.

i just burned a cd today and will put it in the car this afternoon.

it totally brought me back to my high school days...

you know, when making mixes and decorating cd's was the cool thing to do. 

so be a cool kid, and go burn a cd! 

woah.

hey there.

hi there.

no, you aren't dreaming. and yes... 

i. am. back.

after almost a year long hiatus, the birth of a child, and a change in careers...

i am officially back on (in?) the blogosphere.

i have wanted to start back at it for a while and after requests from friends, 

and inspiration from a new friend, 

i decided it was time to make my 'big return'.

so hello! 

i hope you'll still have me. 

now, for your patience...

 here's some eye candy for you: 

it was worth the wait, wasn't it?!

struggle.

what do you do

when you want to explain yourself to someone

because you are unhappy

but you know they just...don't understand?

this is my current struggle.

i am definitely not a confrontational person.

{by any means}

but there are times in life when enough is enough

 and you know that if you don't explain how you are feeling

self destruction is just knocking on the door. 

i know i am being very vague
{and eventually i will get around to telling all about it}
but i just want you all to know something:

even when something is hard to do.
do it.

don't wait around, hoping for things to get better
because chances are...they wont.

be strong.
have courage
and have faith in the lord that he will help you.

because he will.