through the eyes of a mormon girl

struggle.

2012-01-11T17:45:00.000-08:00

what do you do

when you want to explain yourself to someone

because you are unhappy

but you know they just...don't understand?

this is my current struggle.

i am definitely not a confrontational person.

{by any means}

but there are times in life when enough is enough

and you know that if you don't explain how you are feeling

self destruction is just knocking on the door.

i know i am being very vague
{and eventually i will get around to telling all about it}
but i just want you all to know something:

even when something is hard to do.
do it.

don't wait around, hoping for things to get better
because chances are...they wont.

be strong.
have courage
and have faith in the lord that he will help you.

because he will.

christmas time

2011-12-04T20:45:00.000-08:00

i love this time of year.

the smell of christmas trees. peppermint hot chocolate.

twinkling lights, wishing for snow and

mostly

i love being with family

and the love you feel at home.

i wish that i felt this happy all year long.

don't you?!

just

love

it!

{2010: picking a tree last year }

magical.

2011-09-18T18:47:00.001-07:00

this is the picture i wanted to share.

amazingly it is completely raw and un-edited.

i think that it is magical...

and i love it!

time

2011-09-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

wow. it has been quite a while hasn't it.

the past few weeks that i have been gone {aka not blogging} have been a whirlwind of learning and growth.

i started teaching, have been spending more time with the husband, more time sleeping, and more time thinking than i feel like...well ever.

isn't it funny,

that when you have nothing going on, you feel like you don't get anything done...

then, when your days are full you make time for whats important and seem to get more done that ever?!

the weekend after school started,

the husband and i drove to eastern washington so that he

could get some footage he needed for a film.

you are probably thinking.

BOO, 5 hours in a car in eastern washington...NOT fun!

but i have to say,

it was one of the best trips i have taken.

i loved having along time with the Mr.

i loved that it was just us.

{i have a picture to share, but amazing technology will not let me...i will save it for later}

i am so grateful at this time to have

a husband who is so loving and supportive.

i wouldn't say that august was our best month of marriage.

{don't get me wrong, everything is fine}

we just...didn't really see each other.

i was so busy planning that i had little time for anything else.

and what did husband say or do about it...

he gave me hugs and kisses every day and each and every day

told me how proud he is of me.

sigh.

i really don't know what i would do without that man.

keys

2011-08-23T07:23:00.000-07:00

i had a good reminder of the power of prayer.

i have been meaning to write about this for a while now.

but, well... you know.

my life is caaaa-razy right now.

so here is the story:

the husband and i were house sitting a little while ago and my sister-in-law and i had headed over to the house to check on the pets.

when we got there and turned the car off

the keys refused to come out of the ignition.

the car was off.

it was in park.

but those stubborn keys would NOT come out.

we tried...over and over and over.

we tried everything.

no luck.

we ended up being able to park the car in the garage

{as we could not lock the car without the keys...duh}

then came the problem.

the next day the husband and i were going to a baptism.

we were trying to figure out what to do because we couldn't both go inside leaving the keys in the car.

we both had to get clothes for the baptism from our apartment...

i went in first and the husband sat in the car on key duty.

i changed and went back to car.

there was husband, walking toward the doors.

keys-in-hand!

i couldn't believe he had gotten them free.

i asked him how he did it..

with a grin he said

"i said a prayer and they just...came out"

all i could do was smile back.

thank you for the reminder darlin'

today

2011-08-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

today, of course, is sunday.

but aren't sunday's supposed to be a day of rest?

i think i have heard that...

...somwhere.

church was eventful...to say the least.

i got to say my prayer

and i got a new calling!

{more on this later}

it was busy busy busy.

and then...it didn't slow down.

from the moment i have gotten home i have been:

cutting

gluing

typing

labeling

planning

stressing

and mostly sweating!

i am not kidding you,

it is 1,000 degrees in our apartment

and i am sweating just sitting in one place.

{sick, i know}

anyway...it has not been one of those sundays that i like.

it has been one of those that feels more like a...

monday.

boo.

i told you so.

2011-08-18T17:22:00.000-07:00

see...i told you he is going crazy.

this is what happens when i leave the husband

stranded

for a whole week

at our apartment

without a car...

yikes.

neglect.

2011-08-17T23:09:00.000-07:00

the neglect of this here blog this week is not due to a lack of thoughts.

trust me i have plenty of them...

its due to the fact i have to take a completely empty classroom

and turn it in to a first grade paradise.

this means 6:00am-10:00pm i am buuuuusy.

this is the husband and i...

i am going a little crazy. i think he is too....

the city

2011-08-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

so it's settled then.

i am moving to the country...

well, not really. but i really do want to.

{the husband thinks i am crazy}

i am so tired of ~~stupid~~ lovely city people.

there is too much focus on the material goods of life.

too much stress.

too much pressure to look, act, and be perfect...and to fit in with everyone.

it's just too fast paced.

too...irritating.

i want to get out of all of it.

SO i have decided i am moving to the country.

it's better there.

i am going to go put on a pair of overalls now and chew on some wheat...

thats all.

happy weekend.

aha!

2011-08-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

yesterday i had a big aHA moment.

i was sitting in the chapel, waiting for church to start

heart beating, very fast, as i prepared to say the opening prayer for our sacrament meeting.

the husband was scheduled to say the prayer but he had to leave unexpectedly to pick someone up

so it was all up to me.

and then the bishop announced that someone else was saying the prayer.

part of me said "phew"

the other part was a little sad...weird i know.

anyway...

that set me up for the rest of sacrament meeting.

i was feeling the spirit really strongly yesterday.

then i realized why.

i have been expecting the feel the spirit as of lately, and often times i do not feel it.

this can be really frustrating.

i want the spirit to be with me all the time, but the problem is...that it isnt.

then the aHA came.

i cannot expect the spirit to be with me if i am not actively pursuing it.

the key word here folks is actively.

without a doubt the spirit will be with me if I am actively seeking the spirit and doing the right things...

if i pray.

if i read the scriptures.

if i actually pay attention in church...

rather than tuning out merely hoping that i can feel the spirit...

if i do all the right things...

i will feel the spirit.

why is something so simple like this so hard to figure out sometimes?!

1 year...

2011-08-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

happy anniversary to the most handsome husband in all the land!

one year and counting....

we've only got, oh... an eternity more!

i am one lucky girl.

doubts.

2011-08-04T11:38:00.000-07:00

here's another formspring question and answer....

did you have doubts right before converting? have you had doubts since?

i have answered the first bit of this one before...

in "the letter"

"i had lost the confidence i had in my decision to be baptized and was so nervous i didn't think i would make it through the night. before i left my boyfriends house that evening he stopped me and said that he had forgotten to give me something...it was a letter from one of the missionaries father..."

{http://throughtheeyesofamormon.blogspot.com/2010/01/letter.html}

it's funny how the spirit and the adversary work...

i had all the confidence in the world with my choice to be baptized...

but the night before my baptism the adversary tried to knock me down as hard as he could.

i am grateful for the love and support that i had and still have, or else my choice would have been much harder.

my baptism would still have happened, but it would have been much more difficult to get into that water.

as for today, and doubts that may have arisen...they haven't.

yes living a "mormon lifestyle" isn't always the easiest...

we live in a day and age where promiscuity and drinking is almost expected.
that is not me, nor will it ever be, but i am ridiculed for not being like everyone else.

does it make it harder to find true friends?

yes.

does it give me doubts about my choice?

never.

i know that my choice was the right one to make.

i know that i am where i need to be.

again?!

2011-08-03T11:05:00.000-07:00

it happened again...

and i swear i am being followed.

whenever i am struggling or issues in my life have come up,

that sunday at church something weird happens.

it happened last sunday.

i was at church like usual, paying attention to all the lessons that every one had prepared like normal when i went to relief society {the class for women only}

as i listened, i realized that the lesson being taught

was addressing, quite literally, all the problems that i was facing that week.

i could not have planned a better lesson for

what i was going through...it brought tears to my eyes.

i was overwhelmed by the spirit in the room.

so then, who is following me and telling the teachers

exactly what to say?!

because it is definitely not just a coincidence.

and it happens all the time!

confessions of a convert.

2011-07-26T16:01:00.000-07:00

i received a few questions on formspring {due to yesterday's post}

i will be answering them all...

but here is the first:

question: hardest part about converting?

this is an easy one for me...

although i hate to admit it.

thus it is a great addition to my "confessions" series.

the hardest part about converting, for me, was the instant label/ stereotype that i was giving myself.

when most people hear the word "mormon" it isn't usually the best of thoughts that pops into their head.

and i was one of those people...so i know.

it was extremely hard for me to realize that if i joined the church

i would be a "mormon"...

why did there have to be such a negative connotation to the word?!

i still struggle with this, to a much lesser degree.

occasionally i get nervous for people to find out what religion i am...

i don't want them to think differently about me because of what i believe in.

and especially not because of stereotypes and rumors.

what do you want to know?!

2011-07-25T16:30:00.000-07:00

is there something you have been just dying for me to blog about?

an aspect of my conversion story

or about my life now?

now's your chance to ask...

formspring me!

i will post the questions and answers on this here blog.

it's anonymous so you don't have to be worried about the question you ask...

so what are you waiting for?

ask away!

{and remember no question is a bad one!}

<a href="http://www.formspring.me/LDSeyes">http://www.formspring.me/LDSeyes</a>

no words.

2011-07-23T14:16:00.000-07:00

my heart is truly hurting right now...

i am literally in pain because of all of the sadness and suffering

that goes on in our world every day.

i am especially hurting for norway right now...

i hate that this type of event can happen to innocent people.

i hate that there is nothing i can do about it,

and nothing i can do to prevent it from happening again.

my heart is with all the family, friends, loved ones, and any one

who has been affected by this tragedy.

my prayers are with you all.

o-ficially done.

2011-07-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

i did it!

i am officially done with my master's in teaching program.

phew.

it has been a long year.

to say the least.

i have learned a lot.

prepared a lot.

stressed out...a lot.

neglected the husband a lot.

lost sleep...a lot.

and gone a little crazy.

but it has been oh, so worth it...becuase I AM DONE!

{hopefully i will be able to teach this little guy some day!}

that's all!

happy friday friends!

confessions of a convert.

2011-07-20T15:42:00.000-07:00

so anyone who knows a bunch about the LDS church knows about callings.

a calling is when you are asked to be a specific position in the church...it might be a sunday school teacher, a leadership position, or you {if you are a male with the priesthood} might even be called to be the bishop...but all of these positions are unpaid, and done by faith and obedience.

please...tell me if the following is a convert thing:

i am pretty sure i want every-single-calling possible that i could have...

when i think of what i would like to do

{and remember you don't pick your callings, so this was just daydreaming really}

i'll think of one calling, like being a relief society teacher, and then all of a sudden i think of a completely different calling, like working with the young women of the church {high school age} and knowing i would love that as well...

i get excited for every opportunity that is out there for me!

here comes the kicker...

remember this confession....

i asked to be released from my last calling...

which you just don't typically do...

so who am i kidding, i probably don't deserve one at all!

but i am ready when it happens!

me! a photographer?!

2011-07-15T13:23:00.000-07:00

the husband and i are taking our friends' engagement pictures today...
have we ever taken any one's engagement pictures before?
well...no.

last month we shot a different friend's wedding video.

i am noticing a trend here...and yikes.
i am pretty sure wedding photography is not on my resume.
nor do i claim to be a good photographer...
but here goes nothing!

i will let you know how it goes!
{fingers are crossed it goes well!}

video.

2011-07-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

the husband just finished a new video, and i just have to show you.

every time he creates a new video i am more and more impressed...its insanity.
i am thinking he should take over my blog because he has a waaaayy with words, i tell ya!

this particular video is about finding spirituality...

it was inspired by a hike he took a year ago with our brother-in-law.

take the time to watch the video...you will not be disappointed.

wedding pictures.

2011-07-12T13:09:00.000-07:00

due to many requests...here are some wedding pictures!

confessions of a convert.

2011-07-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

this blog is about my life through mormon eyes right?

right.

on that note, i have something to share...

mormons talk about church a lot.

this is something i used to give my husband a hard time about {in a cute, joking way of course}... i used to tease him that he could take any conversation and "bring it back to church". in other words, he could relate anything to something "churchy".

what i have realized though is that as a member of the LDS church, church comes up every day. i am not talking a mention of the word "church", i am talking a full conversation, literally everyday, comes up naturally no matter how your day is going or what you are doing.

it is because being LDS it isn't just something you do on sunday, it is a lifestyle change. it is a part of who you are.

you could be on a date, with friends, at dinner, with family, at a theme park...it doesn't matter. sometime during the day church will come up.

i know that this is not true of other faiths...because i have lived another faith...i have friends and family of other faiths...i know many people of other faiths... it may be true of some church going people, but seriously...who talks about church everyday?!

well...i do. and i like it.

and that is my confession.

the fourth.

2011-07-06T13:49:00.000-07:00

we are back! after 2 days of tent sleeping, pigging out, and having a blast...we are back home and trying to get back into 'normal' day to day stuff again.

i love the fourth of july...

spending time with family...

watching fireworks...

eating s'mores by the fire...

playing on the beach...

it just doesn't get much better that that.

{feeling patriotic!}

{this was the husband and my residence for the weekend...very chic, we know...}

{playing bocce ball on the beach, a favorite family beach game.}

{enjoying the sunshine!}

the temple.

2011-07-02T16:57:00.000-07:00

we finally made it to the temple again... and can i just say, there is not a more serene, calm place that exists on this earth.

i felt like time had literally slowed down, and the husband and i could have been in there forever and not missed a thing going on in the hustle and bustle of life! i wish that the husband and i would be motivated to go more often...

why do we all, as humans, have bursts of motivation followed by periods of pure and utter laziness and lack of care?!

it happens to everyone with work, school work, hobbies, working out, and really anything...i just wish it didn't.

if any of you out there have a magic tip about keeping motivation alive, holler at your girl. ;-p

i wont be back until after the holiday weekend...have a WONDERFUL fourth of july, i will 'see' you all soon!

dandelions always remind me of a firework!
so...if you cannot have fireworks where you live this weekend,
find some of the puppies and blow away!
{but don't forget to make a wish!!}

can't hold it in any longer!!

2011-06-29T12:37:00.000-07:00

i am going to be a FIRST GRADE TEACHER next year!!

i just got the call, and i am literally bursting at the seams.

this has been amazing year, and i cannot believe i am being blessed with...

my dream job!!!

more about me...

2011-06-27T21:18:00.000-07:00

so i realized, because of a question asked on formspring {thank you} that i have told you all a lot about my life, but little about me!

here is a quick run down...if it sparks more questions in your mind, go ahead and ask will ya! :)

i was born in california.
my family moved to washington when i was 2.
i have 3 older brothers (twins 5 years older than me, and the other brother is two years older than me. we look nothing alike. trust me... or just look below.

i love my mom, and we have always been very close. i tell her everything.
i obviously have a dad too, of who(m?) i love dearly as well. i was a daddy's girl growing up. i think that happens when you are the only girl.
my parents announced their divorce when i was going into my senior year in high school.
i have now inherited a step-mom and two step-siblings...only they are who they are, i don't like the whole "step" title. they are really my dad's wife and her kids.

And for some randoms:

i refused to wear pants when i was younger. my family had to trick me into grandmother-made jumpers by calling them "bubbles".

{sweet "bubble" huh?!}

disneyland is one of my absolute favorite places on earth.
i have a very rational fear of spiders of any size.
i have a very irrational fear of anyone who looks like Carrot Top...especially of course, Carrot Top himself.
i am obsessed with desserts, chocolate and sugar. yummm.

{some things never change}

i love the beach, car trips, and any vacation.
i love to dance {grew up dancing, which evolved into cheerleading, which i did through freshmen year in college}
i like to take pictures.
i hate to read.

{some things definitely change!}

my favorite color has ~~always~~ been purple... i lied. there was a 2 week {literally} period when my favorite color was blue. {i was 7, i wanted to be the same as my best friend. didn't last long. purple rocks}
i am a hopeless romantic
i married my first love.
i love life... and all of its ups and downs.

i hope that tells you a little more about me. now i want to know more about you! so answer this one:

do you have any irrational fears...that are, of course, rational to you?!

confession of a convert.

2011-06-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

i had just finished dinner with the husbands family when my phone rang. i answered the phone to hear a lot of commotion and my brother saying, "hi, i have a really random question"...not thinking much of the situation i said "okkkk...."

this is what he said, "is it true mormons have to give 10% of their income to temple?"

OK... random is right, that really came out of left field! my brother is a self-proclaimed atheist so i am wondering at this point, which of his friends brought that up, and what else are they talking about?!

i answered his question, "well, we do pay a tithing of 10% of our income, but it doesn't just go to the temples. there are many other things the money goes to. it is also a choice to pay tithing, no one can make you do anything, we all can choose to pay or not, that is between us and the Lord."

he just couldn't seem to get over this fact...asking me how they monitor if we really pay 10%, if they check our pay checks and what they do if we don't pay the money...after explaining that it is all based on honesty he seemed to understand. i related tithing to the offerings made in the episcopal church we grew up in, this helped tithing make much more sense to him.

we finished our conversation with me reminding him that if he ever reads or hears something weird about the church to make sure he asks me before believing what he hears and he said "i know, i figured i would call you and brett because you are the the ones i trust about this stuff"

i am so happy that my brother was able to call me and ask for the truth about something one of his friends was just throwing around in a conversation.

it also made me a little sick to my stomach to think that my brother and his friends were talking about the church, when none of them are members. i know what a lot of people think about the church, and it isn't all good.

so here is the confession: it sucks to know that my family hears a lot of garbage and false truths about the church, and most likely believes it...it sucks to know that my family talks about me behind my back.

{my brother and i on top of tiger mountain}

change.

2011-06-23T17:45:00.000-07:00

some things need to change...

you know when you are listening to the radio and you keep hearing songs that make you think, "i swear that song was written for me!" or "that is exactly how i feel!"... well that has been happening to me a little too much lately.

i keep hearing songs which make me think that i need to work on this or that. i think it is the holy ghost trying to get me to hear what it has to say...because i am not doing a very good job listening these days.

ugh. i hate the ruts we put ourselves in!

but like i said some things are going to change starting now.

why is it that when i ask the husband to do something for me, could be as simple as getting me a glass of water, he does it, willingly...but when he asks me to do the same for him i have the worst attitude like it's a pain in the you know what?!

my life got so stressful and so overwhleming that i lost sense of what is really important...and that is not me... its those around me.

my goal, and please, feel free to hold me accoutable {message me, email me, formspring me, etc}, is to be as selfless as i can be.

its not my time anymore, its time for everyone else... especially the handsome husband i have who is sitting right next to me, oblivious i am writing this all about him! :)

{it's time for your babes}

inspirational.

2011-06-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

i wanted to share a video that the husband made...

he has a video production company and makes boring (but really good) business videos for his job.

however, in his spare time he comes up with videos like this one... i think he has a gift, but then again, i might be a little biased...

enjoy! :)

new camera.

2011-06-21T11:56:00.000-07:00

i am so excited about my new camera!

new camera= more pictures on the blog. i have gotten a lot of requests for more pictures...i haven't heard anything the other way, and if you enjoy just the writing, please, let me know! i would love any and all opinions of you readers out there. ;)

anyway, like i said in my birthday blog post, the husband killed me (almost) by buying me my dream camera. now i just like to snap shots of whatever is around me. i thought i w

ould share a few pictures that i have taken...just for fun! :)

{my cute nephew looking for bugs on his finger}

{admiring natures beauty}

{gotta love a man in uniform...and yes that is my man!}

;]

going to a wedding.

2011-06-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

i am going to a wedding today.

the husband has been asked if he would video/photograph the wedding as the wedding is a good friend's. the guy has never shot a wedding before, is very nervous, and has been watching video tutorials for about a week straight to get some new shot ideas and camera adjustments. (i know he will do an amazing job. the man pours his heart and soul into ever project he does).

anyway, going to a wedding obviously makes me reflect on my own wedding. but mostly, because the wedding we are going to is not an LDS wedding, it makes me reflect upon the temple. it is a reminder to me how special my wedding day was...

when the husband and i were sealed, it was indescribable. the spirit inside the temple was so strong that day that i knew i was where i needed to be. i knew i had made the right, although insanely tough, decision to be married away from my family (who are not LDS) and be married/sealed in the temple. the temple is a remarkable place. i wish i could relive my wedding day over and over.

the husband and i coming out of the temple. you can read more about my wedding day here.

"psh, dumb kids. i never was a kid, really."

2011-06-17T22:52:00.000-07:00

what is it with some people?

i just left my end of the school year celebration with my first graders...the one where i promised i would wait to cry until i got home...felt tears forming, but bit my lip as hard as i could and held it back! success. (how awkward would it be to break into the ugly cry with all the parents there?!)

i am going to miss this group of first graders SO much! :( i had the best time student teaching. it has been an unforgettable experience.

but it has made me think about something.

it is obvious by my career path that i love children. what i don't get is how there are so many people in this world that don't like kids, that have that "i never was a kid attitude" and no patience. who do you think are you?!

i understand those who don't want to be a teacher, but how can you look at a child and not smile. they are so full of love and innocence.

the other day a woman walking out of a parking lot into a crosswalk got extremely mad at a young boy, no older than 6, for being "in her way" when she was definitely the one who did not have the "right of way" as she walked directly into his path without looking.

it made me sad that she was so upset at such a young child, when it was not even his fault. ok, ok... maybe she was having a bad day...but still, he's just a kid!

the Savior taught us to be as little children. to be meek, humble, full of love, innocence and to be mold-able. if we can always keep this in mind, not only will we be more understanding, but we will be able to find true happiness in life.

look to the children in your life as examples of who you should be.

confessions of a convert.

2011-06-10T23:59:00.001-07:00

it is never fun to be made fun of. i thought that bullying and being picked on ended in high school... boy was i wrong.

being a member of the church can be really hard sometimes. to be blunt, when you are baptized you are giving yourself a label. to those people who don't know anything about the church, that label can be a very negative one.

the other day i went to a small gathering (5 people total) with teachers from the school that i am interning at. the host was very excited to be serving margaritas... and eager to pass them out.

at this point, i don't think any of the other teachers knew that i was mormon, just that i didn't drink coffee...not drinking alcohol at this party would be a definite give away...(who on earth doesn't drink coffee or alcohol besides a mormon?! come on people, i mean seriously?!)

i obviously said "no thank you" to the margarita, as did one other woman...but OF COURSE i was the one that was singled out for it...

it was clear at this point that one teacher knew exactly "what i was" and she was not a fan.

little jabs about not drinking and being immature started to come out.

at one point she even went into the kitchen to get a re-fill, i glanced into the kitchen to see what was going on and she said "oh, kristen is watching, better be careful!"

i was hurt, mad, embarrassed, and did not want to be at the party any longer.

i never ever said anything about drinking being bad... i never said they shouldn't drink. i wasn't the only one not drinking, so why do she find the need to make fun of me?!

so here's the confession...sometimes being a member of the LDS church is hard, especially being in a crowd of non-members. you might get set apart by others for negative reasons, put down, made fun of, and sometimes laughed at...

i found it hard to handle, and i left in tears.

the husband tells me it will get better. he says that growing up in the church you hear that stuff all the time and grow a thick skin.

my skin is getting thicker each day. i am proud to be who i am. i am proud to be a member of the LDS church. i am proud of each and every decision i make.

it just sucks that at 24 years old i still have to deal with stupid bullies.

ugh.

my birthday.

2011-05-30T12:34:00.001-07:00

do you remember me? i used to blog. and then i got busy, stressed and had a birthday!

lets rewind to may 28th...

i had such a wonderful, fun filled birthday weekend. the husband took me to dinner and a movie on saturday to celebrate a day early, then about killed me, with shock, when he gave me a new camera for my birthday! i was SO surprised!

saturday, the 29th, on the actual day of my birth te-hee, my dad took the husband and i to dinner. it was delicious! after dinner we went to my father-in-laws where my sister-in-law had made me the coolest cake in the shape of a 24! she's a creative one she is...

isn't it awesome!

again i was in dis-belief when i opened up the gift from her family......the

y got me american idol live tickets!!! no judging now, i am about 12 years old and i am so excited it hurts. now i just have to wait until july 8th. time kills.

that is pure shock right there...

to top off this fun filled weekend, one of my all time life-long dream/goals came true. the husband, brother and i went hiking this morning and we looked up and in front of us was....A BEAR! of course, my dream is coming true and what do i do?...oh i definitely ran the other direction...and i was the one with the camera. drrrrrrr. oops. well at least i got one paparazzi shot for proof.

(although the bear was literally in the middle of the trail, perfectly visible, and i snapped this after it walked away). oh well.

hope you're doing well! i feel like i have been letting everyone down by not posting...life is slowing down, i will be around more :)

confessions of a convert.

2011-05-11T19:04:00.000-07:00

i will come right out an say it...i miss taking the discussions and preparing for my baptism! i know, i know...it has been 3 years, but i miss the excitement and the joy that a baptism brings.

now, i love going to baptisms. they all make me cry. it doesn't matter who it is, or when it is...i cry.

i can't help it!

i just get so excited for the person, and then i think about how far i have come, and how different my life is! it is really amazing.

SO...

i am beyond excited for this weekend.

the husband's cousin is getting baptized! she is *19 years old and the sweetest thing ever. she grew up knowing about the church, but never had the opportunity to be baptized...and now, at *19, she is making the choice to be baptized!

i cannot wait to go and watch her baptism and i am so SO excited for her!

congratulations chelsea! you are amazing!!!!!

a woman's worth

2011-05-06T17:35:00.000-07:00

this post is for the ladies...sorry boys!

last sunday at church, there was a lesson about "motherhood"...yes, it probably should have been saved for this weekend...but that is ok. :)

we talked about the fact that every woman, with child or not, is a mother. we can be a mother to our friends, a mother to our family, a mother to those around us...a mother to or for pretty much anyone.

i loved that the lesson wasn't only focused on those who have children...there are many who either cannot have children, are having trouble with getting pregnant, have lost children, aren't in their child-bearing stage of life (aka me) and everything in between.

but the main point, like i said, is that all women are mothers.

i agree.

do we not all, as women, have that innate, sensitive, caring bone within us?!

i think all women do... it's just a fact: women are more sensitive (and way awesome...-er) than men. :)

i am so excited to be a mother when the right time comes... but until then, i will be a mother in other ways... for other's that might need a mother. (thinking especially of the little first graders in my class who need a little extra 'mom' time in their life because they are not getting the time at home. {insert breaking heart sound here})

i am sending my love to you all and wishing you a wonderful mother's day weekend! tell a mother, grandmother, friend, or anyone for that matter, how much you care for them... and please don't forget how blessed you are... all of you.

confession of a...human

2011-04-30T10:50:00.001-07:00

i sincerely apologize for the lack of posts.

with health issues, stress, school, and well...life, i haven't felt very 'spiritual' lately, and seeing as it is that type of blog, well i have been pretty much muted for the time being.

i will get out of it...soon i hope.

in the mean time, does anyone have any questions or ideas of topics they would like me to blog about? If you want it to be annonymous, send it through formspring and I can read the question there, then post it to my blog. (it doesn't neccesarily need to be churchy either...you can ask {pretty much} anything...and i will do my best to get to a blog post about it!)

hope you are all having a wonderful weekend!

easter...late!

2011-04-26T16:07:00.001-07:00

i hope you all had a wonderful easter! {i know, i know... i am WAY late...but thats just how i am these days. behind on everything}

i love easter. i love the story of the first easter, and the spirit that it brings every time i hear it.

can you imagine how mary must have felt?! i cannot even dream to understand how she felt, and it makes me wonder how i will feel when i really meet him...wow.

i love that i celebrated easter pre-baptism, and i still get to. score.

i love those similarities. it makes me feel at home talking about stories i know! :] remember this?!

i mostly loved that i sang my favorite easter hymn in church, "Christ the Lord is risen today"...i sang that growing up in the episcopal church and it is also in the LDS hymn book. double score.

anyway, i hope you all had an amazing easter!

any fun traditions that you all do on easter?!

3 years.

2011-04-19T23:17:00.000-07:00

it has been 3 years since this day.

time is a blur these days and i hadn't really thought about this until tonight.

i was asked by a stranger (now a new friend) how long i had been a member of the church. i realized it was the 19th and quickly remembered that i share this special day with my brother-in-law who has a birthday today.

i told her that it is exactly 3 years today that i have been a member!

with a smile, the new friend said "that is wonderful!"

all i could come up with to reply was, "it is, isn't it."

i cannot truly express how different my life is now versus before joining the church.

thinking back on all the years i spent without the impact and blessings of the church, i wonder sometimes how i made it through.

i am not going to get all preachy on all of you, because that is the LAST thing i want to do.

i just want you all to know how happy this mormon girl is...

i see everything through my eyes, through the eyes of a mormon girl, more clearly.

love you all.

goodnight.

my reminder to pray.

2011-04-14T23:20:00.000-07:00

why is it, that in the times that i need to the most, i forget to pray?

whenever i am mad...stressed...feeling overwhelmed...or completely ill or in pain, i never remember to reach out to my heavenly father and ask for help. yes, i remember to pray every night (and some mornings...mini-confession, i am awful at remembering in the morning).

is it 'the opposition' trying to drag me down to an even deeper pit of despair than i already feel? is it my attitude and my inability to let the spirit into my life no matter who much it wants to help?!

why must the husband remind me to say my prayers when i am feeling these ways, and why, WHY when he does remind me, do i get mad that he told me to pray and resist even more?

i am reminded of a story, of being reminded to pray, that i heard from a mother...and she's a reader, so i hope she doesn't mind me sharing...no names though ;)

this 'mother' was completely overwhelmed...stressed beyond belief (as most mom's tend to feel i am sure)... needing to get out the door to go one place or another the mother realized she had lost her keys. enlisting her children's help (all under age 9) they turned her home literally upside down trying to find the keys...no luck. the keys were no where to be found. in frustration, the mother continued to look when one of her children said to her, "mom, let's say a prayer". and they did. and their prayers were answered. they found the keys.

i was so amazed (and jealous mostly) by the faith of the little boy. he knows that when we need help, even if it is to find keys, we can pray to our Heavenly Father because He IS listening. always.

i think that we can all learn a lesson from this story.

no prayer goes unanswered. no prayer is too small (or too big!).

and lastly, prayer is a gift we have been given by our Father in Heaven. We all need to remember to pray...and to have a prayer in our hearts, always.

(it isn't so bad to be reminded every now and then either, but that's for me to remember!)

the same.

2011-04-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

today i went to church at a different building than normal.

we decided to go to church at the husband's cousin's ward building rather than ours (the one his cousin has been coming to) so that she can get to know the people around where she lives.

(for those non-members, LDS church members go to church at buildings based on boundaries where they live)

it was a wonderful experience and it really made me reflect on the LDS church compared to other churches.

i will use my old denomination of church (episcopal) as an example.

i could go to 8 different episcopal churches on the same day and each would have a different sermon, a different set-up and essentially different beliefs based on what the pastor believes. in fact you could ask 8 episcopals what they believe and most likely they would all have something different to say as far as their personal beliefs.

the thing i love about going to the LDS church is that no matter where you go it will be the same! church meetings will all have the same organization, sacrament meeting will always be the same, the classes will be teaching the same material and everything has the same structure...

but most importantly, and different than almost all churches, is that no matter what LDS member you ask, they will express to you the same basic beliefs.

i love that the church teaches us exactly what we believe...and that through the holy spirit we can come to know that the church teaches the truth.

i love that when someone asks me a question about my faith i can tell them what i, and what the church believes and teaches...

it is amazing to me that from washington state to florida, to france, to australia and china the church is all the same...just different people. :)

i love it.

i love it all!

i'm back and with a confession!

2011-04-05T21:13:00.000-07:00

hi all!

i am so sorry it has been so long! a lot has happened. a lot has been on my mind. and now i have time to write.

finally.

today has been a very hard day.

i just got back from an amazing trip to arizona to see the husbands grandparents. it was wonderful being there, and soaking in the sunshine (i almost forgot there was a sun it's been so gray in seattle).

HOWEVER, i had to leave the husband down south.

yup, i had to catch a flight home to make sure i got to class by 4:00 this evening and the husband along with his brother and sister-in-law and our cute 2-year-old nephew are still having fun in the sun.

the second we got to the airport and he turned to give me a hug i started to cry. a) because i really wanted to stay and b) (the main reason) i did not want to leave the husband. i HATE not being with him. it makes me sick to my stomach.

then...i got on the plane and had the WORST flight ever:

-sitting next to the craziest child ever (i hate to say it, but she was such a bratty little girl!) and i love kids, especially sitting by them on planes because it allows for some entertainment, but this little 3 year-old was something else...i wish i was far, far away from her, we are talking screaming bloody murder (for the entire flight) because of reasons like her mom tied her shoe too tight, then too lose, then too tight. you get the picture.

-i spilled my pop in my lap...but it didn't look like i spilled pop, it landed so that it looked perfectly like i peed my pants. (the flight attendant wouldn't help me...she gave me 2 of those measly napkins for the entire mess). i had people STARRING at me. it was so embarrassing. i went into the bathroom to try to dry my pants and stayed in the tiny thing for 10 minutes crying.

-when i finally got the courage to go back to my seat and sat down with my laptop...i hear "I HAVE TO PEEEEEE". screaming in my ear was the lovely 3 year old. great.

then i had no time to go home and had to go straight to school and sit through 3 hours of the worst class ever.

THEN i raced to the house i am house sitting to let out their dogs and was locked out of the house because the girl that was taking care of the house while i was in AZ locked the only door i am able to get in. (i am finally in now).

ugh.

needless to say, i am glad this day is over. (but not glad i don't get the much needed therapeutic hug from the husband when i need it the most).

_____________________________________________

so now for the confession:

every six months in the LDS church is something called "general conference". general conference is a semiannual gathering of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. during general conference weekend, church members and others who are interested gather worldwide in a series of two-hour sessions to receive inspiration and instruction from church leaders

there are 2 2-hour 'sessions' on saturday and 2 2-hour 'sessions' on sunday.

total sessions that i watched: zero.

confession: i was lying in the sun, by the pool instead of watching conference (which i should have been doing).

conference is LONG. even longer than the 3 hour church sessions i just wrote about... we are talking 8 hours of church in one weekend!

now before you go thinking i am the worst person ever, here is the good news: i (anyone) can watch videos of all the talks given at lds.org and also there is an LDS magazine called the "Ensign" that has a 'conference issue' that will be coming out which will have all the talks published in it!

so yes, i didn't watch it live but yes i did pre-plan to not watch conference and to read/watch the talks when i got home.

did any of you out there watch conference? what were you favorites talks this time? OR if you are a non-lds reader, do you have ANY questions!?

i hope you are all doing wonderful!

confessions of a convert.

2011-03-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

i will just get right out there and say it...

3 hours is a LONG time to be at church.

i sat in on a missionary discussion this week...the husband's cousin in taking the missionary discussions and i decided to listen in.

woah...dejavu of a whole year of my life! i had so many missionary lessons i could probably teach some of them! :/

the husbands cousin has come to church the past few sundays and only stayed for the first hour...well in the lesson i sort of, well actually completely blurted out to his cousin, "you should come with me to relief society!" (relief society is the 3rd hour of church on sunday. all the women get together and have their own class, and all the men get together to have their own class. it's awesome!)

anyway... a) awkward, did i really just blurt that out?! and b) what if she doesnt want to come and i just totally pressured her?!

then i got to thinking...if i didn't have a testimony of church (which i gained after going consistently), 3 hours would seem like a ridiculous amount of church!

on second thought, 3 hours is a long time...no matter who you are!

ok, so even though its a long time, and yes i get really hungry, and yes i daze off sometimes because maaaaybe i should have gone to bed earlier the night before... church is amazing.

i learn so much at church it is ridiculous and i know from my years of life without going to church that it is OH-SO-IMPORTANT to be spiritually fed.

also, we (meaning i) must remember that it is a blessing to be able to even attend church. many people in this world are oppressed, they are forced into religions they don't believe, or forbidden to go to church.

attending church is a remarkable blessing that i have in this day and age...it is one that should not be taken for granted.

i would stay any amount of hours at church if it meant the difference between going to church or not at all.

my trip and some thoughts.

2011-03-18T16:19:00.000-07:00

i just want to start out by saying...

charleston, south carolina is one of the most beautiful places i have ever been.

i am not exaggerating.

you know how usually you go on vacation and then by the end you want to go home, or at least you are excited to be home?!

nope. not this time. the husband and i didn't want to leave and we are already eager to go back some day in the future.

the rich history that surrounded us- plantation homes, historic battle fields, homes that housed the first president's of the united states...i mean seriously, how cool is that!?

not to mention, the architecture and charm of the city is unbeatable. being in charleston made me wonder what on earth we have done to our architecture. it doesn't get more beautiful than this:

yes, this is the house in the notebook. :]

i am pretty sure i took about a bazillion pictures of just houses and buildings because they were so beautiful.

i loved that charleston is proud of their history too... they have laws that prohibit anyone from removing ANYTHING over 75 years old...even if it is a tree branch that falls in the road, nature must take it's course. it was also awesome because a lot of the outdoor lights on houses are actually real flames and the city pays for them because they preserve the historic nature of the city...they are on 24/7 just like they were back in "the day"!

pretty awesome huh?!

anyway, one of the most interesting things about charleston was how many churches there are (and you thought utah was bad...) i mean we are talking steeples EVERYWHERE!

charleston is home to some of the oldest churches in our countries entire history!

lots of churches means LOTS of religious people.

on our last day, we were sitting in a 'chick-fil-a' (so good by-the-way) and an entire section of people in the restaurant grabbed hands and started to pray...not just any praying, i am talking intense-nodding-of-the-head-"amen"-interjections-type praying. it was a sight to see because...confession...i don't think i could EVER bust my heart out in a prayer in the middle of a fast-food restaurant and that just DOES NOT happen where i am from!

i have so much respect for those who are comfortable praying/preaching in public, no matter who you are or what religion you come from..because i am definitely not comfortable doing that.

seeing the way that the people in charleston accept religion was refreshing. it is so different than where i live in seattle.

seattle is one of the least religious states in the nation. you say your christian to someone and they will run the other direction half the time. to be honest, it makes me hate bringing up religion in any conversation.

for example, you are talking about a friend, and the other person asks, "where do you know them from?" and you say, "church". the response, "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". or in some cases you get, "what church" and when i proceed to say the LDS church i get a wide-eyed stare back. its great. (not).

i am sorry for the random jumbled thoughts that make this post...but i swear i have re-written it 12x and my point that i want to make is just not coming out the way i want...ugh.

i think it's because i left my mind back in charleston. ;]

anyway, a) charleston rocks. b) charleston is very christian oriented which i like...which leads me to c) seattle needs to be less judgemental and more open to religious viewpoints.

there you go...my ideas in a, b, c, format.

and i'm done.

my talk.

2011-03-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

needless to say, i'm glad this is over and done with! :]

talking in church is sta-ressssssful!

so here it is, spelling/gramatical errors and all...oh and happy sunday!

“Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts.”

“And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.”

“And by the Power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.”

So what does this mean?

Members of the church are very familiar with these verses. They might even be the most well known, or infamous versus of the Book of Mormon.

It is because of these 3 versus, I am standing here before you as a member of the church, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Whether you were born into the church or converted to it, your story is really no different than mine in that we all have to gain a testimony of our own… we have to come to know the truth for ourselves. A truth that no one can force upon you or make you believe, a truth that only you can find for yourself.

For some, this truth may come quickly and easily… for others, like me, it may take a bit longer or be later in life…

Anyone with a question naturally wants an answer. In the world we live in today, finding the answers to our questions can be very easy. When we have a question we have to merely type it into Google, and with the click of a button we are looking at hundreds of answers to our question.

Sometimes I wish that all my questions could be answered this easily and I am sure that many of you agree…but I know that this is not the case. When life throws us curveballs… when we are sick, when we are in need of help, when we don’t know the right path that we should be taking, we cannot just sit on our computers and wait for a search engine to tell us what to do…we must be proactive and search our answers out. But we also must remember,

Answers don’t always come when you want them or need them.

Answers don’t always come in the way we expect them either.

4 years ago I was struggling in one of the hardest times of my life. I wasn’t a member of the church and I was going through depression, the stress of college, friendships breaking, family becoming more distant and changing from what I always knew it to be and just about everything in between.

It was in this time that I started to meet with the missionaries. The missionaries did their thing…they taught me the lessons, one by one…and then they had me read Moroni chapter 10 verses 3-5.

I read to myself that night, “When ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them…ask God, the Eternal Father…if these things are not true…and he will manifest the truth unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost”

I honestly felt like this scripture was written for me…I even wondered if the missionaries had slipped the extra page into my copy of the Book of Mormon, but I did what it asked, I prayed to God and asked for the answers, I asked God if the words that I was reading were true. I was truly amazed when…

nothing happened.

Because of this I learned a very valuable lesson.

Just because you are seeking an answer from our Father in Heaven and you pray for guidance, it doesn’t mean you will get the answer right then and there…

I cannot tell you all how many times I have prayed for an answer and waited and waited for it to happen, some of my prayers still have not been answered…other times, my prayers are answered immediately. For some reason whenever I pray for patience the next day I am bombarded by awful drivers, long lines and tons of dirty dishes…which I hate… I have sort of stopped praying for patience because I know that heavenly father loves it when I do…

So sometimes answers take a long time to come, sometimes they are immediate, answers can also come when you least expect them, but they always WILL come.

Going back to the scripture I read, when you are seeking the truth of the gospel, or in the case of trying to build your testimony of the Book of Mormon for those that are already members, it only states that Heavenly Father will “Manifest the truth”…- it doesn’t say you will receive an answer immediately or be confirmed that day, that week, or even that year. But it does say you will receive the answer.

I had been dating Brett, an amazing role model of the church, for 3 years, going to church for almost a year, meeting with missionaries for 6 months and praying nightly before I felt it…

Sitting in a lecture hall of UW, nowhere near the Book of Mormon, or any scriptures, I felt the confirmation that Moroni promises. I was overcome with confidence and excitement to join the LDS church. I knew at that moment without a shadow of a doubt that the words in the Book of Mormon were true, and that being baptized was the most important thing that I could do.

There are many different ways you can feel the spirit… Since the moment at UW, I have felt the spirit many times. It usually comes in a small ways, the flutter of my heart, or tears welling in my eyes, but occasionally I am completely overcome by the strongest feeling and knowledge that the Holy Ghost is with me.

I have heard someone describe feeling the Holy Ghost like putting on warm clothes just out of the dryer, although everyone feels the spirit differently. Through logic, through emotion, through a thought in your head speaking with your own voice…The feeling of the spirit can also be gradual…it might accumulate over time, not happening all at once…as it did when I realized the impact the church has had in my life the past 3 years and the peace that it brings to me at my hardest times.

In the bible, the Holy Ghost appears at Jesus Christ’s baptism as a white dove, but we know that the spirit does not appear in this way anymore, we also know that the Holy Ghost appears in both the Bible and the Book of Mormon. We must seek to have knowledge of the Holy Ghost….…

So then, who or what is the Holy Ghost?

Before his death, Jesus Christ spoke to his apostles saying, “the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name…shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. “

The Holy Ghost, also being called: the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of God, the Spirit of the Lord, and Comforter has appeared to men since the beginning of time, and is the “convincing witness that the gospel is true” as the Bible dictionary states.

The Holy Ghost works in unity with our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ. He is one of the 3 members of the Godhead, a personage of spirit, completely distinct and separate from God the Eternal Father and his son Jesus Christ. He plays many roles in our lives: He “witnesses of the Father and the Son” (2 Nephi 31:18) and reveals and teaches “the truth of all things” (Moroni 10:5). We can receive a sure testimony of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ only by the power of the Holy Ghost. Feeling the Holy Ghost carries far more certainty than any communication we can receive in other ways.

Everyone on Earth, Christian or not, can feel the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost will interact with them, but as followers of Christ he promised to send the Holy Ghost to be with us, and allows us to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

The gift of the Holy Ghost is the ability to have the Holy Ghost with you all the time so long as you are worthy.

We are given this gift, in the LDS church, after we are baptized, by the laying on of hands by a member of the priesthood, which is the authority to act in the name of God.

In Matthew chapter 3 verse 11 it states, “I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance: but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost and with fire”

We must not only be baptized by water but also “with the Holy Ghost”…the fire, stated in the scripture, is the feelings of the Holy Ghost. This fire builds within the heart and testifies even stronger of the truthfulness of the Gospel. The fire is in the heart and the soul. For a convert or a member born into the church, this fire builds within, testifying and confirming the choices we have made to be baptized and or remain a member of this church.

Elder Loren C. Dunn of the Quorum of the Seventy said, “The new convert who has accepted the gift of the Holy Ghost with the right spirit will experience not only a cleansing but a feeling that will give him a new heart and make of him a new person”

I have felt this feeling of being a “new person” since baptism and many family members and friends have told me that I just seem “happier”. I know that this is because of the Gift of the Holy Ghost and the change it has in my life.

So we all have good idea of who the Holy Ghost is and what the Holy Ghost does now, but I would like to explain the other important aspects of the verses I read…

Within the 3 verses, and prior to feeling the confirmation of the truth of all things though the Holy Ghost, we are given some criteria:

We must ask Heavenly Father for the truth “in the name of Jesus Christ”, we must ask with a “sincere heart” and with “real intent” having “faith in Christ”.

Real intent means everything to me. To know the truth, we cannot ask in haste, or impatience. Too often I feel that people seeking the knowledge of the church pray and ask these questions, hoping for the answer to be that the church is not true…they want to prove the church wrong. I know that the Holy Ghost will not reveal the truth to these people until they have broken down those walls and truly want to know the answer.

We have heard it so many times, that we must pray with a softened heart. We must pray with the deepest sincerity in our mind and soul. For me, it wasn’t until I truly needed an answer to my prayers, rather than wanting a quick, sudden answer that I was given the confirmation I needed.

If we follow what these three verses say, we are bound to receive an answer, whether it be the moment we ask, or a year later in a lecture hall.

The spirit is like the sun, it seems so far away, but its glow and its warmth are able to be felt by all people. The suns rays can touch all people, and I know that the peace and happiness this church brings to my life can do the same for everyone.

I would argue that the entire Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints hangs on 3 verses…A promise that no other religion has…a promise for the truth of all things. Within the scriptures, written 1500 years ago, a prophet of God, Moroni told us that we can read this book and come to a certain knowledge…not a hope, or a thought…but a certain knowledge that this book, and this CHURCH are true.

I leave you these words in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

i'm back!

2011-03-12T22:32:00.000-08:00

hey ya'll! {had to use my new southern accent}

just wanted to let everyone know i am back and finally giving the talk i prepared tomorrow in church.

yikes.

i will post my talk tomorrow afternoon. :]

confessions of a convert.

2011-03-04T17:40:00.001-08:00

i am writing this post with a heavy heart.

after 3 years teaching primary {sunday school}, with the cutest kids ever, i am officially done.

last week was supposed to be my last, but obviously i didn't teach.

so thats it.

no last class.

no party that i had planned to say goodbye to the cutest CTR 4 class ever.

{LDS sunday school classes are seperated by the age the children are on january 1...i had the 4 year olds...the class was called CTR-choose the right 4}

no expaining to the kids why i am 'abandoning' them, which is what it feels like i am doing.

i have loved being in primary. i practically begged to be called to teach.

there have definitely been ups and downs, hard days, amazing days, hilarious days, and everything in between. i have learned more from those kids then i could have ever taught them and i am so grateful i was able to be their teacher.

now, you may be wondering why this is a confession...well its because i asked to be released from being a teacher. {cue tears...why am i always crying?!} i don't think you are supposed to ask to be released but i did. and hey, i am a convert so i don't know the unwritten 'rules' anyway half the time...

so i confess... it was me. they did not ask me to stop teaching, and TRUST me i did NOT want to stop, but i had to. i had to think of me for once.

i am being stretched so thin right now that i think i might break in to 8 pieces. i don't have enough time for anything...not enough time for homework, or school, or student teaching, for planning the amazing primary lessons those kids deserve, and especially not enough time for the husband. he has been beyond neglected and i have been beyond mean/rude/the-worst-wife-ever the past month {which is not good considering we got married 7 months ago in 2 days} and its time for a change.

i feel the strong need to go to church and go to MY sunday school...sunday school for adults...to learn for me, to listen, and grow.

will i miss being in primary? yes. will i get to teach primary again...you better hope i get to, otherwise i will go all hulk on everyone! {just kidding...sort of}

so thats it, thats what i had to tell you all...

and now i am going to go pack.

the husband and i are going to visit my dad in charleston, sc. we have to be at the airport at 5:00am...that means waking up really early.

so goodbye for now. i will miss you all.

see you back here in t-minus one week...

update and new talk date.

2011-03-01T12:50:00.000-08:00

just a little update...

although i haven't left our apartment in 3 days...and i feel like a hermit...pajamas and movies all day, not showering or getting ready {it's awful} i can finally swallow without fire in my throat, it's a miracle. my throat doesn't really hurt at all anymore, the antibiotics are helping a lot!

now it's just a lot of congestion and a killer cough, literally killer...i have to take the biggest breath before i cough or else i run out of oxygen to get through it! it sucks, BIG time.

anyway...i am alive, still pretty sick, but alive.

the husband came home after church on sunday {yes i was right, i cried when i saw him} but he read me his talk and pretended that he was giving it again. it was great, not as good as seeing him 'live' but still wonderful.

i just found out that i will be giving my talk on sunday the 13th. i am happy that i didn't go to all that planning for nothing, but sad because my talk really went well with the husbands.

oh well. nothing i can do about it now.

for those of you who asked, look for my talk to be posted on Sunday the 13th {of March}.

and for everyone out there, i hope you are having a wonderful week!

today.

2011-02-27T12:04:00.000-08:00

since 5:30am, i have cried A LOT.

i wish i could say that it was because i was rehearsing my talk, but i didn't even give my talk today.

yes, you read that right, i did not give my talk, in fact i didn't even go to church.

a few days ago i developed a cold, and in the past 2 days an awful cough had been added to it. this morning {i consider it last night since it was so early} i woke up because my throat was on fire. i couldn't swallow or breathe because it hurt so badly.

the husband woke up with me and consoled me, because i was crying due to the pain...he helped me spray that throat spray to help ease the pain, and rubbed my back to help me fall back asleep.

he woke up around 6:50am to get ready for a meeting he has each week before church. the leaders of our ward meet at 8:00am to go over logistics of the week etc.

at the meeting, the bishop and his counselors asked if we were excited and ready for our talks and the husband said that i wasn't really feeling well but we were ready.

the husband called me and said they were concerned and didn't want me to speak if i wasn't feeling well...i knew in my head that i shouldn't speak today {i couldn't even get a full sentence out, my voice was so gone}, but i insisted.

i had to speak the same day as the husband. i had to be there to support him. and my mom and grandma were coming! {remember} i just had to give my talk today.

i got a text about 10 minutes later from the husband, as i was getting out of the shower saying that they didn't feel like i should talk and they would re-schedule me.

i melted... i burst into tears knowing that i would miss the husbands talk and realizing how sick i felt and how much my throat hurt.

of course i had to call my mom, and the second she answered i started crying even harder. {crying does not help a sore throat at all, let me tell you}

i struggled to get any words out as i told her what was going on.

crying still, i got back into bed depressed, miserable, and very upset.

now i am awake, waiting for the husband to walk in the door from church and knowing that i will cry the second i see him.

this sucks.

i feel like i cannot handle anything else happening to me right now. you already know about all the migraines, plus in the past week i have been dealing with a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst that is causing a lot of pain, now this sickness {the husband and i think it is probably strep because of those infamous little white spots on the back of my throat} and...sorry if there are any guys reading this... but i am 90% sure i am going to get the 'p' soon because i am getting cramps {although this may be due to coughing so hard that i am getting an ab workout...a possible benefit?! not really}.

i am sorry to those of you who wanted to read my talk today...i wish with all my heart that i was able to give my talk and post it today, but i promise i will post it after i give it, if i ever get to..

for now i am going to go lie down, hopefully with some soup {if i can swallow it}.

happy sunday.

getting ready for sunday.

2011-02-25T14:31:00.000-08:00

i just finished writing 'the talk'.

sheesh. i wrote most of it yesterday and thought i was done and then realized that it was not long enough...after addding a bit more today its finally long enough.

the only problem is that everytime i read it outloud i cry. ugh.

this happened last time i gave a talk too...but i was lucky in that i didn't even shed a tear when i read it in church.

here's to hoping that is the case again...

no public tears please. its just...awkward.

confessions of a convert...

2011-02-23T16:12:00.000-08:00

so i have another confession to post, and you all much answer the question at the end because i need your help!

i have to say that i have always been a pretty modest dresser.

some of you may disagree because of standards you were raised by, but that is my opinion, and this is MY blog. :]

i have never worn the tiny little abercrombie shorts, with holes basically on the butt cheeks...although i used to wear shorts.

i have never been comfortable wearing low cut tops or mini skirts.

my confession here is that although i understand the reasons for dressing modestly, it is REALLY hard to find cute, modest clothing...key word: cute, and this makes life realllllly frustrating sometimes.

i want to dress in cute clothes.

i want to dress in modest clothes.

i know i can do both...

i love shade's clothes, they are cute and modest without looking like a 'molly-mormon' (altough they are closed for a little longer).

but i cannot, for my life, find other clothing websites that have cute modest clothes that i know i can order from... and wont have to send back because they're too short, too low, too wide on the shoulders etc.

does anyone have any good websites with fabulous clothes?!

help. help. help.

i had to add this to my post:

this is what we're working with people. i searched for modest clothing and i found this:

quote from my sister-in-law: "is it a one piece or a two piece?"

i really don't know.

what i do know is that not only is this wonderful modest ADULT outfit sold out in 3 sizes, it is also $60.

no-thank-you.

{ok rant is over}

you there?!

2011-02-21T12:08:00.001-08:00

i thought i had lost you all...no comments, no visitors...no nothing.

{not that you NEED to comment, but it's always nice!}

anyway, i just realized that my blog not only was not showing up on certain web browsers, but also all the comment forms were missing.

i have been having a TON of technical difficulties with my blog recently and i am slowly working them out.

hang in there! i am fixing them one by one.

comments are back up! go on, you know you want to leave one! :]

talking in church.

2011-02-19T11:27:00.000-08:00

i was asked to give a talk in sacrament meeting.

yikes.

{like i mentioned before, the speakers at church on sundays are members of the congregation. each week there are 2 speakers and sometimes a youth speaker as well}

i was asked over a week ago if i could give a talk on the 27th, along with the husband too, and i have yet to write anything...

the husband has written two talks already {although he is unhappy with both}, and is stressed... he keeps mentioning how unprepared he is, and how he really needs to "get things together for the talk".

hey thanks babe, i haven't even started!!

stress. stress. stress.

did i mention i am STRESSED!

i have had zero time to even think about giving a talk that is now in...ONE WEEK.

i am thinking i should just steal one of his talks... but don't worry, i most likely wont.

i've got this right!?

right.

would you all like me to post my talk on the 27th after church?

comment below and let me know.

(yep, i am a poet...not).

OH and btw, i asked my mom and grandma to come to church that day to hear me and the husband speak...scaaaaary.

have a wonderful saturday!

choked up.

2011-02-16T23:48:00.000-08:00

do you ever get choked up at really inappropriate times?!...you know when no one else is crying, or even kind of sad, but you are fighting back tears?!

confession: i definitely do.

exhibit a: today, while watching "enchanted" {yes, the disney movie, and no i am not afraid to admit it} i got pretty choked up at the end...i just love a happy ending.

and exhibit b: in my class management class at school tonight our teacher was talking about not being able to 'save everyone'...aka you cannot turn every students life around and make everyone have a better life. however, he did say that there are going to be certain students you connect with...well, in the short month that I have been helping out in my classroom for student teaching i have found that certain student.

that student is is a boy with autism. the first time we met eyes, he looked at me like he could kill me, he wanted nothing to do with me.

its only been just a short month later, and already he is telling people we are going to go on bus rides together {which is a story he has created in his head}, and telling his dad after school that he wants to call me to talk about the pink shoes i wore on valentines day...

this progression melts my heart.

we are talking a boy, who shows no emotion...ever. but the past week when he see's me walk into the room he smiles! SMILES! i cannot believe it.

i started tearing up in class thinking about how much his attitude toward me has changed and how much i wish i could help him, and other students who struggle, more.

i pray that when i have a classroom of my own i can make a difference in my students lives.

and with that... cue my tears.

{i think i am just SUPER emotional today or something!}

anyway, that is my random story for the day...

till next time!

happy valentines day!

2011-02-14T12:26:00.000-08:00

i have always loved valentines day.

i was the definition of a girly girl... i loved pink and purple, and i refused to wear anything but dresses and skirts!...no seriously, i would not wear pants.

my mom and grandma had to trick me into them...they made me "bubbles" which were NOT pants...rather they were overalls with puffy legs, are you imagining the 80s yet?!)

needless to say, i loved valentines day.

pink, hearts, candy, LOVE. it's everything a girl could wish for.

the best part was the my dad didn't only give a valentine to my mom, he always made me feel very special too! (one year he bought my mom and i both our own rose bush to plant in the garden! i felt so grown up!!)

i guess what i am trying to say is that valentines day is not only for 'lovers'...i didn't have a "real" valentine until my senior year in high school but that didn't stop me from loving the day for what it was.

yes, i know many of you hate valentines day, the infamous hallmark holiday...but take some time and tell a family member, a friend, or anyone really that you are thinking about them...

share the love!

this one is for my handsome man...happy valentines day!

update.

2011-02-11T14:53:00.001-08:00

one little kristen

having pain in her head,

went to the doctor and the doctor said...

no more...oh i give up... i couldn't think of a rhyme for what she said! :P

but she did take lots of tests, and told me...

nothing helpful.

if it's migraines, its migraines...all they can do is put me on a daily pill and hope it goes away. if it's not migraines, but something else is causing it, she said hopefully the tests will come back and tell her that.

so i am still waiting. {waiting with a headache for that matter}.

oh well.

cheers, to life's little 'fun' moments like these!

headaches.

2011-02-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

so to start things off i just have to give some background info...

my whole life i have gotten headaches. i have been poked and prodded by doctors but none of them can tell me what is causing them.

these headaches are not just every once in a while, they are about 4-5 times per week, sometimes more...and recently have turned into mostly migraines. {whereas i used to get migraines, but only rarely}.

my headaches are now offset by everything.

working out.

watching tv.

studying.

doing anything really.

and let me tell you that feeling nauseous, along with being sensitive to light, along with feeling even worse if you move or talk is not fun... at all!

because they have been getting worse than ever i have considered going back in to the doctors to see if, yet again, they can try to find the cure.

well, the past week i started seeing stars every once in a while and now i know i need to go to the doctor, because that is BAD. i will be sitting, minding my own business, and little stars appear and disappear in an instant in my eyes.

{i promise this is going to relate to church, so just keep reading}.

last night the husband and i were sitting in our office talking about randomness when the little stars appeared and in my head i heard myself say, "you need to go to the doctors", only it wasn't me talking...it was the spirit talking to me through myself {if that makes any sense}.

i stopped talking awkwardly, and the husband asked what was going on.

i was embarrassed for some reason to say anything, but the moment i started telling him what had just happened i started crying, and hid my face in my hands.

without another word, he asked my if i wanted a blessing.

{in the LDS church we believe that men who hold the priesthood can give a special prayer, also called a blessing, by the laying on of hands and by inspiration, to one who is sick or otherwise in need of special counsel, comfort, or healing {just as Jesus Christ and his Apostles did in their time}.

i agreed and he gave me a blessing.

i was so comforted by his words, and the love that i felt not only from him, but also from our loving Father in Heaven that my tears stopped and i was comforted and able to relax.

i am so grateful to have a husband who holds the priesthood and for the power of blessings in my life.

i don't know what i would have done without the husband last night.

and i am calling the doctor right now.

i will keep you all posted.

fast and testimony meeting

2011-02-06T15:02:00.000-08:00

for those of you who don't know, the first sunday of each month is called "fast and testimony meeting". this means that every first sunday of every month the members of the LDS church forego 2 meals {usually breakfast and lunch} and the money that we would have spent on those meals is then donated to the church.

also, during church on the first sunday of the month there are no speakers, no planned talks to share, merely the members of the congregation are given the opportunity to walk to the front of the chapel and bear their testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel, if would like to.

it can get preeeeetty awkward sometimes when no one is going up to the front, but someone always ends up getting up and then they are followed by other individuals who just needed someone else to go first.

anyway, months and months ago i decided to go up to the front and bear my testimony. i could feel the spirit so strongly telling me to get up and go talk about my love and gratitude for the church...

so i got up, walked to the front and began to speak.

and then it happened.

i said PILGRIMS....pilgrims instead of pioneers! {i didn't even correct myself because i didn't realize i did it until it was too late to go back and say the correct word}

this may not seem like that big of a deal, but to LDS people the pioneers are a BIG part of history, and as we know, pioneers and pilgrims are TOTALLY different.

whoops. how embarrassing!

yes, there are worse things that could have happened...tripping on my way up there to name one. but i think i am scarred for life, which is totally silly!

have any of you out there said or done anything awkward or embarrassing in public?!

do share!

freaky friday:

2011-02-04T15:41:00.000-08:00

ironic that when i went to type in 'freaky friday' my computer went on the fritz and posted just the title that i had written before i had time to type anything else...hmmm. freaky?!

anyway, the reason for this post is because something crazy happened!!! {ok it wasn't that crazy, but it was a little strange}

this one is for all you 'LOST' fans out there...

last weekend the husband, my mom and i were watching LOST {the television show}...to those of you who don't watch it, be careful starting it...it is A-DICTING.

for those of you who DO watch it, SHHHH i haven't finished watching the last season, so no spoiling it for me :] and i promise i wont spoil it for you if you haven't finished and you keep reading...

like i said, we were watching an episode {i think it was the 8th?} of the last season and i legitimately had to pause the dvd and turn to my husband and say "WHAT?!?!?!"...the episode that was playing before my eyes had more LDS church ideas and 'stuff' than i could handle without stopping and saying something.

obviously they worded everything differently than the church does, but the similarities between the dialogues in the show and what i was taught by the missionaries was uncanny. i even turned to my mom and said "remember when the missionaries taught you about...blah blah blah" and she was shocked to realize the similarities. {not to mention the quick conversation we had was a good refresher for her on a church topic}.

anyway, this post is really random, and very confusing, but i had to let you all know....i swear, the church is integrated in everything i do...

it's freaky.

knowledge.

2011-02-02T14:30:00.000-08:00

i've got a good question for all of you out there...

have you ever been talking to a friend, or family member who is either an inactive LDS member or not a member at all, and they express "their" beliefs to you but insist they disagree with the LDS church wholeheartedly...only they don't realize, and wont listen to you when you try to tell them that what they "believe" is not what the church they go to believes and is actually LDS doctrine?!

ok, obviously i am raising my hand because i totally have!

here is a major difference that i have noticed between the LDS church and my previous church experience:

i know what i believe. before being baptized i had ideas of what i believed, i knew i had faith...believed in the bible etc. but when it came to really knowing what my church believed i had no idea.

now i do.

there is so much comfort in knowing what you believe and being able to answer people's questions when they say, "what do you guys believe?!"

only here is something else i have noticed.

if you ask a person what church they go to and they say "st. marks" or something like that...there are no follow up questions, people just don't ask questions about other religions...just a smile and a nod or a "cool" in return from the questioner.

if someone asks what church i go to and i say the LDS church, i end up playing 20 questions...not that that is a bad thing...its just an interesting observation...wouldn't you say?! {say yes.}

anyway. enough ranting for now...i am going outside to play in the sunshine! :]

ta-ta-for-now!

{i just realized that i deleted the 'followers' tab on the side of my blog...if you want to 'follow' my blog and be updated when i write a post you can scroll to the top of the page and put your cursor at the top. a bar will show up and on the lefthand side it says follow...click it, and make you and me happy! :] }

primary songs and kids to come.

2011-01-31T16:25:00.000-08:00

{reflecting on gina's comment about "thinking about the future for comfort" from this post}

i was driving to my mom's house just yesterday and the husband and i were listening to the Children's Songbook CD Collection...this one:

{for those of you who are not LDS it is a compilation of TONS of songs that are sung at church by the children in sunday school}

i put in the discs as a little bit of a joke because i wanted to prove to the husband that i knew all the books of the new testament in order... {there are songs to help you memorize things like that}. after accomplishing my goal of surprising him with my raw singing talent {not!}, we started listening to other primary songs that he remembers from when he was younger.

some of them are good, some are a little irritating, but all in all they are sweet. and let's face it, kids love to sing!

well, all of a sudden a song came on and it was a family singing "when there's love at home". it immediately made me think to the future...a flash of the husband and i, and our little children singing popped into my head. i was overwhelmed with the spirit.

its funny how one second you can be laughing and making fun of a silly song, the next you can be watery-eyed and emotional.

i cannot believe that one day the husband and i will have children {God willing} and they will be singing primary songs. they will go to church. they will be baptized.

it is all surreal.

so thank you gina for helping me to think about the future and the joy that it will bring. it does help, and it makes it all worth it!

confessions of a convert.

2011-01-29T10:32:00.000-08:00

i have decided to start a series of posts called "confessions of a convert".

i am not sure if they will be once a month...once a week...or whenever but the point of them will be to highlight the things that i, a convert, faces dealing with church-y things....those little things that i struggle with or hide and think to myself...um, i could probably be better about that, or what the heck does that even mean?! you know...those moments.

i was at a baby shower last week and someone mentioned a name like: malyshamalamahama... {try to say it its fun!}

ok, it wasn't really that... but the name was so foreign to me that it sounded like that. i had NEVER heard the name. then i asked the woman who she was talking about and she said "oh, he's in the book of mormon!".

busted.

like i said, i had never even heard the name...in fact i don't even remember the name {dyann help me out here!} which means one thing.

confession number one is to commence....now:

i suck at reading the book of mormon...really i suck at reading the scriptures in general. i don't know what it is but i have an awful time motivating myself to read them. i know its important. i know i would like it if i read it but i just...dont. :[

its even worse when my husband asks if i want to read them with him and i say no!

i will say it again...i suck!

it doesn't help that i dont really like to read in general, but even though i dont like to read, i NEED to read the scriptures. its essential and i am smart enough to know that!

i definitely have my ups and downs...times where i do read the scriptures and really enjoy it. but after the ups, there are downs and i just dont read at all.

its hard. and i am bad at it.

perhaps reading should have been my new years resolution along with these.

ugh.

{maybe i should get these books. haha}

overwhelmed.

2011-01-26T22:59:00.000-08:00

they told me i'd be busy.

they told me i would be stressed.

they told me i would have no extra time.

but they didn't tell me i would be going to bed at 2am.

waking up at 6am.

and seeing my husband for 15 minutes before getting into bed at night.

really school?!

i thought i was done with you after 4 years at uw.

i thought i would never have a test, or homework again.

and yet here i am...11:00pm on wednesday night so tired i can barely keep my eyes open, drowning in homework, papers, projects and readings....but on my blog.

i think i need to look at my priorities a bit! :]

tomorrow is the first time i am actually teaching something in my student teaching classroom. and i will be the first to admit... i am NERVOUS! but when they heck did i become scared of first graders?! i need to pull-it-together!

anyway...send prayers my way. i need a cup of confidence for breakfast!

goodnight.

T.G{OODNESS}.I.F.

2011-01-21T16:05:00.000-08:00

its friday. and thank goodness for that. it's been one of THOSE weeks...{you know, where it feels like so much has happened that you think it's friday but its monday around...11:00am. great.}

this is all i want to do:

have a giant bowl of popcorn.

eat lots of candy.

watch a movie.

snuggle.

sleep.

now all i have to do is find the husband, wherever he is, and convince him to want to do the same.

happy friday everyone. hope you week was better than mine! :p

witnessing a baptism.

2011-01-19T12:25:00.000-08:00

no, i haven't forgotten about my blog {i know you were all VERY worried!}

i have been pretty sick with a bad cold that has made me really sleepy...and yet unable to sleep! so i have not been up to writing, but it's been too long so here i go.

last saturday was a great day. i woke up early to get ready with my husband who had been planning a baptism {he is the ward mission leader which means he works closely with the full-time missionaires (the young men who knock on your doors with smiles and name tags on) He is the middle man between the members of the ward (our church congregation) and the missionaries.}.

i knew the baptism was coming and to be honest wasn't so sure it should be happening.

the fifteen year old boy to be baptized had been to church only 3 times, missed several appointments he had made with the missionaries and didn't seem all that motivated from what i had heard about him {as far as missing appointments etc.}.

when i considered baptism, i knew i had to be absolutely sure...it took me months and months of going to church and months talking with the missionaries to commit {setting a date for baptism}...it took this boy less than 3 weeks to commit. surely there is no way he knew the significance of what he was doing.

boy was i wrong, and boy do i feel bad.

saturdays baptism was amazing. sitting just 2 seats away from the boy i could feel the spirit so strongly that tears were welling in my eyes consistently the entire time. it was the same room that i was baptized in so i was flooded with emotions and memories of my own as well.

after the baptism i had the opportunity to talk with the boy and his mother. the excitement that he showed and the happiness that radiated throughout him proved me wrong... he wasn't making a random decision, he knew exactly what he was doing and he really desired to be baptized. while his mother is not a member of the LDS church, she was there, with a huge smile on her face, and seemed to be so proud of her son. it was amazing being in the room with them.

i cannot believe that someone so young could be so wise and make such a huge decision such as baptism {especially at the age of 15! i am pretty sure all i thought about at that age was turning 16 and getting my drivers license...oh and boys!} he is definitely a very special person, and so is his mother; as she demonstrated pure love and joy for her child and supporting his decisions and what makes him happy.

i am grateful i was able to be a part of and watch the baptism.

it makes me even more grateful for where i am today.

advice...i need it!

2011-01-13T10:55:00.000-08:00

ok, so i need advice.

blogging: i love it. i love being able to express my feelings {good and bad} and i love having somewhere to write everything down {other than my personal journal}.

mostly i love that when i am confused about something, upset or struggling, or just trying to better understand, i can write about it and through the writing process i am able to more clearly think about the topic/issue and really evaluate.

here lies the problem: i don't mind putting myself out there for strangers... at all! in fact i love it! i was just featured on one of my favorite blogs "that wife" {you can check out her wonderful blog and read the post here}. the thought of strangers and new friends reading my blog was exciting.

i also don't mind sharing my blog with friends from church. what i have found is that it is uncomfortable, for lack of a better way to put it, telling or sharing my blog with non-member friends and my family. i feel embarrassed telling them about it.

my friends who have read my blog tell me i need to be more brave to just post the link on my facebook account because it is worth sharing!...but i can't do it.

in fact i've tried... two days ago. i posted the link under 'my website' and then after i clicked submit and went straight back and deleted it.

i am worried friends will no longer be my friend because i am LDS. that they will think i am weird and gossip about me behind my back {something i know is already going on, and hurts to think about}. THE WORST PART ABOUT IT IS: those are the types of friends i would never want to have in the first place AND all my real friends already know i am a member and i am still embarrassed to share my blog.

what is my problem!? if everyone already knows, and i am in no way ashamed of my choices, then why is it so hard for me to tell those people who are close to me about it?

also, and this is a BIG issue. as you may have noticed, i have a very good relationship with my mom. i love her so much! she means the world to me and i tell her EVERYTHING {save some details of course}... she has no idea i have a blog! so many of my struggles as a convert are family related. surely i wouldn't be able to voice my true feelings as a convert {the very purpose of this blog} if they are mommy related and mommy is reading the blog! at the same time, maybe she should know?!

help!

another great question...

2011-01-11T20:59:00.000-08:00

question:

There are lots of things I genuinely like about the Mormom church but lots of historical things that make me question and seem illogical (to me). Did you deal with any of these doubts when you converted or have any problems with things like this?

answer:

I definitely had my questions. I, as many people, had heard rumors and stories about the mormon church before being a member. In fact, in the beginning of my relationship with my now husband, if I was asked whether I would ever convert to mormonism I would give a foul look at said "no way!" because of what I had heard.

Three things I struggled with were: 1) polygamy 2) the temple and 3) Joseph Smith/ The Book of Mormon

Polygamy: My now-father-in-law is a very smart and well educated man, especially in church history. It took only one conversation on the topic of polygamy to understand why it was a necessary thing in the past. To many people's disbelief, it was never for {and excuse my bluntness} sexual reasons. The early church members were NOT sexual deviants...rather if you look into church history polygamy started as many of the men in the church were being killed for their beliefs. The women were left on their own right before having to cross the United States with their children on foot. Specific men, NOT all LDS men were called to marry other women. It would have been inappropriate for men to have lived with and cared for the women and children if not married...thus polygamy started. Now, of course, polygamy is illegal and the church stands by that full force. Any member of the church who tries to have a polygamous relationship is excommunicated {something that is relatively hard to have happen}.

The Temple:

I cannot stand being left in the dark. When I am learning about something, I want to know everything. This brought a problem when learning about the Temple because I just wanted to go inside! I didn't care I wasn't a member...it wasn't fair I couldn't go in. My interest in what went on inside was only heightened when my mom told me AWFUL stories about what she had heard happened inside to women. I was disgusted, mortified, and did not want to go. I relayed this information to my husband {then boyfriend} and he helped me tremendously. He, admittingly frustrated that I would believe such stories told me this, "My Dad loves my Mom more than anything. He loves his daughters more than anything... do you EVER think that he would let something like that happen to them?!"...I felt a little silly realizing what I had believed and realized that nothing like that would happen in the temple.

My confidence, love and excitement to go to the temple came through prayers this experience {http://throughtheeyesofamormon.blogspot.com/2010/04/vancouver-bc-temple.html} and and overwhelming feeling of confidence I received through the Holy Ghost as driving by the Temple one day. I can say, since being to the Temple that it is an amazing place of peace, happiness, and love. I don't think anything un-pure or negative could happen there.

Joseph Smith/ The Book of Mormon:

This is probably the number one thing people struggle with. It is an amazing, unbelievable thing to think of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appearing to a boy of 14. I was told that if I didn't believe that they appeared to him, but read the book of mormon and found the words in the book to be true, the Joseph Smith 'story' must then be true as well, for if Joseph Smith had not seen Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ then the Book of Mormon would not exist.

Since being a member of the church, I have learned many more things about The Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith that help confirm to me that he saw what he did and that there is no way he could have made up the Book of Mormon. One such way was through talking to someone who had served a mission and had met a man who had lived in the Middle East. He was not a member of the church but knew the area's spoken of in the Book of Mormon very well. He expressed to the missionaries that there is no way someone could write about those places in that time without visiting the Middle East, which Joseph Smith had never done. The middle-eastern man joined the church as soon as he could even though he would have been killed for doing so if he returned to his home. He expressed to the missionaries who warned him he could be killed, "wouldn't you die for this church?"

Ultimately, like the how I gained confidence about the Temple, many prayers and thought were put into understanding Joseph Smith and what he went through {and also the Book of Mormon}. The more I read and the more I research the more I understand and realize there is no way he came up with the words written in the Book of Mormon by himself and I know that the words within it are inspired of God. So I no longer have an issue with this at all!

Sorry for the lengthy, scrambled answer! If I made other questions come up, feel free to ask!

Have a good one!

:]

Delete

formspring.

2011-01-10T11:19:00.000-08:00

i was asked a VERY good question on formspring.

one that i have wondered myself at times, and had to get the asnwer from someone other than myself... so i figured i would share it with you all {including the answer}.

my formspring box is over on the righthand side of the blog...don't be shy, ask {mostly} any questions and i will do my best to answer it!

question from 'anonymous':

"You sound lovely, but how come your husband was willing to date a wild party girl (before!) when he was mormon?"

{thanksgiving 2005...post 'turkey bowl' win! and 3 years before my baptism}

answer:

Sometimes I wonder that myself...he has more patience than anyone I know that's for sure!

While I wouldn't necessarily tag myself as a "wild" party girl {though I did drink} I think meeting in high school helped. There were not many LDS kids at our public high school and so most of his friends drank- though he did not, they completely supported him for his choice not to.

We had the same core group of friends our Junior Year in High School which is when we both started liking each other. I don't think we would have met in college because he would have never gone looking for his future wife in that crowd...so I am really lucky...

ultimately I am not sure why he was willing to stick-it-out with me...let's ask him!

Husband's Response:

"Interesting question, I don't think I have ever been asked that before. Going off of what

Kristen already said, we met when we were in High School, I have tried to look past peoples actions and see them for the good (I think the good naturally outweighs the bad for most people). I saw Kristen for what she really was, not the partying or differing views of faith we had, but rather a person with so much good and beauty. Both inside and out.

Kristen was inherently different than all of the other girls at high school. There was just "something" about her. Admittedly it was very tough on our relationship through the first 2 college years, but I would say it also brought us a lot closer at the same time.

So to sum it all up, me being Mormon only helped me have the opportunity to look deeper at Kristen, rather than just seeing her looks/appearances and what you see on the outside. If I did not have my faith and was not Mormon I would have probably never even been looking for a girlfriend. I would have probably never stuck it out and would not be married to this wonderful woman.

Being LDS is all about trying to emulate Christ, and trying to become a better person through Him. It is about changing yourself into something that you were not previously. I guess it has taught me to see people in that same light.

Thanks again for the question!

-The Husband "

{may 2010...my 23rd birthday}

{he makes me smile...a lot!}

"i'm a convert, not a convert-er!"

2011-01-08T11:42:00.000-08:00

since being baptized into the LDS church i have really only focused on myself. what i mean by that is that i have been busy growing my own testimony and learning more about the gospel and the church to help me grow.

i cannot count, or even remember, the number of times i have been asked if my family is interested, or been told i should talk to my mom, my brothers, my dad, step mom, step siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents...my cousins...my dog.....{just kidding, i don't even have a dog}...about the church.

i have to admit, it made me frustrated having so many people pressure me about my family, and hearing them say "they'll be members some day". i would think to myself:

'what do i care if they are members?! i was just baptized...let me figure myself out!'

well... everything's changed.

last sunday my husband and i watched a movie: "Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration". i had seen the movie just twice before sunday, both times i was very emotional, and both times included a LOT of crying {even the first time i saw the movie which was before i was a member of the church}.

this time we watched it, it was much different.

the entire movie i could not stop crying. i cried harder than i have even cried when watching a movie in my entire life.

as i watched i couldn't believe that i was a part of what i was watching... that everything Joseph Smith did, everything he went though {losing friends, children, being tarred and feathered, being killed for what he believed} has become a part of my life and has made it possible for me to be where i am today.

and then i started crying even harder. i wished so badly, for the first time, that my family would know what i know. that they could share with me in the great happiness that i feel because of my membership in the LDS church. i wish their hearts would be softened and they could feel what i do, that they could just... understand.

i want so badly to sit by my mom at church on sundays. i want my family there with me. i want to go to the temple with them... to be sealed to each one of them.

i am filled with so many emotions.

love...

sadness...

faith...

hope...

anxiety...

pressure...

but mostly gratitude... for those members of the church who came before me. who showed me the way, and led those to come in the greatest way possible- by example.

i hope i can be that light for someone else. i hope i can be more like they were.

resolutions...

2011-01-01T20:24:00.000-08:00

happy new year!

i cannot believe it's the start of yet another year... a fresh start, a new beginning!

i have never been the 'resolution' type, but this year i am going to try...

the past few months, since being married, have been crazy. i am not going to lie and say that they have been easy because they have definitely had their ups and downs, however i will say that they have been wonderful all the same.

although we've been together for over 6 years, since being married and living with my husband i learn something new about him every day. i learn something new about myself, oh... every other second.

one thing that i have learned is that most of the 'downs' in the past few months have been related to one thing: my patience... while i thought that i had patience, i realize i have none. this is definitely a problem, for example when my cute husband loads the dishwasher and thinks i will have a sigh of relief but rather i sigh with frustration because he put the silverware in upside down.... come on kristen! who cares!!!

so what is my resolution?!....i can tell you are all just holding your breath waiting to find out {note the sarcasm}.

to be more patient and and to be more confident in myself.

i know that with more patience my whole life will run more smoothly... i wont get upset when i am stuck at a red light, or when i am at the grocery store and the line i chose is the worst! {isn't that how it always works out?!} or when the stupid silverware is upside down. life will just be better with patience.

and the second part of my resolution: have i mentioned that i have no self-confidence?! i am always frustrated with this or that about myself... that i wish this was different or that i didn't have that 'issue'. it drives the husband absolutely crazy because in his eyes i am...wait for it... "perfect". oh bless him, what a sweetheart! {but what a crazy man!! i mean seriously, who's perfect? and how boring is perfect!!}

my goal is to come to love who i am, and for everything that i am...no ifs, ands and despite the butt! {hehe}

humor aside, i am ready for what the new year has to offer me and excited to work on my goals!

i am not sure if 2011 can beat an engagement and a wedding... but i guess we'll just have to wait and see.

happy new year to you and your family...here's to 2011!

if you just believe...

2010-12-24T10:51:00.001-08:00

christmas can be a hard time of year.

amidst the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, and in spite of the holiday parties and sugar cookies galore, it is also a time where we reflect on ourselves and our families.

for me it is the time of year that reminds me that my family is not what is always was...

what i mean is that it is this time of year that really makes me think about my parents divorce and how much i wish that it never happened, how much i wish that my cute little family was one again...instead of little pieces.

i have been told that i shouldn't be bothered by it...that i am 23 and i should just grow up and get over it. but i don't see it that way. whether you are 3 or 43 i think it would still be hard to see your family going through something like that.

regardless what people say, i cannot help but be a little sad at this time of year thinking and dreaming about christmas past.

when i am feeling this way i turn to josh groban's song "believe":

"children sleeping, snow is softly falling

dreams are calling like bells in the distance
we were dreamers not so long ago
but one by one we all had to grow up
when it seems the magic's slipped away
we find it all again on Christmas day

believe in what your heart is saying

hear the melody that's playing

there's no time to waste
there's so much to celebrate
believe in what you feel inside
and give your dreams the wings to fly
you have everything you need
if you just believe"

if you haven't heard the song, find it on itunes and listen to it, it is beautiful... {from the polar express soundtrack}.

i especially love the part in red because it is so true. no matter how we are feeling before christmas...the joy, laughter, smiles, and company -no matter who it is- on christmas make the day truly magical.

i wish everyday could feel like christmas.

with that...

"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house..."

...you know the rest of the story. get off your computer, snuggle by a fire, and go finish it with your family and loved ones.

and please, have a VERY merry christmas!

love always,

prescription filled!

2010-12-19T20:11:00.000-08:00

yesterday was eventful. to say the least.

like this post mentioned, i have been having a little trouble with being excited about going to church. it's been frustrating because i know i love church... but i have just wondered why its been hard to go lately.

i said i needed to figure out the answer...

i said i would inform you when i found the answer. i found it yesterday.

my husband and i have not been to the temple since we were married...{which was one of the best/most amazing spiritual experiences of my life}. we finally went back yesterday.

both a little nervous because we were on our own {without having an 'escort' or family that knew what they were doing and had experience being at the temple} we went anyway.

the second we walked in the temple i was overcome with happiness. the temple is an amazing place. it is hard to miss feeling the holy spirit there... i was overcome with emotions and fought back tears multiple times during the temple session we went to.

once we were done we got lunch and went home.

all day i had been having pains in my stomach that started the night before. i figured they would get better but as the pain escalated and shooting pains started in my lower abdomen i was convinced to get a hold of the doctor on call.

before i even explained everything that was going on she quickly advised me that i needed to go to the emergency room as soon as i could.

reluctant, i went. {with my wonderful sister-in-law, as my husband was unable to come with me}.

2 hours later, at about 11:00pm, after being tested in every single way they could... and feeling a little 'medically molested' as my sister-in-law and i named it {i am extremely shy when it comes to going to the doctor} they informed me that i had an ovarian cyst that had ruptured which was causing internal bleeding.

the bleeding was causing severe pain but unfortunately all you can do is take advil for the internal swelling, medicine for the pain and wait it out.

i am in the waiting period right now.

now you must be wondering how any of this relates to me being happy about going to church.

well...when i got home i was lying with my husband in bed and i was in the best mood i have been in in a long time.

i was thinking about the temple.

the temple is such a blessing. it puts into perspective the important aspects of life and brings the spirit so close to your heart.

i could have been wallowing in my sorrows of pain, but rather the spirit was comforting me and i was happy. PLUS i was overcome with an excitement for going to church in the morning.

i know, without a shadow of a doubt that my feelings were caused by my husband and i going to the temple and the blessing that going to the temple brings into your home.

i am so grateful to be able to live so close to a temple. i am grateful to be able to go to the temple.

i am grateful for the temple and the happiness it brings into my life.

it wont be long before i go back again.

language...

2010-12-16T23:47:00.000-08:00

another thought inspired by facebook...

after browsing facebook a few days ago i couldn't help but notice the language many people use. the slang, the swearing, the vulgar comments that blow. my. mind.

it made me think one thing.

i am really lucky.

i am lucky that the people in my life who surround me don't use that language. i am lucky that my husband treats me with respect and doesn't call me names...names that other men wouldn't find offensive at all {but are}.

i cannot believe that a little over 3 years ago that type of talking wouldn't have even made me think twice. {not that i had a trucker's mouth at all, but i just wasn't as sensitive as i am now to swearing etc.}

it's continues to amaze me...{the gospel of Jesus Christ that is}. my life has changed so much...and yet i have not really changed at all.

yes, i don't swear anymore...ok confession...only when i am REALLY mad. {i'm working on that one}.

yes, i don't drink alcohol anymore.

yes, i go to church every single sunday {for 3 hours straight!}

yes, i pray all the time.

yes...well... i guess i have changed.

but i am still kristen. just improved.

stressed

2010-12-12T20:22:00.001-08:00

why is it that stress always hits you in one big tsunami wave!?

in my life, as i am sure in most of yours, everything has to happen at once.

for me right now it's finals week, school assignments, planning with my corresponding teacher who will help me with my student teaching {that i will be starting in january!} and meeting the kids in my new classroom, family in town, church callings, buying gifts, and on top of all of that its the busiest time of the year...which just so happens to be the time of year you want to cuddle up on the couch next to your christmas tree with your loved ones and do...nothing! but you continue to shop, go to parties, decorate cookies galore, eat cookies galore, and plan for endless festive activities...

why is life so hectic? scratch that...why do we make life so hectic?! i mean seriously, its crazy!

amidst the hustle and bustle of this holiday season it is my hope that we can all slow it down and take the time to cuddle with our family on the couch and that most of all we can remember what this time of year is all about...

the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

even santa knows what's important...

giving to the poor.

2010-12-08T11:00:00.000-08:00

it happens to us all.

whether we are driving in our cars and just outside our window someone is standing with a tattered cardboard sign or we are walking and {it seems like} out of no where a stranger is standing right next to us begging for spare change... we all have run-in's with 'homeless' men and women asking for money.

{the reason i have 'homeless' in quotes is not to belittle what it means to be homeless but rather because of the ever present question of is this person actually homeless.}

anyway...i often struggle with the question of if i should give these people money. without a doubt i would offer spare money i have if i knew that it would not be used on alcohol and drugs, but how do you know for sure?!

my mom used to keep brown paper bags filled with water bottles, granola bars and other snacks to hand individuals expressing hunger and the need for food, just to make sure they can't spend money on boose and while i should probably do this i haven't yet...

in the mean time i try to go by the spirit. in other words, i listen to my gut... if i truly feel like this person is struggling and needs money i will offer what i have...

just two days ago however, i was angered beyond belief by a "poor starving artist living on the street". after finishing my grocery shopping i was leaving the store and practically jumped on by a notorious man in my city who day in and day out stands by our shopping center. he asked for spare change. this man has always intrigued me because i've wondered what all his signs mean {he wears very random signs, and a coat that says 'artist skateboard mike'} and i really did feel bad for him so i scrounged for the very little change i had and i offered it to him. he took the change gratefully and i walked to my car.

while unloading my groceries i realized that the bag of oranges i had bought would never be finished by my husband and i so i ripped a hole in the bag and grabbed a couple oranges to bring back to 'mike'. i was so excited to have something to offer him and when i got back to where he was standing i raised the oranges up and offered them to him...

a look of complete and utter disgust took over his face. and rage began to take over my body. he looked at the oranges, looked at me and then, trying to come up with any excuse he could said, "oranges, uh... don't agree with me". without a word i turned around and walked back to my car.

this is the second time i have offered food to a "starving" person on the side of the road and they've refused to take it with an extremely bad attitude...it makes me angry beyond belief when this happens, i cant help it!

i am not sure about all of you, but if i was starving and living on the streets i would pretty much eat anything, as long as it wouldn't kill me...

i dont really have a moral to the story or reason for this post {as i will continue to struggle with to who and when to give money} however i wanted to share a frustration and question if this has ever happened to any of you? and if it has, does it make your blood boil like mine?! what do you all do when confronted by people asking for money?

being tested...

2010-12-01T19:56:00.001-08:00

something has been happening the past few days.

an unusual amount of people around me have not only been bringing up the LDS church, but putting me on the spot.

monday: i was literally called out by my teacher..."who's the mormon in here?" then i was asked endless questions about random 'mormon' things, including how my parents feel about me joining the church. after answering that they are supportive of me being happy {over actually being happy i am mormon} my teacher responded that they are 'weird'. hmmm...

tuesday: another teacher started listing off churches too see who was from what faith. the third church he asked was LDS...i raised my hand...and unlike him moving on to the next on the list of faiths, he stopped and asked a list of questions as well...very similar questions to the ones i was asked the previous day. {others in my class laughed because of how weird it was that this interrogation happened just yesterday as well...i think they felt bad for me}. interestingly, my teacher said that 2 generations back his family was all LDS but they were excomm

unicated from the church because they refused to end their polygamous way, and actually housed polygamous families in their basement when the church {and state} ended the practice and it became illegal.

today: a workout class that i attend regularly has a very outgoing teacher. today randomly she brought up that her best friend when she was growing up was mormon {and she had 15 siblings}...then she TOO asked if anyone in the class was. she, luckily, had no interrogation for me {i think she was just curious}.

from all of this one thing is clear to me.

i am being tested.

heavenly father knows about this post, and he knows that i need to get my confidence levels up.

i will admit this trial has been hard, and kinda scary...but it is an answer to my prayers. i needed help with being able, and comfortable, talking to people about who i am...and this is his way of helping me... literally giving me practice.

be careful what you pray for... he's listening :]

giving thanks.

2010-11-26T18:05:00.001-08:00

yes i know it is the day after thanksgiving...but it is never too late to give thanks.

i am so thankful for so many things in my life:

for my family.

for my friends.

for my amazing husband...and his incredible patience.

for a roof over my head.

for the ability to choose.

for my health and strength.

for the LDS church.

for prayer.

for the seasons...each one of them and the beauty they bring.

for the amazing technologies we have in this generation that keep us safe.

for school {most of the time :] }

and for everything in between.

this is truly and amazing time of year... cherish the small, tender moments in life. those are the ones that last forever in our memories.

formspring

2010-11-19T16:23:00.000-08:00

i added a formspring box to my profile...its on the right hand side in the margin.

feel free to ask any questions you like...you can even make it anonymous! :]

criticism...

2010-11-17T13:29:00.000-08:00

a few days ago in my 'student needs' class our teacher was talking about culture, and it made me think about the church...and really all churches for that matter.

"the best, and only way you can critique a culture is to be within it" he said....

my teacher was talking about race and gender specifically noting that, for example, no man should critique a "women's society" because they know nothing about what goes on....however even though he was talking about topics other than religion it made ME think of just that.

too often people spend more time critiquing others rather than working on themselves. i think we all fall victim to this at times in our lives.

specifically however, i feel that the LDS church is a victim of this criticism all too often. ex-members, non-members, people who know NOTHING about the church always have SOMETHING to say...this does not exclude a girl in my class {who is married to an 'in-active' member of the church} who thinks she knows everything and finds ways to take 'jabs' at me whenever she can...even if it is about the most trivial things... "we had to get lot's of place settings when we got married because his family is MOOOOOOORMAN" -she said to a friend in class and stared directly at me while doing so.

is it just me, or do a lot of people claim to be christian, and followers of Christ and then turn around and do things that he would never want us to do?!

lets get it together everyone, lets be civil to each other, and work harder to be kind... and lets change the quote from above to:

"the best, and only way to critique a culture is to...NOT critique them at all. its our job to work on our own personal lives...not to criticize those around us".

what will the prescription be?

2010-11-11T17:27:00.000-08:00

in the midst of the storm {more like really rainy weather} outside, i feel like i have a storm within me.

this is the happiest time of my life right?! newly married, on my way to being a teacher {my dream career} everything seems to be going my way...and yet i have been sad.

after painstakingly questioning myself for about a week i figured out my problem.

remember, this blog is to reveal the REAL feelings of one convert to the LDS church, so no judging.

although hard to admit, the problem was my motivation and passion for church...i realized that while i was happy in other aspects of my life my fire and desire for church-y things was dwindling and this made me VERY sad.

why didn't i anticipate going to church on sunday like i had for 2 years? why was it hard for me to get on my knees and pray? why did i get irritated when every conversation i had led back to church?

was something wrong with me? was i becoming a 'bad' member of the LDS faith?

i felt sick. and wanted desperately to come up with a solution.

i had figured out the problem:

diagnosed. yes.

prescription: to be filled...still.

{and most likely re-filled constantly my whole life}

comfort.

2010-10-11T22:59:00.001-07:00

there is comfort found in prayer.

today i found out some news that rattled the ground i walk on. it made it hard to concentrate...especially when i felt as though my emotions were schizophrenic...crying one second, laughing the next, angry with frustration at other moments....it was exhausting.

however, amidst the range of emotions and sadness i was able to bow my head and pray. there is definitely a power, and a difference when you are praying with an open and or broken heart.

day to day prayers are important...however when you say a prayer, as i said one today, tears racing each other down my face, {it seemed to me} it would be impossible to not feel love and know that you are being watched over and truly TRULY listened to...

i am grateful i can pray to heavenly father and for the comfort it provides in times of happiness, sadness, strength and weakness...

i am grateful for prayer.

afraid.

2010-10-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

for the first time i was nervous about being a member of the LDS church.

that is something very hard to admit.

the school i am doing my masters program at is a private christian school. while there is nothing wrong with that, at all, something in class provoked my nerves.

in one of my classes my teacher asked if there was anyone in the room who was not a 'believer'. no one raised their hands indicating that everyone in my program {a group of 26ish students} is a follower of christ in one way or another.

in a room full of what my teacher calls 'believers' it made me start to think of all the 'believers' out there that are very against the LDS church. in fact many churches, and individuals do not consider the LDS church even christian rather they think of the LDS church as a cult, or an abomination.

i knew this when i was baptized. what i didn't know was how it would affect me.

what if there were students in my program that would hate me because of my religion? what if no one would be my friend? what if i would be looked at differently just because of what i believe?

i was very nervous when my teacher starting asking a few individuals what church they went to...

"please don't call on me, pleeeease don't call on me" is all i could think to myself. my heart pounding.

i was not called on. i was, however, for the first time, afraid to admit what church i belonged to, in fear that i would be looked at differently. in fear that my teacher would grade me differently.

that is not fair.

many prayers have followed that day in class. many prayers have been answered since that day in class.

i am not afraid anymore. i have courage. i am proud to be a member of the LDS church.

i realize, nothing and no one can bring me down... unless I let them...

which i wont.

"My New Life"

2010-09-24T18:41:00.000-07:00

Stephanie Nielson...thank you for your courage, your faith and your beauty. you are truly and inspiration to women everywhere.

thank you.

what does it mean to be sealed?

2010-05-04T17:14:00.000-07:00

we have all heard the words "until death do you part"...but have we all thought about what that phrase actually means?

in a typical wedding...and by typical i mean non-LDS wedding or in other words: a civil ceremony, the words "until death do you part" are spoken as the officiant announces the newly married couple...this has a significant meaning that many people do not really think about...this 'phrase' means that the couple is married here, on earth, only so long as they are alive...the moment that either of the married pair passes away the marriage that bonded them together is broken.

what is different about an LDS wedding is that the bonds of marriage are placed on the couple forever...for an eternity. this unbreakable bond is known as a "sealing". as a couple enters the temple for their wedding they enter a sealing room: kneeling before an alter the pair make promises to each other and they are not only pronounced man and wife but they are sealed to each other for time and all eternity. how amazing is that?!

a little over a month ago, on august 6th, 2010 i had the amazing opportunity to be sealed to my, now, husband. yes, you did read that right...in the time i have been away from my blog i was married..and what an experience it was.

i will be the first to admit, and i am being totally honest which is the purpose of this blog...the real life thoughts of a convert to the mormon church... i was nervous the morning of our sealing. with all new things in life we get nervous. however, that nervousness vanished instantly when i entered the sealing room in the temple and saw the familiar faces of my friends and soon-to-be family.

the spirit was so strong in the room that i don't think there was a dry eye. i tried my best to keep it together but was so moved by the words of the temple sealer (the man who married/sealed us together) that i couldn't contain my tears and was crying (hard) next to the man that i love, who was also crying (something that i have not seen in the six years we have been together).

the feeling was amazing.

i still feel amazing.

although it was very difficult not having my family inside the temple, i know in my heart and have been validated through feelings of the spirit that being sealed in the temple is what i was supposed to do.

i will never regret it.

vancouver b.c. temple

2010-04-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

words cannot truly express my experience at the open house of the vancouver b.c. temple. as we pulled into the driveway i was overcome with the spirit and i knew that it was going to be an experience that i would never forget.

as we walked from room to room with our tour guide i was in awe of the beauty that i was surrounded by. every one of the rooms we entered was magnificent. even the chandeliers were so brilliant that it was impossible to not be captured by their immaculate beauty.

as we entered the sealing room (the last room on the tour and the room in the temple in which couples are married and sealed together for time and all eternity) i was filled with happiness and i couldn't help but glance behind me where my fiancé was standing. we exchanged smiles and i know that we were both thinking the same thing...that in just a little over 3 months we would be standing in a room very similar to the one we were in and that WE would be getting sealed to one another for eternity. tears of love, joy, peace, and happiness flooded my eyes.

having not only my fiancé and his brother and dad with us, but also my brother and mom along made the trip very special to me. the fact the i was able to share in this experience with them means the world to me....

my brother who has never showed an interest in spiritual...well... anything, was asking questions and and seeking answers. my mom, though still reserved towards some ideas of the LDS church was able to acknowledge and truly enjoy the simplistic elegance that is inside the temple.

my testimony of temples grows every day and the love and respect i have for my family and their support is inexpressible....

i am overwhelmed by the countless blessings and opportunities that i have been given since being a member of the LDS church... and i know in my heart that somehow the pathway that lies ahead of me is going to be even more amazing that the trails that are behind me.

2 years...

2010-04-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

today is april 19th, which means....it has already been 2 full years since my baptism. i cannot believe how fast time has been flying by. my life has changed more than i could have ever imagined it would....

although i am the same person i was and always will be, i know that i am truly a much happier person now. my life is so much more simple, and a lot of the unneeded stress of the outside world is no longer a burden on my life...

i am healthier because of the word of wisdom...

i am more patient because of the scriptures...

i feel comforted when i am scared because of the power of prayer...

i am happier because i know that there is a plan for me, that my family can be together forever and that i am living my life in a way that i can be proud of myself.

love and marriage... and....temples?!

2010-04-19T00:23:00.000-07:00

so...first, i apologize for the long period i have been away from my blog...i guess i am not as consistent as i thought i could be...second, so much in my life has changed...

on february 12, 2010 by boyfriend of 5 1/2 years proposed in, what i think is the most romantic way possible...but this isn't a personal blog so i will skip the details...sorry!

with a wedding in the near future it is time to think about the temple.

as many of you probably know, or have heard, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints have the opportunity to be married inside one of the many LDS temples...as a convert to the church this idea, of being married in the temple, is a new one to me...

first, you must be a member of the church to go into the temple, and second you have to be living your life in a way that is worthy of going inside the temple...although i am a member of the church and i try my best to be the best i can, not a single person in my family is a member of the church...this means that NONE of them will be able to see me get married inside the temple....this, as you can imagine, has created a roller coaster of emotions for me, and i am sure for my family as well...

however, with all the turmoil, the mix of emotions, and the big question marks that are no doubt looming over my families head concerning the temple, the lord always finds a way to help us when we are in need....

this week, something very special is happening. a temple in vancouver, canada was recently built and is open for the public to take tours...this means that non-members, like my family, will have an opportunity to go inside an LDS temple and see how wonderful it really is. because i will be getting married in august and my family will not be able to join my fiance and i inside the temple, this was a chance that i could not pass up!

my mom and i are driving to canada this weekend to see and visit the vancouver temple. i know that this is going to be such a blessing and even though my mom and family will not be able to come inside the temple on my actual wedding day, at least my mom will have a vivid picture in her head of the temple and the types of rooms we will be in...specifically the sealing room (which i will be writing about very soon!)

if you would like to visit the temple...go. i would highly recommend it! i have never been inside a temple myself but i know in my heart that is going to be wonderful...i am beyond excited and cannot wait to go...what a great opportunity this is going to be for everyone who goes...and it does not happen very often...please take advantage of it...you have until april 24th.

here is a link to the LDS website with more information:

http://www.lds.org/temples/main/0,11204,1919-1-594-2,00.html

prayer.

2010-02-20T12:38:00.000-08:00

i believe that prayer is one of the greatest gifts that we are given by our heavenly father...

the power of prayer is great...we can pray alone or with another individual, we can also pray in groups, but no matter how we pray it is important to remember who we are praying to.

in prayer we are literally speaking to our father in heaven... he has sent us to earth to grow and learn, but he has not left us stranded. our heavenly father has given us the gift of communication and it is up to us to decide how often, if ever, that we would like to communicate with him.

heavenly father is always ready to hear and answer our prayers. in prayer it is important that we thank our heavenly father for all the blessings that he has given us, but in prayer we can also ask for guidance, ask for forgiveness, ask for support, ask for comfort, or ask for whatever our hearts desire...

when you ask and you pray, i promise you that you will receive and answer.

the first step in getting down on those knees.

thank you facebook...

2010-01-28T00:31:00.001-08:00

so...finally i have finished the "story" of my baptism...questions? they are always welcome... and actually they are encouraged! i would hope that if you are following my blog, and i am reaching out to you, that you would reach on back if you did have a question... about anything. if you'd rather ask anonymously be my guest!

so now what?... it was my goal in starting this blog to write about everyday occurrences that are different now that i am a member of the LDS church. i thought it important, however, to tell you about me, and to give you all (if there is anyone even reading) a background as to where i am coming from before jumping into anything....but now you have the background...and here i go...

facebook... how i love it, and how i hate it...however, recently it has been a really good tool for me to serve as a reminder as to why i do not drink alcohol anymore. i am constantly getting updates about friends (many of whom are more so acquaintances now) and reading the "status updates" on the infamous newsfeed. (for those of you who are not on facebook, this is the opening page of facebook that highlights some of the status' your facebook friends have written about themselves)...anyway, as of recently it seems that there has been an outpouring of status' about drinking...and more so about the morning/day after a "night out"... after reading a few of these status updates i found it impossible to not think back on my past... and i realized and remembered how unhappy drinking made me...

what i really want to say is.... thank you facebook...and anonymous facebook friends who remind me that drinking makes you sick. fall down. lose things. and forget what happened the night before. not to mention it makes you act like a completely different person who makes really bad decisions while not even realizing it.

no amount of "fun" is worth any of the above mentioned things.

my baptism.

2010-01-19T00:46:00.001-08:00

the day of my baptism was nothing like i have ever experienced.

i woke up on the morning of april 19, 2008 with a smile on my face. i was ready. i got ready for the day and headed to my boyfriends house where his family was anxiously awaiting my arrival. the atmosphere in their home was nothing short of pure joy and the smiles on everyone's faces made me even happier than i already was.

the drive to the church, where the baptism was to take place, seemed much longer than it actually was. it was quiet in the car as we listened to the mormon tabernacle choir, and gave me time to really reflect on the event that was about to happen. as we got closer and closer to the church building the butterflies in my stomach became more and more intense, and by the time we reached the building, i will admit it. i was nervous.

my boyfriend and i went inside and got dressed in our white clothing... in the LDS church, individuals who are being baptized and those doing to baptizing both wear white. white not only symbolizes purity and cleanliness, but it also is symbolic of what happens after you are baptized. at baptism, a person is washed clean of their sins... they then try to live their life in the best possible way, the most pure and clean way that they can, white is a reminder of this.

after getting dressed, we returned to the room where the baptism was going to take place. i was shocked to see how many people had shown up to be with me on my special day. many friends and individuals from the church had come to support me, and most importantly, my family came. my mom came with her sister (my aunt) and my dad and his wife came, along with my brother and his girlfriend. it meant so much to me that they were all there for me on this day that was so very important to me.

as the baptism started i was nervous for so many people to be watching me. in fact i could barely concentrate on the people who were talking (i was able to chose two people to speak at my baptism)...after the first speaker, it was time for the actual baptism to take place...

in the LDS church, baptism is done by full immersion under the water in a baptismal font. as my boyfriend and i entered the font all my previous worries had disappeared. in fact, something rather amazing happened....my perspective had changed and it was as if he and i were the only ones in the room. i had forgotten that an entire room full of people was looking at me and i concentrated only on what was happening... the water was warm and i can still remember the way it felt against the baptismal clothing.

after i was baptized, i cannot describe the feelings that i was overcome with. as i write this entry i am also overwhelmed by emotion. for that reason, and because the memory is so sacred to me, i am not going to explain every detail, however i will say that i have never been so happy, and felt so clean in my entire life. it was if i was floating on the clouds and nothing could pull me down. ever.

i returned to the room where all my friends and family were, after changing into dry clothes, and the second speaker gave their talk. then the baptism was closed with a word of prayer.

i was able to meet with everyone afterward. the room was filled with happiness and time passed by very quickly. i wished that it would have lasted forever.

i want to tell you, that the emotions that i felt after i was baptized give me, without a shadow of doubt, the confidence and knowledge that i made the right decision to be baptized into the LDS faith.

my life was changed forever that day, and i am so happy that it was.

the letter...

2010-01-11T21:12:00.000-08:00

the month leading up to my baptism went by really quickly...about a week before my baptism i was starting to feel really nervous and started questioning myself to see if i was making the right choice....the day before my baptism was a roller coaster, to say the least.

i had lost the confidence i had in my decision to be baptized and was so nervous i didnt think i would make it through the night. before i left my boyfriends house that evening he stopped me and said that he had forgotten to give me something...it was a letter from one of the missionaries father. i was a little confused as to why he would be writing to me...i mean, he didnt even know me... anyway, i drove to my apartment and read the letter before going to bed.

i am not going to say what was in the letter because it is too personal, however, i will tell you all that the words that filled the pages of the letter filled my eyes with tears, and my heart with love and joy...

the letter spoke of his trials and tribulations as a convert to the LDS church and gave me the reassurance that everything would be ok and that i truly was making the right decision.

i went to bed that night feeling so happy, excited, loved, and comforted. all because one man felt the need to write a letter to a complete stranger.

i am and will always be so grateful for that letter that i received.

confusion to confidence.

2009-12-28T10:40:00.000-08:00

so...its been way too long. and i do apologize about that, but here i go again...

like i said, i did not have the confidence to tell anyone that i was going to be baptized. i was nervous and pretty uneasy about my decision. it was not until about a week or two later that i had an experience, too personal to share via internet, that changed my perspective about baptism completely. i was no longer scared to tell anyone about my decision to be baptized. i even felt ready to tell my mom the news.

i told her that day, after prayers for comfort and continued confidence...she responded in a matter that i could have never imagined...with love, compassion, and so much support that i was overwhelmed. i even explained to her that i was going to wait until after our trip for my 21st birthday and she said, "honey, this is really important to you...why wait?!"....my heart literally skipped a beat. i could not be more happy that my mom was being so supportive...especially knowing that she is in no means the number one fan of the LDS church.

i called the missionaries and changed my baptism date to april 19, 2008...about a month in the future...(interesting: there is something special about this date...i found out later, after i was baptized in fact, that one of the missionaries had an experience leading him to believe that april 19th would be the day i was baptized...but that is a whole different story i can share at another time)

my attitude had completely changed and i was ready for the month to come...

one giant step for...me.

2009-11-14T13:37:00.000-08:00

so i was meeting with the missionaries twice a week. once with my mom and once by myself... i liked talking with them and looked forward to learning about the church...

the missionaries have a set of five lessons that help guide them in teaching fundamentals about the church...if an investigator is struggling to grasp a concept, or doesnt agree, or has reservations they will continue to teach that person more about the topic until that individual is ready to move on...

meeting with the missionaries twice a week meant i flew through the lessons...but i was still not ready to take the giant step and be baptized. i had no confidence to help me make that decision and so i kept meeting with the missionaries, only now it was just once a week and without my mom.

those poor missionaries. they had to come up with so many games and things to teach me that it was probably a nightmare for them. but they kept coming back and coming back and coming back.

they finally, and i will say it was very bold, asked me if i would just pick a date to be baptized. nervous, i agreed....BUT i said it had to be after my 21st birthday which was 3 months away.

i had a trip planned to go to vegas with my mom for my birthday...i didnt want to have any regrets about going there and not being able to drink...and i thought that it would hurt my moms feelings a lot if i didnt drink on our trip for my 21st birthday!

it was planned that i would be baptized the second week in june 2008(...after my birthday, after my trip.) i was really nervous, and not at all confident with that decision...but it was set, and i figured i could always change the date or cancel it...

because i was so uneasy, i decided that i was not going to tell anyone...

at least not yet.

missionaries...

2009-11-05T00:48:00.000-08:00

so...to be honest... after going to church for 3 months... i knew how the church made me feel. the missionary discussions were a way for me to learn the fundamentals that i needed to know. i wanted my mom there with me because, and i know now, that deep down inside of me i knew i was going to be baptized someday and i really wanted her to know about the church first hand...not from rumors or speculation.

my mom agreed to talk with the missionaries with me. i was really happy she was coming, and really nervous all at the same time. we set up an appointment to meet them at the church building so that my mom could get a "church tour"...basically to show that it is just a normal church building...missionaries often meet at an LDS building for the first discussion to show the "investigator" around the building and get them acclimated.

when we got to the building i was really nervous for my mom to be there...if you could have felt how i did, it was as if i was a member of the church already and i just wanted my mom to feel comfortable and welcome...i can only imagine how nervous the missionaries were.

after looking around the building we went into one of the classrooms and the missionaries taught the first lesson about faith and prayer...

i did not have a great experience once the lesson started. the missionaries seemed to be more focused on my mom than they were on me....not meaning to be selfish, but i wanted them to focus on me, and my interest in the church rather than try to spend all their attention with my mom, who was really just there because i asked her to come with me...

they asked HER to say a prayer, asked HER if she had questions and kept pushing HER to try new things church related...not only did i feel bad she was being pressured, but i knew she was feeling uncomfortable...

unfortunately in the weeks that followed (the missionaries try to meet with investigators once a week) the discussions were all very similar to the first one, with attention toward my mom and not focused on the person, me, who wanted to learn about the church!

i decided, along with my boyfriend who also sat in on our discussions, that i needed to not only meet with the missionaries with my mom, but on my own as well.

a little catch up... and more.

2009-10-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

so i forgot to mention...after two years living the sorority life i dropped out of the whole greek thing and moved into an apartment. this made life so much more simple and less stressful. not to mention i could do what i wanted to do without the nagging voice of 30 girls telling me what i "should" be doing (in their opinion)...

( i was living in my apartment for about 2 months before i went to church for the first time. )

now back to where i left off....

anyone who knows anything about the LDS church knows that there is a very strong missionary force... anyone who goes to the LDS church for the first time, or has questions about the church, or is new to anything..well... mormon, is usually introduced to the missionaries within, oh...30 seconds of entering the building. they are there to teach and inform "investigators" (those who are interested or "investigating" the church)...

...i however managed to go to church for about 2 months before i began to talk with the missionaries...i am guessing that since my attendance at church was so regular, they most likely assumed that i was already a member.

after going to church for that long, it was actually myself who decided that i wanted to meet with the missionaries. my boyfriend and i have a very honest relationship so i asked him any questions that i had, but i had the desire to meet with the missionaries because i felt like they could teach me and answer my questions better than anyone.

...i made the plan that i was going to start the missionary discussions (lessons that are taught by missionaries to further someones knowledge about the church) after the new year started in January....

i also decided that i wanted my mom to take the discussions with me... so that she would know the basics about the church...just in case.

going to church...

2009-10-20T11:10:00.000-07:00

from my personal journal: december 3, 2007... here is part of the entry:

" ...OH, i went to church with [my boyfriend] 2x. i really like it. i am still searching for guidance but i feel like i am headed down the right path. i feel like i am somewhat happier already. if that is not a good sign, i dont know what is..."

its funny when you go back and read old journal entries. they truly do preserve emotions and capture moments in time that we wouldnt necessarily remember otherwise. i remember the first time that i went to church with my boyfriend...it was the thanksgiving of 2007.

i really enjoyed my experience going with him and his family. i found out for myself that the LDS (mormon) church is normal as normal can be. the people are just about the friendliest people i have ever met (i am pretty sure over 1/2 the congregation came and introduced themselves to me) and the overall feel of everything was wonderful. i left wanting to come back the next week for more...a feeling i didnt really think was possible coming from something i had to wake up before noon for...

i still wasnt convinced that the LDS church was the right one for me, but as my journal entry said, after going back for the second time i felt like i was definitely headed down the right path.

update

2009-10-19T23:18:00.001-07:00

new post to come tomorrow....sorry for the delay. its been a weird couple of days.

the book of mormon...

2009-10-17T00:31:00.000-07:00

i had realized pretty quickly that going to church would fill a large void in my life... i have always had a strong belief and faith in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father, even though i stopped going to church when i was young due to a very busy schedule...

having the feeling i should go to church started a whole new dilemma...what church should i go to?! i refused to go to the church i grew up at because they made the "new age" switch to wireless microphones and drum/guitar solos...in my opinion, the glitz and glam is not what church is all about...

one night at the sorority i was thinking about different churches. my boyfriend is LDS (mormon) so i decided to start looking up stuff about the LDS church online. i had heard some REALLY weird stuff about the church so i wanted to see if it was true... what happened was not, not, NOT good. i found what i was looking for: gross, disturbing websites about the LDS church that made me literally sick.

i started to bawl thinking about how much i loved my boyfriend but i knew i could never ever in a million years submit myself to what these websites said...right at about the peak of my crying my phone started to ring and it was him. of course he asked what was wrong and i felt even more sick to my stomach having to tell him the truth...that i looked up his church and i was disturbed by it.

what he told me then is very important... and i really want everyone reading this to know what i am about to say...the internet sucks. no, but seriously... he had me tell him everything that i was upset about and he explained the TRUTH. the internet is full of awful rumors and lies...100% of the awful things that i had read on the internet were untrue.

i hate to say it...but i had a really hard time believing everything he said...why would someone make something so awful up out of thin air?!

still crying uncontrollably when i got off the phone with him i tried to lay in bed and go to sleep...my phone rang again. my boyfriend was outside my sorority and told me to come to the door. i ran down the stairs and opened the door where he stood with the book of mormon in his hands. he told me to try reading some of it if i wanted...handed me the book and with a hug he left.

i wasnt going to read any of it...but i went back up to my room and opened the book there was a message inside that he had written for me...he assured me that is was ok if i didnt believe what i read in the book and if i didnt, i could just check the church off my list of potential churches to go to and move on.

that night i read until 3:30a.m... i couldn't put it down.

remembering how things used to be...

2009-10-16T01:01:00.001-07:00

it is really hard for me to remember exactly how everything use to be... i do know that after the excitement of starting college and moving into the sorority wore off things in my life began changing...but definitely not for the better.

i started getting tired of going out to the frats all the time and the girls in my sorority began to criticize me and complain that i was never at the sorority anymore... when i did go out to parties with everyone it was almost as if i had to make up for what i had missed...i wanted to be fun and make the girls like me and want to hang out with me.

i started going home on the weekends and spending less and less time at the sorority, completely isolating myself from the others... it did not help that, on top of the criticism from my new friends, i was dealing with a lot of other stresses in my life...my parents had just gotten a divorce before i left for college, the house i had lived in my entire life was up for sale, my dad was getting re-married, and to top it off...the love of my life, patches my cat, got a stomach illness and had to be put down. needless to say things were not really going in my favor...

i was in a downward spiral mixed up of sadness about my past and present, depression from losing most of what i had known my whole life (house, parents, pets) and the pressure of trying to fit in that i reached the ultimate low.

i had the feeling in my gut that something had to change... that something was missing... and that something needed to be done quickly, or else it felt like i was headed for disaster...